Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stay with a good man and a man I won’t ever have sex with again?

37 replies

Copper2020 · 28/07/2021 00:17

Which?

On the brink of divorce but keep wavering as he is a nice person.

Don’t fancy him.

I’m 42, should I accept there’s more to life then Sex and think of the children.

Splint would,be amicable but sad.

I would like to be wanted 🥲

OP posts:
WhoEatsPopTarts · 28/07/2021 00:19

Leaving is the right thing for both of you, which means it’s right for the children too.

Lizzie523 · 28/07/2021 00:31

You are young OP. Please don't give up on having a passionate sex already. It will be hard of course but you know yourself you want more from life. Surely he wouldn't deny you that?

Shelddd · 28/07/2021 00:51

How old are the kids?

Do you fancy other men who are realistic for you to be in a relationship with? In other words do you think this will change if you get divorced?

thumpingrug · 28/07/2021 03:07

Get out and start again.

Lostmykeys · 28/07/2021 03:23

Will feeling wanted guarantee you happiness at the expense of the upheaval of divorce for all involved? Your post was me 5 years ago. Divorce is emotional and traumatic, regardless of how amicable it is. And unless you have suitors lined up, head over to the dating threads to look at how challenging dating and new relationships can be!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/07/2021 03:53

Is it him as well as you who doesn't want sex? If so I'd leave.

If it's just you I'd want to try everything first to see if I could get my libido back. medication (Inc contraception) review for starters.

Or have you gone off him because he's got grim hygiene or similar?

tenredthings · 28/07/2021 04:20

Sex is overrated. I'd choose a good life partner over sex.

TreeSmuggler · 28/07/2021 04:28

It's a tough one. Have you both gone off sex or just one of you? How is the relationship otherwise, is there non sexual affection? Did you used to fancy each other or has it always been meh? Is he a good partner in terms of being kind and respectful, pulling his weight?

PurpleOkapi · 28/07/2021 04:53

I'm confused. You want to be wanted, but don't want to have sex with him? Or is it that he doesn't want to have sex with you? Or both? There are plenty of other ways to be intimate, and not all of them require another person. Good men are hard to find, and good relationships even harder. I wouldn't be so quick to throw either away, especially where children are involved. At the very least, take steps to make sure there isn't a medical issue involved.

minniemouseshouses · 28/07/2021 08:17

OP, ultimately this will be your decision to make. I understand the feeling of seeking out confirmation of choice when it comes to separation. I’ve been there (on this very site). One wonders if what one is feeling, is actually ‘good enough’ reason to split. Truth is you can leave any relationship you aren’t happy in. In many ways, I didn’t know that, or I didn’t compute that for myself.

It is worth considering what your priorities are - many would say a sexless marriage where one party wants sex and the other doesn’t - is a poor relationship, whilst a sexless marriage that is agreed upon can be great. If you are unhappy, you shouldn’t ignore that. At the same time, PPs are right, it’s a tough dating world out there. I guess before leaving I’d make sure I’d be okay on my own, and not leave just in want for something/someone else? Flowers

FreeBritnee · 28/07/2021 08:18

Go.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/07/2021 08:21

Not enough info. But 42 is young. Go and make a life.

InkieNecro · 28/07/2021 08:21

@Lostmykeys

Will feeling wanted guarantee you happiness at the expense of the upheaval of divorce for all involved? Your post was me 5 years ago. Divorce is emotional and traumatic, regardless of how amicable it is. And unless you have suitors lined up, head over to the dating threads to look at how challenging dating and new relationships can be!
People who have had success in dating haven't posted to that thread though.

When I left my ex I had multiple fwb who all eventually fell for me and have had many offers despite at the time having a 2 and 3 year old. I am now with someone who adores my children as well as me, it isn't impossible and being single is way better than being lonely and unwanted in a relationship.

R0tational · 28/07/2021 08:23

Stay.

NiceTwin · 28/07/2021 08:26

@tenredthings

Sex is overrated. I'd choose a good life partner over sex.
This.
Craftycorvid · 28/07/2021 08:28

Well, sex is a pretty good indicator of other communication and relationship issues so, without discounting the importance of sex, it may well be there is another issue. Common one are resentment and anger. How long has sex been off the cards? Did you ever feel attracted? Do you know what he feels about the situation?

DinosaurDiana · 28/07/2021 08:35

I’m in a similar situation to you, but I’m older.
I’m happy to not have sex because peri menopause has taken my need away. But I do sometimes wonder if it would come back for the right person.
I stay with my nice DH for the house, and I couldn’t afford to run it on my own or buy him out.
We’re now in separate bedrooms so the snoring has been solved.
We just live as house mates. Neither of us would want to lose this house.

choosername1234 · 28/07/2021 08:41

Is it just the sex that is the issue, or is there actually more going on?
Personally I couldn't put my want for sex above my children's' want to live with mum & dad together. Guess I'm in a minority though

cheezy · 28/07/2021 08:51

I’m with @choosername1234. I’m afraid it does feel like a bit of a selfish reason to walk away from a marriage. What about your marriage vows? But then again I’m not you and feel differently about sex. There are so many threads like this I wonder if there is a solution. I’m sure someone like Esther Perel would have something to say on the matter…

sleepyhoglet · 28/07/2021 09:06

No sex because you don't fancy him or because he doesn't want it?

Conkergame · 28/07/2021 10:10

Have you talked to him properly about your need for more sex? Is he aware this is a deal breaker for you?

As you have kids I personally would try hard to solve the issue first.

But if that still doesn’t work, you’re entitled to be happy and if this marriage doesn’t make you happy then you’re entitled to end it. Ignore posters saying “think of the kids” - your kids won’t benefit from having an unhappy mother and it sounds like any split would be amicable so they would adjust.

The only other option is an affair but this would likely cause a lot more pain for your DH in the long run and make an amicable split a lot less likely - better to end it now in a respectful manner. Unless he’s completely gone off sex and would be happy with you having something on the side?! (Unlikely!)

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2021 10:25

It’s all very well people saying sex is overrated — I would thoroughly agree— but when you don’t want it for whatever reason (including no longer fancying husband/partner which OP has said) but your partner very much still wants it- it doesn’t create a great vibe and you start to feel pestered. It’s quite hard to stay in a sexless relationship (and still have monogamy which let’s face it most still want ) if you aren’t at least on the same page about the fact it’s sexless

Rosesareredd · 28/07/2021 10:33

Sex is important in a relationship for me, so if I didn’t fancy him anymore and he didn’t want sex, then that would be enough for me to leave.
Although it’s not clear if it’s you that doesn’t want sex with him because you mentioned you didn’t fancy him.

Torres10 · 28/07/2021 11:19

This is not about sex, its about intimacy.
Personally I think a relationship without intimacy is one which will eventually cause resentment, whether or not he puts the bins out and is a 'good' man!
I don't really understand pp mentioning 'talk to him if you want more sex', as whether you do or don't , you don't with him, and thats reason enough.

MackenCheese · 28/07/2021 11:26

I'm in this dilemma as well. Watching with interest