Closest friends still following ex husband on social media

[Naomi370]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice.

I divorced my ex husband a couple of years ago as he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I finally got the courage to leave him for the sake of my son and my sanity.

After we separated he started a smear campaign to get family and friends to turn against which some did. I’ve managed to pick myself up again, moved, bought a house and now more financially stable. But there’s something that’s still bothering me about 4 specific friends I have.

I have been friends with these ladies for between 15-25years. They know that my ex husband put me through hell and some of them were contacted as part of the smear campaign. I don’t feel like I ever got any real support from them at the time of the divorce and the aftermath, but were good for meeting up for groups lunches just to get my mind off things.

What is really bothering me is that they have continued to follow my ex husband on Facebook. Between them they only met my ex husband a maximum of 10 times. They didn’t have a separate relationship with him and only saw him at e.g. the wedding, my daughter’s birthday party and a couple of social events. I don’t know if they’ve been in contact with him on Facebook but I’m told he regularly posts about new relationships (he’s on marriage number 4) obviously knowing that my friends will tell me about it. If you’ve ever been married to a covert narcissist you will know what I went through.

If any of my friends’ husbands did the same to them, out of loyalty to them I would have unfollowed him, having full knowledge that he mistreated my friend and was very controlling in the marriage. I broached the subject with these friends and I didn’t really get a proper acknowledgment and they’re still following him.

If it had been a normal breakup (i.e not abusive) and they were friends with him independently I would understand why they would want to be neutral but given that this man went out of his way to try to ruin my life, I’m hurt that they would take this stance. It makes me feel like I’m more loyal to them and value them as a friend than they do. Over the years I have helped these ladies with finding work, providing references, advice and support and sometimes financial support.

I was dealing with so much after the divorce and coming out of an abusive relationship that I didn’t have the mental capacity to consider my feelings at the time.

Am I being too sensitive?

Thanks

@Standrewsschool

It’s probably nothing personal or doesn’t mean they’re on team-ex, more that they just never cull anyone on social media.

^ this. Some people are all about how many ‘friends’ they have. They are never going to cull, no matter what that person has done. They’re nosey.

I cut out anyone who seemed to be taken in by my ex op. I had to to save my sanity, as he’d use them to get to me or back at me. I almost had to cut my own sister out. The trouble with men like these is they’re so convincing. I also asked everyone that would find out anything about him not to tell me as I’m absolutely not interested.

I split up with my ex, he was a narcissist but I didn't know this until well after the split and was in a new relationship and it was totally different.
Anyway that split was 9 years ago and a number of my friends still have him as a friend.
We all worked within the same company group so all knew each other. I don't work there anymore.
As far as I know most of them don't really have contact regularly but one does.
I don't mind any more as he means nothing to me but I don't share secrets with any of these people.
Be careful that these "friends" are not true friends

I think the use of the word 'friend' for people who you follow on Facebook is a completely inaccurate concept. I barely know who I still have as 'friends' on FB because I only comment occasionally on anyone's posts and only on a few select people at that. I don't even check it much but I certainly can't be bothered with culling ( or even adding people much these days). It's there and sometimes something interesting or tragic comes up and I can stay 'in the loop' or send my best wishes. A lot of my true good friends don't even use FB.

I don't think you need to ask your friends to stop following your ex. I'd think someone was weird if they asked me something like that. For one, it means very little and for another, he is your ex. Why should you care? It doesn't mean they are loyal to him or are going behind your back. TBH, I find FB posts mostly tedious as no one posts anything very 'deep ' that often, including me.

@Naomi370 I have been where you are and know how you feel . There are still some of my friends who have my ex H on their FB and I imagine it is literally because they use FB infrequently and they are people who have hundreds of " friends" . I don't mind that . However in the immediate aftermath I drew the line at friends who entertained him and slapped pics of him on their FB and even met up with him for lunch and I immediately unfriended them . You do get the odd friend who comments on what he does or where he is and I have asked her not to tell me as I am not interested. As someone above said how could I meet a friend for lunch who was also meeting him .

Is it to do with this - “ I don’t know if they’ve been in contact with him on Facebook but I’m told he regularly posts about new relationships (he’s on marriage number 4) obviously knowing that my friends will tell me about it.”?

Why are they telling you about it? Why would you listen? They may be keeping an eye on him or it’s for the gossip factor - they should not be telling you what your ex is up to that they’ve seen and you should not be listening to it. So long as you still hold an interest in him and what he’s up to he still has power over you.

I had something similar with my 'friendship' group of school mums. They barely knew my ex-husband yet when I had the audacity to leave him for his emotional and financial abuse, one of them suddenly became best buddies with him and influenced the others. Eventually she told me they were 'all on his side'. I received no support at all from any of them and distanced myself completely. I am sure they will all be on his FB but luckily I don't use it and couldn't be arsed to look.

I think some people like the drama and excitement of being involved in someone else's difficulties. My ex-husband manipulated them for all it was worth. He also ran a smear campaign, including to my own family who backed him up. This group thought it was their place to judge me and ostracise me. Weirdly a couple of them have tried to contact me years later, to 'see how I am' probably looking for more fodder.

I lost a lot of people during that time but ultimately I don't have anyone two-faced and disloyal around me now and it feels really good. My standards are much higher now and I don't tolerate half the crap I used to from 'friends'.

It doesn't sound like these people are truly 'friends'. Only you can decide whether to tolerate this behaviour.

Having had a similar experience after my divorce my advice is to drop these 'friends' no matter how long you've known them. Why on earth would they be following your ex still?

Mm I kind of know how you feel, but I don’t think you can read too much into being ‘friends’ with someone on Facebook.
I believe several of my closest, genuinely wonderful friends are still ‘friends’ with my physically and emotionally abusive ex on Facebook, met through me so not friends before and we’ve been split now for about 7 years. One or two are also still connected to their own exes on Facebook, not as abusive but certainly not happy splits so that does give some context I suppose.
The difference for me is that they’ve never been stupid enough to talk to me about what he’s up to. I didn’t want to know and I still don’t want to know. Have you made it clear to your friends that you don’t want to hear about what he’s up to?