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Original poster

Caught him cheating

30 replies

MouseTrapp · 28/07/2021 04:48

So my partner of 3 years has been cheating, I just found out. We don't live together and live far enough apart that he had a dating profile with the distance set close enough to his home that none of my single friends would spot him (slightly different area).

He had been acting a bit suspicious lately, being unavailable some evenings even though he didn't have his kids (I have kids too) or claiming depression. I dont know the 'level' of cheating but having an active dating profile is surely proof enough?

I've said very little since confronting him, literally just that I'm hurt and heartbroken. I've ignored his 'protests' such as he's now deleted the app, profile etc, he's sorry, he wants to be with me etc

I'm kind of relieved that he's 'trying' to get me back, as at least I know he placed some value on the relationship to do that Sad. I doubt it will last long, then he will just forget me, he obviously didn't care much for me Sad but I'm at a loss as to what to do next. What do I say, if anything, to make him realise what pain he's caused me?

I have some stuff at his house, but the thought of collecting it makes me feel sick. The thought of never seeing him again/our daily communications etc also makes me feel in terrible panic. Do I ask him to drop off my stuff?

Do I just go silent, block and delete? It all feels so cruel and painful, I loved him and was a very caring and trusting girlfriend, this has really shocked me.

OP posts:
pinkcircustop · 28/07/2021 04:52

So you haven’t caught him cheating? Just seen a dating profile? Perhaps it’s from when he was single?

Sparklfairy · 28/07/2021 05:03

@pinkcircustop he's been apologising so it can't be that.

DoingItMyself · 28/07/2021 05:06

Throw this one back. He wasn't a partner, he was a boyfriend, and from his point of view, you were not exclusive. Not worth another second of your time. Get busy with other things.

Original poster
MouseTrapp · 28/07/2021 05:24

@pinkcircustop my friend who has a dating profile was asked for a date by him. That's proof enough?

@DoingItMyself he was quite clear we were exclusive. It was more than just a bit of dating, we supposedly loved each other and had a future together...

OP posts:
DoingItMyself · 28/07/2021 05:36

Is that what he said? Whilst maintaining his presence on a dating site? He's a liar, then. No-one is perfect. Do you really want to go forward with him, though, after this?

category12 · 28/07/2021 05:45

It's scary and painful to break up, but it's short term. Don't let those initial feelings stop you from following through.

The guy was cheating on you, or trying to. Someone who does it once, will do it again.

Take it as a bullet dodged to discover his true character before things got to living together etc.

OrchestraOfWankery · 28/07/2021 06:33

What do I say, if anything, to make him realise what pain he's caused me?

If he cared about the pain he caused you, he wouldn't have been on dating sites in the first place, would he? Then following it up with lying about his unavailability to see you. Not the actins of someone who cares.

He will do it again if you take him back.

lannistunut · 28/07/2021 06:37

You don't say anything to him, he has shown he doesn't care about you. You instead tell friends, family, counsellor, Samaritans, pets...

Get a friend to collect the stuff. Block him. Wallow in the unfairness for a bit.

But don't go back. How lucky you found out before you were pregnant or something. Flowers for you.

sunnydays78 · 28/07/2021 06:38

You won’t be able to trust him ever again. He will do it again, I’d pick up my stuff and block him. Better to find out now rather than later x good luck

girlmom21 · 28/07/2021 06:38

Bin him. Ask him to send your stuff by courier. As soon as it arrives block and delete him. What a prick wasting 3 years of your life like that.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 28/07/2021 06:40

I'm kind of relieved that he's 'trying' to get me back, as at least I know he placed some value on the relationship to do that .

If he placed any value whatsoever in your relationship he wouldn’t have been cheating. He’ll win you back and you’ll be right back here in this same situation in 6 months, cos hell know he can act up and talk you round. Guarantee it .

WizardOfAus · 28/07/2021 06:48

You don’t say anything. Don’t respond to his messages, apologies or pleas. Forget the stuff you left at his house.

For a masterclass in dignified silence read the “Running in the Rain” thread. The OP was inspirational.

She drove her (suspected cheat) ex partner mad by not responding to his messages. Six months later he was STILL sending her double sided handwritten apology letters.

Part One
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

Part Two
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3835502-Dumped-by-text-part-2

Stay strong and ignore, ignore IGNORE him. You will come out the other side better than ever.

updownroundandround · 28/07/2021 06:58

@MouseTrapp

You say that ''The thought of never seeing him again/our daily communications etc also makes me feel in terrible panic'', but how does the thought of never knowing how many other women he's managed to 'date' and have sex with during your 3 yr 'relationship' make you feel ? Confused
Will you ever be able to be intimate with him without wondering ?

What about how you'll feel every single time he doesn't reply to a message quickly enough? Or 'goes out with his mates'? Hmm

Would you ever feel able to trust him again ?

It's far better to be upset for a few weeks alone, rather than for years with a cheater.

He never even thought you worthy of an 'exclusive' relationship, never mind a bloody 'future' Hmm And you deserve so much more !

Don't second guess yourself, block him and don't give him the time of day, because he has given you nothing but lies and the certainty that you need an STI check up pronto.

litterbird · 28/07/2021 07:26

I am very sorry you are in pain. Listen carefully to what you do next. You ignore EVERYTHING he sends you. Block if you can. If you can replace or live without the stuff at his house then do so, alternatively get someone to pick it up for you, but do it immediately, don’t let this linger for more than a few days. It’s going to hurt for a while OP, please just accept that and work through it. He may plead and apologise to the end of the earth, do not listen but move forward. Stay busy, stay supported by friends and family and heal. Xx

Original poster
MouseTrapp · 28/07/2021 09:38

Thanks all!

@WizardOfAus I just read those threads, brilliant!

@updownroundandround you are absolutely right!

I know I don't actually want him back, he's not the man I thought he was...but of course there's a horrible sickening feeling that the rugs been swept from under my feet and the man I was happy with, 'loved' has gone. I will never spend another day, night or dinner with him...horrible feeling.

Initially he tried with his messages to brush this under the carpet 'shall we meet up tonight' Hmm then a few hours later when I didn't respond he messaged about deleting the dating app, he still wanted to be my boyfriend etc. Then this morning there's been a long apology message about love, he wants me back etc.

I've ignored all. I do agree that a dignified silence is best. Asking him questions 'why do this to me?' etc is pointless, I'd love to know the truth but I'll never get it...

OP posts:
litterbird · 28/07/2021 09:50

"I've ignored all. I do agree that a dignified silence is best. Asking him questions 'why do this to me?' etc is pointless, I'd love to know the truth but I'll never get it..."

Well done OP. This is where a lot of women make mistakes and keep communication going because they want answers to their questions. No-one will ever get the truth out of a cheater as they desperately re write their stories in their heads to not feel bad. Dignified silence.....all the way. You will never find the truth that will satisfy you. The real truth is he decided you weren't enough for him and looked elsewhere....end of.....you, however, can be free to heal and find someone worthy of your amazingness.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2021 11:36

The fact is OP— I’m sure he liked you a great deal- he also couldn’t resist the ego buzz of seeing if others were interested in him too— some people, even if in perfectly good relationships just get a mental buzz of the feeling of still being able to pull even if they never actually act on it ! I know someone like this(female) They will get to a certain stage in life, have ruined good relationships and realise it’s actually a mental problem .

Fullofglee · 28/07/2021 11:41

Op walk away you have no ties, no dc together don't live together your and your not in the same area. I'm guessing you met online dating. He sounds like he's leading a double life as you where far away to get away with it, I suspect there's more than you'll never know.

Original poster
MouseTrapp · 28/07/2021 11:54

His stupidity was also that there were times when he clearly 'prioritised' his dating over seeing me - odd occasions where he was too tired/busy to see me that day. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have had my suspicions aroused that he was up to something....

He has now said that he felt jealous of me because I had a better life/job...he wants me back though.

Very sad...no excuse for this unkindness, he has been very cruel

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 28/07/2021 12:04

He actually approached your friend for a date and you are giving him air time OP?

He's not a keeper.

Original poster
MouseTrapp · 28/07/2021 12:31

I haven't blocked him...I want my things back...there's probably a boot full. I suppose I need to ask for it, but I don't want to break the silence. Was hoping he may suggest he will bring it to me, then he could leave it on the doorstep.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 28/07/2021 13:01

There's nothing wrong with a strongly worded text, if it's stuff you need. Something like:

"I have nothing to say to you, and there is nothing you can say that I'm interested in hearing. Please gather up my things that are at your house and text Mary to pick them up at a time that suits you."

Bookworm20 · 28/07/2021 13:21

He asked your friend on a date. While giving you all the crap about being exclusive and having a future together and loving each other.

I know you're hurting, but what you need to do is go and get your stuff. Walk calmly into his house, do not speak to him. gather your things. And leave. Do not acknowledge his pleading, his begging, don;t acknowledge him at all except to inform him you will be gathering your things.
The Leave.
And don't look back.
Hes a liar and a cheat basically. You deserve mountains more respect than he is clearly willing to give you.

When home, eat ice cream, get drunk, order the biggest take out you've ever had and binge watch your favourite programs, whatever you need to do to distract yourself from him. Block this loser from your life completely, life is too short.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/07/2021 13:49

I would get him to being it and leave it on the doorstep.

Some people are just never satisfied no matter how good their relationship is.
He's an thirsty loser, with an all consuming need to have his ego continually boosted aka an exhausting, boreish attention whore.

Don't give him another chance to screw you over, there will be many others who aren't constantly on the lookout for the bbd (bigger, better, deal).

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 28/07/2021 14:02

You are too good for him OP. The trust is gone. Don't waste your time or energy.
Agree, ask him to drop your stuff off outside or to a friends house. You've already given him more than he deserves.
Good luck.