Just a Handhold (or even a smile)

[Perriwinkles]

I’m feeling low tonight. I’m separated & childless & I had a horrible fight with my closest family member recently. They were triggered & took it out on me but I got pulled into over-explaining as I always do.

Just feeling so sad & alone. Anyone out there?

You're not alone, I didn't want to read and run. I'm not very good with wise words but happy to 'listen'.... x

Sending a handhold and hoping that you feel stronger in the morning. Life can improve in ways you wouldn't have predicted when you least expect it IME

You are not alone, there's a lot of understanding people around.

Everything feels worse at nighttime. What's the situation with family member now, do you want to share what happened?

Can you put a nice comedy on low in the background and make yourself a hot chocolate or herbal tea to soothe yourself?

Thank you both so much. I hope life will improve. I feel guilty being so sad as I know I’m not in a war-zone but I just feel so sad & lonely. I’m not sure how to make peace with being alone & I suppose I’m just raw from the horrible unexpected fight.

Yes, fights with people you care about are horrible. Also your feelings are fine, they are yours and real and justified. Loneliness is shit but the good news is you can do something about it. Need to feel ok in yourself, then push yourself to do a few new things. Something will turn up

Holding your hand from fellow "over-explainer" :)

Thanks for the other messages too.

The family member got triggered, misinterpreted what I said and ignored me and was horrible to me for 2 days while I was a guest. I had no idea why. I only found out about the triggering when It all came out in one big explosive fight. Our upbringing was not ideal and they have not dealt with it. I have had a lot of therapy. We got into a textathon where every word was picked apart and I regret that so much. I was in the right and I wish I hadn’t engaged as it just upset me more. I feel so sad, angry & hopeless now.

Thanks for the new messages. Yeah something will turn up even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

Being an over explainer is yuck, isn’t it.

Random question; have you had a good cry? Sometimes when you're feeling all those intense emotions, the only way for them to dissipate is to have a proper bawl.

It sounds rubbish, I also had a shit upbringing so I can imagine how you're feeling. Be really kind to yourself and give yourself a big hug. Have that cry.

It's hard over text as things can be misinterpreted. Try to distract yourself, listen to a podcast or watch some TV and have time for you both to cool off.

Yes it is a lot yuck 😣

A cuddle, handhold, a cup of tea all helps but sometimes just bland words help? Like..

"Ok the worst has happened! Cant go anymore down now"

"There is a very thin line between concerned and getting paranoid. You need to choose where you should stand"

Not my words but DP's its like cold water on the face at my worst but I remember these and it helps me. :)

I would say, distract yourself. You are in the right so move on dont be tempted to apologise and explain. NO

Just be kind to yourself

Thanks. I’ve already apologised & explained and then tried to justify as well … they then picked everything I wrote apart and said we saw things differently etc . I do think distraction is probably the only way as I’m reeling from all of this.

I wish I had someone to cuddle.

I haven’t had a good cry since. I cried a lot at the time as they dredged up things from 25 years ago. My heart just hurts a lot.

Hello periwinkles
You are good as you are. You are not alone
It happens in life, high and low points
Writing a gratitude list or just thinking it clearly can really help when we feel down. We just tend to think negative thoughts when we are down so a gratitude list will help shift perspective.

This too shall pass

Thanks @isuckathousework I do have a gratitude journal but I just can’t bring myself to open it now. I feel horrendous.

I feel horrible after all the texts and regret engaging with them. I appear stronger than I am. I should’ve just been the bigger person. All the over-explaining just made it worse.

It happens OP, the best of us do mistakes. Proof you are human! I know that feeling
Be easy on yourself. It’s ok if you don’t want to do that gratitude list now. Try to list it mentally and even if you can’t, no rush!
Feel your feelings whatever they are
I would advise to do deep breathing. Slow and Deep breathing, even if you start with half a minute or so. It really helps. Truly be kind to yourself as if you are another person listening to you

Sorry you're feeling low OP. My sister has gone NC with me recently without explanation and it's incredibly painful. We also had shit parents.

I just wanted to highlight this
I feel guilty being so sad as I know I’m not in a war-zone
This suggests that you had your feelings invalidated a lot growing up. Such as "Don't be silly, you've nothing to complain about", "most children would be very grateful to have your life", and that old classic "there are starving children in Africa you know"

Does any of that ring a bell? The Stately Homes threads on here have really helped me to recognise and accept my feelings of sadness and anger instead of telling myself I shouldn't be feeling them.

Hope you got some sleep (I clearly haven't!)

Hope you feel better this morning 🌄. The other party may have regrets too? Be kind to yourself

Thank you all so much. I think the other party has regrets too but I think we’ll just draw a line under it all now. I wish I hadn’t felt the need to over-explain but yeah, mistakes are proof we’re human.

Yeah my feelings were invalidated a lot growing up and I stopped sharing feelings at home altogether from a young age as a result. Feelings just didn’t exist! Thanks for picking up on that. Those sentences ring true.

It can be hard to feel my feelings when they run so deep and dark but I guess there is no escaping them.

A new day has dawned.

You sound like you have learnt from the fight.

We all have bad days, it’s how you deal with it that matters. You’ve had a good wallow, you’ve shared and got support and you’ve expressed some optimism
Well done you!!
Now I’d get some exercise and get the endorphins going and do something nice for yourself. Big cheesy grin

Thanks @Rainbowqueeen You’re right. It’s good to move on from these things & I have learnt from it. I’ve learnt that it’s often better to say nothing & over-explaining can go on forever.

Thank you

It's worth remembering that communication is two way- sometimes the other person just isn't able to hear you, so there's no point talking.
Maybe when the dust has died down an action may help- a little gift or card perhaps, to say you miss them.

@picklemewalnuts

Thank you. It’s true. I told them that I’m not going to get into all the detail anymore after getting a text quoting/twisting every little thing I said. People are just so complicated!m. I think it’ll be ok ultimately. The fight was so unnecessary and they have admitted the whole thing was about being triggered. It’s amazing how childhood can mess us up! The gift or card is a lovely idea. I’ll do that … in time … when it’s settled more.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation
I’m very sorry about your sister going NC with you. Families are so complicated and there could be all kinds of reasons for it. Be good to yourself.

Maybe you could plan a little treat for the two of you? A survivors outing/reward of some kind.

When we have no one to organise treats for us, we need to do it ourselves! I speak as the wife of an undemonstrative man. I've realised if I want to feel special or have fun on my birthday, for example, then I need to arrange it.

Taking control of what we can is actually really empowering- I thought it would just draw attention to/highlight the fact that he doesn't do it, but it really doesn't. It means I've accepted responsibility for my own enjoyment and am making the most of it.

I'm sorry if that's not relevant to you- it's just your opening post rang a chord. The more I've looked after myself, the happier I've been- obvious I know, but I was set in a pattern of thinking someone else had to appreciate me for it to count!

And it holds true for all areas of life and all relationships. My sister, brother, in laws, friends- I've stopped hoping it will be what I want and started doing what I want.

Anyway, whatever is going on for you now,