Relationships/dates never last - I think it's because I'm a horrible person

[Life101]

Just as the title saids really.

My last proper relationship was 8 years ago and that only lasted a year anyway. I've dated on and off since then and nothing ever lasts. It always starts off great. Their interested, attracted to me, see it going somewhere but things always change and they eventually end it. To be fair, not all of them were great themselves and I'm grateful it didn't work out with some.
I've been told I'm a horrible person multiple times and that I emotionally blackmail people. I think I push people so far that they end up hating me. I know I have a fear of abandonment, daddy issues are a real thing. My real dad isn't a nice person and I've always wondered if I get it from him. Is it hereditary, I know that's so stupid, but the thought has crossed my mind so many times.

Friendships aren't much better. My best friend of 5 years stopped talking to me three months ago. I think family only stick by me because they feel they have to. The latest date has ended things tonight. It's been two months which I know isn't long, but I feel heartbroken over him. Everything was perfect up until Monday but he said he doesn't like me anymore, I'm not the person he thought I was and that I've got a different side that he didn't see before. I don't even know what I want from this thread. Just needed to offload.

Meant to add- and throughout late 20s early 30s I surrounded myself with those kind of people that @category12 mentioned; toxic people who projected onto me their own issues Allllll. The. Timeeeeee. And that reinforced my unhelpful and skewed self view.

@category12

Ugh, but *@TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius* if you say it's hereditary then that means there's fuck all the person can do to change it. It would also mean your sister can't help it. Do you really believe that's true?!

Of course you can change the way you behave and your responses in relationships. You have choices.

Just because something is hereditary doesn't mean it cant be changed. You can inherit curly hair but buy and use straighteners.

I have loads of tendencies I have inherited from my fathers side. Some I have chosen to keep, some I have chosen to change. I have been sucessful to a large degree with some of the more worrying tendencies.

My half brother is very very bright but reckless. Three years ago I discovered who his father is. I now know why he is the way he is!

So you can;t change what you inherit but you can change how it manifests/ how the genes are expressed.

Trying to get a sense of this. The people who told you that you were awful, were they ending the relationship at that point and giving you a character assassination?
Or were they telling you your flaws in defence mode, in response to a request from you that you change?

You sound hard on yourself. I cant believe you are awful. Ive had few relationships too. Any decent man got turned off by the people pleasing core i try to hide and abusers love that, the more you please the more they lock you down but keep telling you how to be more pleasing.

You need to stop thinking your mother is a good person. You know that she wasn't.

You need therapy for sure.

Good luck OP your childhood sounds bloody hard.

That I have a temper, a very short fuse. I will say nasty things when I'm angry (which is true but I think sometimes it is warranted)

You have rage in you because of all the unfair things that have happened to you. That’s ok, but you will need to work through it and express it with your therapist. Then you will be able to stop the pattern of directing it at inappropriate targets (boyfriends etc).

You are so young, OP. You have a great life waiting for you. Keep working at this and everything will be good

Just to say I had a similar childhood and have two siblings who have tempers and who switch very quickly. If they feel attacked in any way however small they will lose it with that person. They drink a lot too. One is now having therapy and is improving. She is also taking medication which is really helping.

I made sure I got therapy as early as possible and it's been a godsend.

I don't actually like my parents very much and that's fine. I can accept they did what they did because they weren't very good parents. The siblings who have struggled the most are the ones who desperately want to believe that our parents were or are nice people

Have a look at and a read of this article.

Both talk about 'core beliefs' - the way we think about the world, ourselves and other people in our formative years. Core beliefs are designed to keep ourselves safe and, as such, we develop rules around those beliefs which - as far as we are concerned - are absolutely true.

Problems occur when our core beliefs are skewed or negative due to the behaviours, attitudes and actions of the people around us - parents primarily but also carers, siblings and, later on, friends and teachers. Given your upbringing, OP, isn't not all surprising that you have a blind spot when it comes to forming healthy relationships.

The good news is that once you understand this stuff, you can change it! Either on your own (there is tons of information on the net, just be careful to filter out anything that's too woowoo!) or with the help of a good therapist or counsellor.