Am I still at risk?

[nosafeguardingadults]

Everything calm been calm for a while. He's left but coming back but don't know when or how long for. Rang a place for help cos think maybe better leave before gets bad again but they said I don't need to leave now. They said I should call police if I was worried but that would stir him up and he's calm at moment. Really think he'd kill me if they got involved again.

I'm so frightened. Was really frightening when police been out before. Can't deal with it especially on my own. Got nothing to report anyway cos no recent physical violence. Still control and psychological abuse but no proof. So confused cos if she doesn't think I need to leave and no more risk, what would police do anyway except it would make him angry. Feel like sitting duck just waiting for him to attack me again but maybe I'm being stupid and just need to stop thinking of the past. Maybe he won't do anything again. Almost want him to just cos so hard mentally waiting not knowing. Maybe need reminder not just me imagining or making it up. Feel so panicky being here but now she's made me feel like a time waster. Do I need to stop worrying. Don't need to leave? He's in control whilst I'm here but doesn't matter if he's not attacking me?

You don't need a third party's permission to leave someone. Do you have children together?

Got nowhere to go. Was in a refuge and thought had somewhere to go but they changed their minds. Don't want to go through more temporary so frightening all official scary if no real risk anymore. Don't know if it's just memories now. If he leaves me alone maybe he will, don't need to leave. Can't work out if still real risk anymore. Was high risk when went to refuge but things changed?

Don't know if I'm stuck in the past in my head. Trying to leave but no longer risk? Panic being here flashbacks and mentally struggling but that's not physical risk. Can't relax knowing he can do something even if he doesn't. He's so hard to trust. Is he leaving me alone or is he planning something. I don't know if I should wait and see. Call police if emergency but if nothing happens, just don't need to leave?

"Was high risk when went to refuge but things changed?"

What changed? And are you living in your own property or shared property with your ex? Do they have a key?

Is there a police record of him being violent? Can you not get a restraining order preventing him from.coming back?Who owns or is the tenant of the house where you are now?

We're so sorry to hear all that you are dealing with at the moment, OP.

We know you have explored avenues of support already but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. Our Domestic Violence page is here.

We hope that you can find the support you need.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

If you're still scared you're still at risk, my love. Do you have money?

If there was risk before, there is risk now. Don't second guess yourself. Please do all you can to escape

If you are in fear you should leave and don't need anyone's permission to do so.
I had this from the police who told me I didn't need to go to a refuge because I could go to my mums .

I'm not quite clear from your post on how you ended up back there after going already but you can still access support again.
I really recommend women's aid, explain to them how you feel and what's going on.
I completely understand what you mean when you say you'd rather he just do something as the feeling of not knowing when is awful. I used to feel exactly the same, my stomach would be churning and would get worse as time went on as I'd know he must be due to kick off soon.

It's no way to live and the best feeling is getting away.
Life becomes a cycle of abuse and waiting to be abused, you deserve so much more than that.
I hope you're ok, don't downplay your feelings - your feelings are valid and being controlled and scared is abuse. You do need to get away from it and are entitled to help to do so.

No. She was reminding you that it's your decision to make, that nobody will force you. She was reminding you that you can and should call 999 if he is being violent.

She wasn't saying it is all fine and dandy to be continuing to be abused, living in fear of being murdered if you try to leave. She wasn't saying the police won't care unless it's a 999 situation.

I think you're hearing what you want to hear rather than what is being said, because you're frightened and don't want to face what's happening or have to leave.

'Wait and see' for what? It's too late to leave after he's killed you my dear.

When he's not there is the perfect time to leave.

Slow down your breathing. Slow down the panic.

Joint home he has key. Have nowhere to go if he's arrested. He's being so calm and maybe it's better now and why risk making it bad by going to police or leaving and putting my life in unknown people's hands. Was so hard. Don't have strength to go through more temporary. Desperate be settled no more fear no more temporary life on hold. Thought I had move on from refuge sorted but places like councils lied and messing me around not doing what they meant to. Don't think can do it without support but so exhausted and scared of who to trust now and don't know if can trust any of the services anymore. Maybe I have to be stronger keep trying and it doesn't matter if no support? Some really kind people in the services but had some really bad experiences too. The woman today was horrible didn't care and made me feel like a time waster. Can't go local support cos someone who knows me and him works there. Can't risk it really can't. Long wait for other one but whilst you wait, they might call police if they think high risk and I definitely can't do police without support.

Council behaviour feels to me same as when he's being psychologically abusive. In my head I see them as abusers now too. Feel so vulnerable against them. Too scared to fight them cos when I try to get them to do legal duty, they talk about police and safeguarding. If get legal help, scared they'll get revenge. Feel like it's just to put me off cos they know the situation and happy to leave me at risk for ages. If they really concerned, would already need to do safeguarding. Feel they threaten it to stop me forcing them to help. Sorry I know it's down to me what to do but posted cos can't trust my own judgement anymore if am really still at risk or just not letting go of past. Don't know if I'm at risk enough to go through this fight. He's left me alone for a while and maybe I need to let go of the past. Hard being here cos flashbacks and feel watched but that's my problem not a physical danger. It's tiny what if making me scared like what if he does do something again. He's waited ages in the past.

If he was a risk before, he is a risk now. They do not change.

How on earth did you end up back in that house? What happened to the refuge?

Do you have children?

Feels impossible fight. Don't know if enough proof unless attacked again. If police called now, what do I say. No recent physical violence. Other stuff is control still but it's not obvious and can't prove and none of the places meant to help seem to care especially about the economic abuse. If the woman I spoke to today didn't take it seriously how would the police. All they can do anyway is arrest him and question him then release him. Then he'll be angry and dangerous and not care about consequences as long as he gets revenge. Tried to get evidence together in case needed but lost some of it and keep trying to tell GP a few details of past violence but they didn't record it in my notes. Think they believe me but maybe don't know to record but anyway it's just my word about what happened. Thinking should write to GP with details for records but they can't know if I'm telling truth. Everything so calm with him. All the stress and upset is coming from places meant to help. Don't know what is best to do. Keep fighting when feels impossible without support and it's making me so ill or just maybe leave it for now. Probably be safe here and try to move on from my fears. Maybe wait and see what he does and if he gets nasty again, try to leave then but maybe won't need to.

Why did you leave the refuge? Any kids?

Thought was temporary had move on housing sorted and thought support was set up but turned out places had lied. The woman didn't call me and the council messing me around. Now threats of police but only if I keep trying to get help from them so can't be genuine worries of safeguarding. They keep literally ignoring me. Not replying to messages and saying can't make decision yet. Been going on for several months now. No children don't worry. The longer I stay here, more my confidence to leave goes. Feel like the council worse abuser than him. He's so calm now. Is it worth making myself ill doing impossible fight. Impossible without support. They taking advantage of me nkt having advocate. Maybe better leaving it unless he gets bad again. It's mentally hard not knowing waiting under sort of cloud but it's also mentally destroying me trying to get help. Don't know who to trust anymore.

You do need to leave. This is no way to live the rest of your one life. Is there nobody you can stay with for a little while? Maybe someone in a different town? You’ve got a right to free rail travel if you’re fleeing domestic abuse.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-51751582

Trapped no way out unless until he physically attacks me again. Tried to call a place for help today cos need advocate to help me with rehousing. Councils eat you for breakfast without advocate. Website says advocacy casework. The council is behaving like an abuser and they don't care if you get abused or even killed. Their website says they accept rehousing referrals from domestic abuse advocate. So impossible if live in area where no advocate to help.

Woman I spoke to seemed to be saying they won't take me on cos no physical violence in a while. The psychological control I have no proof. She made out it was just me being mentally ill, me being scared about risk from him. She was saying as nothing with hard evidence has happened in so long, no longer risk enough to get advocate.

She told me to speak to a counsellor about my feelings. Ive asked GP for counselling but that won't make me safe. GP understands. GP told me I need to leave cos living at risk is what's affecting my mental health. Wish wasn't so hard to get an advocate. Some areas not like this but problem is they only help if you live in right area. So stuck without advocate.

She didn't seem to believe me about something that's going to happen with him at some point. He has complete control over me with something but she didn't seem to care. He hasn't killed me yet so death threat means nothing cos too long ago and doesn't matter he nearly killed me in the past cos long ago so nothing recent. It's obviously affecting my mental health being forced to be sitting duck staying waiting here and not given help with rehousing but counselling won't get me somewhere safe. My GP even says my mental health better if I'm living somewhere safe.

Feel like have to deal with the risk cos no way getting somewhere safe without domestic abuse advocate. Only given help with advocate in this area if physically attacked again. Being at risk they don't care unless it happens again and they don't care about psychological abuse or control.

Sorry posting so much. Just so upset why places don't want to help. Some do but not my local ones and the others can't help cos not allowed to help if you not local.

She made me feel like a time waster. He's gone long periods without physical violence before so maybe this time it really is ok. Maybe she's right. Maybe no longer at risk and it's just my mental health when feeling scared about being sitting duck.

Sorry posting all over the place but feel sick about it all. Why places don't want to advocate for me. Maybe I'm being unfair. She said she needs to check with manager but I got impression she feels it's no risk as no recent violence. I desperately want to give up but problem is any day he's going to do something and I don't want to wait for it like sitting duck. I feel like I'm exaggerating the risk now. He hasn't killed me yet or attacked in ages so am I worrying for nothing, like she seemed to be suggesting? Don't want to go on doing this if no need. Trying to get help as bad psychologically as abuse. Don't want to waste their time either. They have women at immediate risk so I should just leave it unless something happens but problem is feel sick with fear waiting as he's definitely going to do something at some point.

OP I'm not clear on what's going on here.

You were in a refuge and were supposed to get housed but the council messed you around on that and you lost the house, so you moved back in with your abuser.

If you need letters of support to get help, your GP can provide those for you. Has anyone told you your options here? Eg private renting, legal injunctions, gathering evidence etc

If you contact Victim Support, they can provide an advocate but you really need a dv specialist on the case either with local support services or an IDVA (independent domestic violence advocate).

It seems as though you are no longer deemed at risk and have been signed off from services.

Your options:

Go back to a refuge - if your life is at risk, which you seem to think it is, then a refuge is the best bet for you.

Get the council to help with housing as you are fleeing domestic abuse (you're right not to trust them. Many council's have gatekeepers to prevent you from getting the help you are entitled to). You can contact Shelter and ask what help you are entitled to but I understand that you feel frightened and vulnerable and not in the right headspace for that.

Find out what support is in your area. Do a search online: 'Domestic abuse help ....' put in where you live. You can also find out on your council website.

If there are limited services in your area, contact Victim Support: www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support/get-help/support-near-you/

If your GP believe you are in danger, then she should also be able to refer you for services. She can also provide letters of support for the council and for benefits/legal help if you need them.

You also have legal options such as an occupation order to keep him away from the home if he is arrested or a DVPO (28 day police order to keep him away from you and the home).

Victim support waste of time. 2 month wait in my area. Called them and they told me to just call police. So have to wait to be attacked again so can call police although not strong enough for police without support. What is the point of victim support if all they do is tell you to call the police. Wheres the support.

You think it's just me making it up or exaggerating? Like it's just me thinking I'm at risk? Was told I was risk of being murdered. Was desperate to stay in my area but they wouldn't support me in applying to my own area cos saying it's a risk but now suddenly it's ok to stay in old home? My life in his hands. Complete control over if I'm safe or not. Constant fear hanging over me. He has that control. Hard to keep going everyday with that hanging over me. Every day wake up not free. That doesn't seem to matter to the place I spoke to today the local service. Only care if recent physical violence. Doesn't matter if lots already happened. Only matters to them if recent and they don't care about control or psychological abuse.

Maybe I'm not at risk anymore? Does it matter about the control? No physical for ages. Happened long gaps in the past but maybe it's different this time? GP thinks mental health suffering being here cos of risk but council don't care about what GP thinks. I want to go back in time. He is hundred percent less of an abuser than the council. I just want to be safe. Never again have my life in other people's hands. Living with risks of things worse than death it destroys you. Like a slow painful death.

Can't do 28 day thing. Cos not my home. As important as not being killed need a home. Don't understand why places don't care about that. Cruel to encourage someone to have no home. That's not safe anymore than being hit. Want to go back in time. Feel like going to refuge was like disturbing hornets nest.

OP, do you have a family or friends you can stay with short term?
Do you have money? If yes, You can move far away and find a private rent which will be faster than waiting for council house. At least, it will solve your safety issue.

Noone. Wasn't allowed friends. Can't move far can't unwell disability. Don't understand why other women get help and not me. What's the point of women's aid if only thing women have to do is just leave. What are the domestic abuse organisations for.