Relationships/dates never last - I think it's because I'm a horrible person

[Life101]

Just as the title saids really.

My last proper relationship was 8 years ago and that only lasted a year anyway. I've dated on and off since then and nothing ever lasts. It always starts off great. Their interested, attracted to me, see it going somewhere but things always change and they eventually end it. To be fair, not all of them were great themselves and I'm grateful it didn't work out with some.
I've been told I'm a horrible person multiple times and that I emotionally blackmail people. I think I push people so far that they end up hating me. I know I have a fear of abandonment, daddy issues are a real thing. My real dad isn't a nice person and I've always wondered if I get it from him. Is it hereditary, I know that's so stupid, but the thought has crossed my mind so many times.

Friendships aren't much better. My best friend of 5 years stopped talking to me three months ago. I think family only stick by me because they feel they have to. The latest date has ended things tonight. It's been two months which I know isn't long, but I feel heartbroken over him. Everything was perfect up until Monday but he said he doesn't like me anymore, I'm not the person he thought I was and that I've got a different side that he didn't see before. I don't even know what I want from this thread. Just needed to offload.

Sorry you're feeling this way. Can you share some of the behaviours you're doing? Are you self aware of them or do you genuinely not know what it is?

Do you know why your friend stopped speaking to you?

Maybe it would be worth investing in some counselling/therapy? You won't have inherited anything, but you might have learnt poor relationship strategies and behaviours growing up. The difference is important, because that you can unlearn them and do better. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you think you might be repeating your father's patterns, you can stop and do things differently.

I've been told I'm a horrible person multiple times and that I emotionally blackmail people

Can you give some examples?

In my experience, really horrible people don't say that they are or share others' views of them.

What happened with your friend?

It's also possible you are drawn to toxic people yourself who project their stuff onto you because it's the relationship model you were shown growing up.

Sorry you are feeling so down. I was you 7 years ago. I started to practice Mindfulness and saw areas of myself I needed to work on. It hasn't been an easy journey but 7 years later I am in a much better place. My relationship with my kids is so much better and I have a partner whi I love dearly. Maybe you need to rake some time out to re-evaluate your life. I was angry, rude, resentful because I was so miserable inside.

My parents divorced when I was 5. They were both alcoholics. Well, functioning alcoholics as they both worked full time. My dad was abusive towards my mum and use to cheat when he worked away. After they divorced he made things extremely difficult for my mum, put her through a lot. He didn't pay for anything. She took him to court but as he was self employed he just said he was unemployed and got away with it. There was contact shortly after but usually he would just pick me up, drop me off at my grandparents house (both passed away now) and then pick me up a couple of days later and take me home. We haven't seen each other in around 10 years now. I thought he might have changed as he got older but I spoke to my half brother recently (we haven't spoken in years either) and he told me that he'd started working for my dads company through lockdown last year and he sacked him because he had to come home as there were no hotels/restaurants open. He hasn't changed one bit by the sounds of it.

I had a really shit time in school. I went to 3 different high schools (I was bullied in the first one and then just couldn't settle in the other two) and eventually was placed in a special education unit which I did like. My mum had to fight for that though. After my parents divorced, it was just my mum and I for around 6 years. My mum continued to drink after my dad left but stopped when I was around 13 (after a traumatic incident - I don't want to go into to many details incase I'm outed).

She wasn't a nice drunk, well neither of them were to be honest. She would come into my bedroom whilst I was asleep and wake me up and try and argue with me. I don't think her anger was directed at me but she didn't have anyone else to argue with. My auntie (mums sister) tried to help over the years and has even admitted to me that she wishes she had taken me out of there but didn't know how to. My grandma (mums mother) always asked me to come and stay with her when she knew my mum was going out drinking. Luckily my mum hasn't drank for 13 years now and we get on amazingly. I think she feels a lot of guilt for how I was brought up. I just want to clarify, my mum is an amazing person and has a heart of gold. She never hurt me or put her hands on me. I think she has her own problems from her past that she's never dealt with either. I moved out when I was 20 and I know it killed her. I would say she tries to compensate now to try and make up for my childhood. My step dad arrived when I was 11 and I hated him at first. I think it's because I was just so use to it being my mum and I for so many years and I thought he was going to take her away from me. We get on great now though and have a very strong relationship. He has done far more for me than my real dad ever has.

When I was 15, I had a boyfriend (the only person I've ever truly loved I think) and I became pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby, although none of my family were happy about it and tried to make me have an abortion. I know they regret it now but didn't know how to handle the situation at the time. My mum has even told me she wishes she had been there for me. I did contact my dad at the time to ask him if I could stay with him until my mum calmed down but he just made some shitty excuse up and said that he was working away and wouldn't be at home. I ended up having a miscarriage when I was 3 months. I just remember the nurse telling me there was no heartbeat. I didn't even know what a miscarriage was back then. I've never had any therapy for that. My boyfriend was there for me whilst I was in the hospital but shortly after our relationship started to deteriorate. I didn't trust him and use to get really upset if he was going out with friends.
Eventually things did end between us and I found out that he'd slept with 3 (yes, 3) of my best friends after we'd split. I know we were only 15 but damn, they honestly didn't give a shit about me or what I'd gone through. I've never received an apology from any of them but I've tried to let it go, it's been difficult though as we all come from a very small village and bump into each other from time to time. It's really hard to escape the past. He has 3 kids now and lives in the next village. He had his first child a year after my miscarriage and I just remember how I felt when I found out. I thought my world was over.

My grandma (mums mother) passed away suddenly from cancer in 2017. She was admitted to hospital one day and we were told it was terminal. She was my best friend (It was a running joke in the family that I was her favourite) and we had this amazing bond. She taught me so much about life. The hardest thing I ever had to was watch her pass away right in front of me. I do suffer with anxiety and OCD (I haven't been diagnosed) but I've had it for years. I think this might stem from my childhood, one being that mum use to throw up on the bathroom floor when she was drunk and would leave it until the next morning so I think I have this need to have everything clean and perfect all the time. I have suffered with depression on and off for many years but I think I rely heavily on other people to make me happy. I can look after myself, financially but I can't make myself happy. If that makes any sense?

Currently now, I live alone. I've been renting for the last 5 years but I've just purchased my first property and will be moving in the next two months (yay!). I've got a good job which I enjoy, financially I'm okay, I've got a nice car. I've been to nice places and travelled. I wish I'd done better in school and got more qualifications but I know there are options available to me if I want to better myself sometime in the future. My mum always said I've done so well for myself given how I was brought up. I'm independent, I know I've got a good head on my shoulders. I don't take drugs, I don't drink (hmm, I wonder why? 😂). I suppose if someone looked at my life they would think it was perfect but relationships/friendships are the one thing that's missing. I can function in every other aspect of my life except for that, and I don't know why.

Sorry - I know you didn't ask for my life story but hopefully this will all make sense to someone.

What are the horrible things people have suggested you've done though? And what happened with your BF?

You sound like you had a lot to deal with at a young age & coped very well, overall.

For starters you have to break things down into more pieces than just a flat "I'm a horrible person" which is a way of avoiding looking at anything you can change.. What is a specific incident that a person has brought to your attention recently?

@EarringsandLipstick

That I have a temper, a very short fuse. I will say nasty things when I'm angry (which is true but I think sometimes it is warranted). I have a lot of insecurities (also true). I do think I'm fat, ugly and that I don't have a lot to offer someone. I always think the person will find someone skinnier, prettier, funnier and that they'll just leave me. When I meet someone and it's going well, I find it hard to enjoy it as I know it will end eventually one way or another. I think now I just self sabotage any happiness I have because I know I'll ruin it eventually anyway. I am jealous at times. I overthink a lot of things. Someone might say something to me which I take the wrong way and instead of just asking them what they mean by it, I will just let it play on my mind instead until I explode and lose my temper with them. I say things to try and get a reaction and to hurt them, and then when they walk away (rightly so) I immediately regret what I've done. Half the time I don't mean what I say but it's like verbal diarrhoea, I just can't help myself.

I become attached very quickly. As soon as I know someone likes me, I will give them my all and they literally do become my world, even if it's only been a month. When they end things I do become obsessed (not so much anymore. It was worse when I was on social media but I came off all social media 3 months ago which has helped me and my mental health immensely). I find it hard to just let go and move on. I know that there are a million other guys out there and I will find someone else eventually, but it still doesn't sink in properly and I just fixate on the current person.

I know I don't love the person really. I might have strong feelings for them but it's definitely not love. I think this is where fear of abandonment comes into it. Wanting someone but knowing they don't feel the same way. I don't know how to deal with the rejection.

I dont think you are a horrible person OP but it's clear your childhood experiences have damaged you (how could they not?) and it certainly doesnt sound as though you are in the right place to develop positive relationships at the moment.

I think you really need some heavy grade therapy to work through your trauma and get to a better place emotionally - but I think you'd need good advice on the type of therapy that might help you and I wouldnt know where your start with that. And once you know youd have to find it, of course...

But anyway, not horrible, you've been harmed and are reacting to that.

The issues you describe are complex and I think you really need professional support to deal with them. How old are you? Have you had any sort of mental health support or an assessment of your mental health?

I think you've done so well after all you've been through. Nobody's perfect and if you know your faults then you are halfway there already. Just be careful who you mix with, sometimes people look for vulnerability and take advantage.

Thank you for your kind messages. I am 26. I have tried therapy in the past, years ago when I was younger. One to deal with my anxiety and OCD and the other was for family problems (mum and I). I didn't gel with the first therapist, I found her to be very judgmental and I didn't feel comfortable talking to her. The other therapist was lovely and made my mum and I feel really comfortable. I can't remember why we stopped going. I think it was because the sessions were free but then my mum had to pay and she couldn't afford it. I have been to the doctors for depression recently but they just gave me tablets.

I've always just had to get on with things, mainly due to lack of support/funding and I think that's why I've never dealt with any of my problems.

I would guess from what you have wrote, that being right , even if you are , does not always go down well with people and sometimes it puts them off, the same with controlling behaviour, that can also push people.away, id suggest trying not to react as much to different stresses, as that could also be putting people off, that's the areas id look at improving first.

OP children brought up in chaotic homes often find it difficult to regulate their emotions. You might find DBT helpful. The other issues sound as though you are copying the way your parents spoke to you and as you can see, other people back away from that. You need to try to take a deep breath and just wait a moment or two before responding. You might find mindfulness helpful.

Also take a look at Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD, you can check out his website here: www.pete-walker.com/

You might also find relationship therapy useful. If you have cash look at BACP for therapists.

You sound like you are doing well to be where you are after all you've been through, and at 26, you have so much ahead of you.

As you're financially doing well, invest in therapy now. Take your time, find the right therapist for you. It might seem like a lot of money, but it's well worth it to break the patterns you've learnt and deal with your past.

That I have a temper, a very short fuse. I will say nasty things when I'm angry (which is true but I think sometimes it is warranted)

Nope, it's not warranted and none of these things are ok. This is why your relationships end .

I disageee with the PP who said you can't inherit unpleasant personality traits. You absolutely can. My sister has spent almost zero time with my grandmother on Mums side but her horrible side is identical in every respect. Hides peoples possessions or gives them away ostentaciously. Nice to your face if alone with you but nasty to you when someone else appears. Nosey. Spiteful and can't bear to see others get on. A hundred other things. A vast amount of our personality is genetic and hereditary.

It sounds like you have a tonne of insight and self awareness though OP which is more than can be said for my vile sister!

You need therapy for you childhood in its entirety. You ikely have abandonment issues as a result of your dad and the being cheated on repeatedly (some friends you had!). This possibly reinforced a core belief you are not good enough. This is maybe why you give your all early and then panic it won't be enough to keep anyone.

You have every right to be angry about how your childhood was. It hurts and it was sad.

If you carry anger within it is going to come out when you feel vulnerable. You are not a bad person, you are a hurt person. I hope you go into therapy again. At your age there is plenty of time to work on your issues and meet someone that you can love and trust to not let you you down.

Take care x

Ugh, but @TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius if you say it's hereditary then that means there's fuck all the person can do to change it. It would also mean your sister can't help it. Do you really believe that's true?!

Of course you can change the way you behave and your responses in relationships. You have choices.

OP, does any of this resonate? The good news would be that it's fixable with therapy.

www.verywellmind.com/common-traits-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66557

If you can afford regular therapy, that is the one thing which has the potential to change your life for the better.

Don’t give up if you don’t get on with the therapist. Try another one. You will find the right one.

@category12

It's also possible you are drawn to toxic people yourself who project their stuff onto you because it's the relationship model you were shown growing up.

This x a million.

I had this exact thing. For me it manifested a little differently; I didn’t think I was a horrible person as in mean or anything like that. But I learned through my toxic surroundings as a child up until my late 20s that I was a horrible person as in “not likeable”. I hated myself. And I mean I really. Really. Realllllyyyyyy hated myself.

But this past year I have had the opportunity to be able to look at things from another perspective. I have given myself the space to look at it realistically. And in time I realised that there is nothing wrong with me. I have my faults of course. But nothing to HATE myself for! And I am slowly learning to love myself. And it is really helping in all areas of my life. I am becoming more independent, stronger, more sure of myself, more capable. Kinder to myself. Less accepting of dick head toxic people. It’s been a revelation to say the least. But I learnt this self hatred and lack of self respect and compassion for self as a child - and then as I was growing up, with both toxic situations and people. Now I am free of those I am coming on in absolute leaps and bounds.

Please be kind to yourself. If you were a horrible person then it wouldn’t torture you so much thinking that you are. You wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t even likely be aware of it!