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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

6 months pregnant, partner has left me

52 replies

redlbr · 27/07/2021 17:03

Hi everyone

I will try and keep this as straightforward as I can

I am currently 26 weeks pregnant and already have a 5 year old son, both to my (now ex) partner

Things have always been rocky. Ex has borderline personality disorder (diagnosed) and struggles with depression and anxiety

In 2019 we split, he remained in our jointly owned home and me and my son moved out and rented.

August 2020 we reconciled and have since been trying to make things work (or so I thought). I fell pregnant beginning of 2021, baby wasn't planned and many will think how foolish but nonetheless we are expecting a baby girl in October. Please no judgment, the clock cannot be turned back!

Anyway, throughout our relationship I have tried so so hard to support his struggles with his BPD and mental health, I have tried to be patient, caring, forgiving. He does not work at all, he has issues with gambling and is verbally and emotionally abusive. We are in the process of selling our home to pay off his debts and living together in my rented home. Things have never been great, but never so bad as they have been lately but I always held on to that glimmer of hope and so wanted for things to work out. So many people have told me to leave but it's so easy to say and so hard to do. We have good and happy times too and I think they are what keep me holding on.

Today he has upped and left me. He says that he's not happy with me, he's been pretending because I'm pregnant. He won't communicate or talk, he's blocked my number and social media. He's already on dating sites. He is being so cold and blunt and so final about everything. I feel worthless! I can't stop crying and thinking this is not how things are meant to be. Feels like my world has crumbled around me

I'm so sad, confused, hurt and I feel abandoned. I guess I'm just here for somewhere to vent and hopefully find someone who can relate and tell me everything will be ok? It's like I know im better off without him but I am also terrified and heartbroken and sad.

Any advice would be appreciated xx

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 29/07/2021 11:06

You need to see a solicitor - and quickly

Or Citizens Advice, they are brilliant

mobear · 29/07/2021 12:00

On a practical note, you don’t have to allow him to take the deposit out before splitting the proceeds of sale 50/50. If he wants it he can take you to court for it. Given it sounds like you might struggle to get maintenance out of him I would not be voluntarily handing over money you have a legal entitlement to. Flowers

Viviennemary · 29/07/2021 12:03

I think you are just going to have to accept he's left and do the best you can. It doesn't sound like he was much support anyway.

Viviennemary · 29/07/2021 12:05

Didnt see your last post. Sorry. I agree you need advice re the financial situation.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 29/07/2021 12:15

Get a solicitor, quick. You may need to force the sale, this can be done.

Unless his deposit is protected via declaration of trust, you might legally have claim to half of it. That could be a bargaining chip for you if you need to play hardball, but you do need professional advice on how to move forward.

Honestly, sometimes the trash takes itself out. Do not listen when he inevitably comes back begging for another go.

AgentJohnson · 29/07/2021 12:30

You need to get legal advice ASAP before he squanders your half of the equity. I suspect his plan is to rack up more debt to fund his idleness.

You are grieving the person you were desperate for him to be and you do need to prioritise therapy because if he changes his mind, you will squander the massive opportunity him leaving has afforded you and your children.

Original poster
redlbr · 29/07/2021 15:32

There is a declaration of trust so his deposit is protected.

Top of to do list will be solicitor and therapist.

Feeling a little bit proud of myself as I had my little boy home last night, ex came at lunchtime to pick him up. I didn't want him to see me in a state again so I made sure house was tidy and I looked presentable - his face dropped when he saw I wasn't a snotty mess. Seeing as he has made it very clear he is moving out, I had also gathered some more of his things and put them by the door, his reaction to this was 'you're a F-ing joke'. I calmly said, I'm just trying to help by gathering your stuff together. He then said 'don't **ing come near me ever again!'. I did not bite, I didn't respond just waved my little boy off with a smile.

Can't comprehend his behaviour though. He's like a stranger. Not sure if this is a particularly bad bpd 'episode' that's the only explanation I can't think of for his irrational thought processes and anger

OP posts:
Original poster
redlbr · 29/07/2021 15:33

Not sure why some of text went bold!

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 29/07/2021 15:51

I can relate totally. You have to remember this isn't your fault its his BPD. He will be back after this episode of mental health has subsided - let's face it, he always has up until now. However, another guarantee is that he will always be like this and have these episodes, they will never cease no matter what you do - its who he is and cannot be fixed. Yes 3 days ago things were great between you, because his mental health was good buts its not good today. The question you need to ask yourself is...is this the type of relationship I want? If the answer is no, I suggest you have your baby and little family and focus on the three of you. I promise it'll be easier than it is now without him pulling your emotions in all directions. Then in time you'll meet someone who can meet your needs, because this guy can't - he cant be consistent, he's not able to be. You can't live happily being subject to his moods. Currently whether you have a good or bad day/holiday/weekend/meal out etc is subject to his moods and I bet they can change without warning and its like walking on egg shells. You know deep down that when he's having a good day that a bad one is around the corner and you have no idea what will trigger it or when. Its so hard to relax. I've been there and done that! Please OP put the sentimentality of memories of when he is occasionally on good form to one side and put you and the children first. Well done BTW for having your own home and keeping it steady in these upsetting times, at least you've got control there Flowers

Original poster
redlbr · 29/07/2021 17:39

Yes that's very true every day is dependent on his mood. I'm always waiting for the next drama. Your words really resonate, thank you.

Trying to be strong but I keep going over everything in my head asking why, how?

I wish I could fast forward through the pain and see the light at the end of the tunnel x

OP posts:
ZealAndArdour · 29/07/2021 17:46

Him upping and leaving sounds like the kindest gift the universe could have sent you. Take heed and make it permanent.

Original poster
redlbr · 29/07/2021 20:53

So he left 2 days ago. Today he took our 5yo and went for a nice family day out with another woman and her child.

A family day I would have absolutely loved for us but never seemed to get.

My heart feels like it's shattered. Sad

OP posts:
66babe · 29/07/2021 21:01

He's a prick
Be strong lovely

Papoy · 29/07/2021 21:27

Why do you want to talk to him, find some excuse so you can be with him, extend the abuse and torture ….

Just let him go and move on…. Seriously this is not love … this is not a healthy relationship… this isn't someone to cry after !!!

LadyLolaRuben · 29/07/2021 22:43

@redlbr

Yes that's very true every day is dependent on his mood. I'm always waiting for the next drama. Your words really resonate, thank you.

Trying to be strong but I keep going over everything in my head asking why, how?

I wish I could fast forward through the pain and see the light at the end of the tunnel x

Why and how is because he has mental health issues that he can't or won't manage. You can't buy time and thats exactly what you need to get through this. You can't go around it or take a detour, you have to work through it and come out the other side. Thing is, how many times are you going to put you and you DC through this? For all your sakes do your very best to make this the last time or you'll be going through this again and again. Eventually your mental health will suffer x
Rheia1983 · 30/07/2021 12:17

OP, I urge you to get therapy. Love yourself enough to take that step, because it sounds as if you have had experiences in your life that have made you believe that are unworthy of caring and love and that you should accept the abuse your partner has hurled your way.

layladomino · 30/07/2021 13:39

At the moment your emotional response is overwhelming any logic or practical thoughts. I'm sure that on a logical / common sense level you know that this man is bad for you, abuses you, and your life will be so much better without him. But because it's early days, your emotions are over ruling that - and they are strong emotions. They make you question if it's the right thing, and go over and over in your head why it's happened / could you have avoided it etc etc.

This is reflected in responses from posters here. We aren't emotionally invested and can only see the cold, hard facts. And from where we're sitting you are better off now - he's done you a favour. You will be happier and healthier in the long run without a doubt. And so will your DC.

If you accept the above is true, you know that what you need to do right now is to acknowledge your emotions are real, but that they are misguided, and you must not act on them. You should only act on the facts, the common sense, the logical. So as someone said above 'face it til you make it'. Play the part of together, calm, confident, no-nonsense, kick-ass redlbr, who is glad her awful partner has left and is really looking forward to a better life.

Before very long your emotions will catch up and you will genuinly believe it. And in the meantime, at least you will project the common-sense approach to your ex (and let's face it, seeing you snivelling and pleasing isn't going to make him change his ways), and youd DC gets to see their Mum being brilliant.

Without any doubt whatsoever, you will be fine. In fact you will blossom once well and truly extracted from this damaging relationship. You and your DC.

layladomino · 30/07/2021 13:40

Sorry that should be 'fake it til you make it'

layladomino · 30/07/2021 13:40

and pleading not pleasing. arrgghhh.

toolazytothinkofausername · 30/07/2021 13:46

@redlbr

So he left 2 days ago. Today he took our 5yo and went for a nice family day out with another woman and her child.

A family day I would have absolutely loved for us but never seemed to get.

My heart feels like it's shattered. Sad

Enough! It is over! Stop wallowing and start rebuilding a life for you and your 2 DC.

Have you had legal advice yet?

Do not put his name on your daughters birth certificate!

Original poster
redlbr · 31/07/2021 15:16

Thank you again everyone. I keep rereading all your comments over and over again. It really helps.

I have not sought legal advice as yet - I do not yet have the head space to do so. Top of list for next week or so.

Initial consultation with a therapist booked in for Monday, she has experience in domestic abuse, trauma and personality disorders. Hoping that will help

Still absolutely no communication from him, he hasn't asked how I am in terms of the pregnancy. It's like he's forgotten I exist, like a stranger. The fact I do not recognise the person he is being makes me sad but also kind of helps.

Today is the first day I have not yet cried. Took my boy for a play date and am staying with family for the weekend, helps to be out of the house where everything reminds me.

I feel a little stronger, I know that will come in waves and I need to not be disheartened when the tears show up again.

X

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 31/07/2021 15:48

@redlbr

Thank you again everyone. I keep rereading all your comments over and over again. It really helps.

I have not sought legal advice as yet - I do not yet have the head space to do so. Top of list for next week or so.

Initial consultation with a therapist booked in for Monday, she has experience in domestic abuse, trauma and personality disorders. Hoping that will help

Still absolutely no communication from him, he hasn't asked how I am in terms of the pregnancy. It's like he's forgotten I exist, like a stranger. The fact I do not recognise the person he is being makes me sad but also kind of helps.

Today is the first day I have not yet cried. Took my boy for a play date and am staying with family for the weekend, helps to be out of the house where everything reminds me.

I feel a little stronger, I know that will come in waves and I need to not be disheartened when the tears show up again.

X

Why does it matter if he communicates with you? He isn't thinking about you so why spend so much time thinking about him? Right now he is thinking about his next bang, and you should be thinking about protecting your family.

I'm glad you haven't cried today as he isn't worth a single tear. He isn't worth a single thought either.

toolazytothinkofausername · 31/07/2021 15:50

It's good you're staying with family, you need your support network right now. Get strength from them, then use it to get what needs doing done!

user16395699 · 31/07/2021 15:56

Keep going. Keep building. What else is on your list?

Still absolutely no communication from him

That's a good thing. You don't want communication from him. He's an abuser who you're not supposed to be engaging with, remember?

Your goal is to break free of him, not hope he comes back.

Hopefully the therapist is a good match for you. What kind of qualifications do they have?

user16395699 · 31/07/2021 15:56

I feel a little stronger, I know that will come in waves and I need to not be disheartened when the tears show up again.

Absolutely.

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