I'll never like my inlaws; can my marriage work?

[Chuckleberrie]

I've been married for 8 years and we have recently been struggling to make things work. We have been preparing for separation, but through marriage counselling, in the last 2 months, we appear to be unexpectedly reconciling.

We havent yet addressed the main elephant in the room however as we have been working through couple stuff- my inlaws. His mother is an awful, self absorbed person who cares little for anyone but herself. She made my life a misery after DC was born with her interfering and persistent cirticisms and expectations. She treats me as nothing more than a vessel for carrying grandchildren now, she's still rude and undermining. She talks at me constantly and when I talk back, she ignores me or starts a conversation up with someone else- this is to a point that even DH and SIL have to pull her up and tell her not to be rude to me. I hate her complany and she's always complaining that we won't go on holiday with them! They are wealthy and I am not, they make me feel like the poor relation and MIL will emphasise all the wonderful money fuelled experiences she's given her kids in comparison to my upbringing. It's vile. She's probably narcissistic.

FIL is subtly excluding of me, but little things like not giving me pocket money to save for the DCs. He will wait until he sees DH if I'm collecting the children and they ask for their weekly £2, like I'm some sort of money pincher. He's also made comments about protecting deposits and things in the past. He also once booked a 2 day event for him and DH to go to on my birthday when I was post-partum with 2 DCs and struggling. There is no care for me whatsoever. When I told them about DHs neglectful behaviour towards me and DCs, they told me I needed to allow him to have a life. They don't care about me at all. I am a commodity.

DH does not see any of this. He sees MILs behaviour but thinks I should find it comical, as apparently the rest of the family do. I however, do not find her narcissism in the least bit funny. Even when him and SIL pull her up on her rudeness towards me they laugh it off afterwards..."oh, she's so rude. Don't worry chuckleberrie, she does it to everyone... hahaha."

DHs parents have somewhat molecoddled him and so, although he doesn't see them every day, I believe they have far too much influence in his life. But mostly, i just don't want to be in their company, they don't care for me in the slightest. I find them condescending and disagreeable and awkward- conversation with them is a huge challenge and yet MIL will repeatedly compliment DH and swoon over how wonderful he is in comparison to little digs at me.

I'll never like them, but as they collect both DCs from school regularly and are very helpful with any extra childcare, I know I have to tolerate them. DH however can't understand why I'm happy for them to take care of DCs but don't want to spend any time with them. DCs enjoy going so I see no harm in them having a close relationship with them, but I personally don't want to.

I think deep down DH resents me for this. Can we still have a happy marriage if I don't like his parents?

It’s a big elephant for sure the biggest is your husband’s willingness to see you disrespected, insulted and hurt so he can avoid rocking the boat. That’s a deal breaker.

I wonder if your dh used to tell his parents about any issues in your marriage which turned your ils against you.
Even if he didn’t, he should stick up for you but never has and allowed his parents to treat you awfully.
He thinks too little of you, along with his family and that’s hard to live with.
You shouldn’t have to live like this.

I also see his issue, that you’ll use them for free childcare but hate their guts.

You need to go no contact. Let him proceed with his family. If this is a marriage ended only you and him know.

DH however can't understand why I'm happy for them to take care of DCs but don't want to spend any time with them.

I do have to agree with this. Either they are so bad you stop taking help and accept a very minimal role in your life, or you tolerate them (perhaps being MUCH firmer when rudeness is directed towards you).

It does send a mixed message to your DH that they're a deal breaker in your marriage but you still want the help. He's pulling her up on her rudeness so not completely ignoring? If you were willing to cut them from your life more I'd say your DH needs to help more with the situation, but not sure what you're expecting him to right now? I think you both need to sit down with them and address the behaviour and impact it's having on the marriage.

Are you having counselling on your own?

No ones in laws are perfect, they just aren’t. Yours clearly do care about your DC and look after them with regular childcare to help you out. Yet you describe them as ‘vile’ and ‘probably narcissistic’.

They don’t sound great at all, but I think you have issues tbh and you’ve alluded to them here. You need to get some help for yourself and start trying to mend your family.

You need to go no contact. Let him proceed with his family.

It’s not really ok for the OP to use people for childcare and speak about them as she does and then go no contact! These are loving grandparents who are helping out. How on Earth do you ‘go no contact’ when you need to make arrangements for children. That’s ridiculous.

The children are jointly theirs and it’s not solely OP’s job to source and organise childcare for them.

But I agree that neither of them should be trying to involve the parents in their rows by slagging the other one off. Least of all OP, who already knows they don’t like her much and will side with their son.

A good rule of thumb here is that if relatives or parents are too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well.

Where are your boundaries at here; they seem all over the place when it comes to the inlaws. Your DH does indeed have a point here; why use them for childcare when his mother (and father for that matter; he is her willing enabler here) treats you like this?. All you're doing by doing that is further playing into her hands. It also sends your children mixed messages re your place within the family. Your children are a nice source of narcissistic supply to her and they could well be manipulated by her against you.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, let alone his parents so stop using them for childcare. They are not suitable nor emotionally healthy enough to be around your children.

Your H grew up within this dysfunctional family and is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt as well. His own inertia also when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you.

The problem is that if I suddenly decided on a no childcare rule, there would be complete hell.

They WANT to care for DCs so to take it away, there would be huge uproar. DH woupd definitely leave me for sure. Jis parents would involve everyone and my life would be made such a misery.

DCs would be devastated.

I'm not sure I can or want to deal with that.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as this could help. You've likely never come across people like his parents before.

People like your DH who have come from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what role is being played here by him?. And same re his sister; someone was more favoured in that family when they were growing up and it may have been her. If your DHs role was scapegoat this further means that his family also get scapegoated as a result.

Sitting down to have a chat with his parents about their behaviours is going to be as effective as peeing in the ocean and really not worth doing. They have neither the insight nor the empathy to change and they honestly would feel they have done nothing here.

What you and your DH need to do is to present a united front both with his parents and with your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

@PersonaNonGarter

You need to go no contact. Let him proceed with his family.

It’s not really ok for the OP to use people for childcare and speak about them as she does and then go no contact! These are loving grandparents who are helping out. How on Earth do you ‘go no contact’ when you need to make arrangements for children. That’s ridiculous.

He can make the arrangements, not her.

I revolve my work days around the childcare days that they want to do, so not a complete one way street.

@attilathemeerkat he is golden child his sister the scapegoat.

Why would your children be devastated?. That's a very strong word to use. They likely will not feel devastation at all, that is merely what you think they will feel. What his parents want is for them to use your children as a means of getting back at both you and your husband. They have more disposable income and could well try and buy your kids hearts and minds.

And what you want is just as important if not more so. You matter; stop with being the last person who matters here. His parents did not do a very good job when it came to parenting their now adult children and they have not fundamentally changed since those days.

How old are your children roughly; say junior school age or younger?. They won't need such childcare in later years so I would now start to gradually reduce the amount of time that they spend with them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as this could help. You've likely never come across people like his parents before.

People like your DH who have come from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what role is being played here by him?. And same re his sister; someone was more favoured in that family when they were growing up and it may have been her. If your DHs role was scapegoat this further means that his family also get scapegoated as a result.

Sitting down to have a chat with his parents about their behaviours is going to be as effective as peeing in the ocean and really not worth doing. They have neither the insight nor the empathy to change and they honestly would feel they have done nothing here.

What you and your DH need to do is to present a united front both with his parents and with your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What you say about "sitting down to have a chat with his parents..." Exactly this. We tried it and MIL spent the next year telling me what a dedicated grandmother she was after taking offence to what I'd said about her behaviour towards ME. She completely misses the point every. Single. Time.

The golden child is a role not without price either and your DH is still unaware of the price to be paid.

His parents will make one of your children the golden child with the other being the scapegoat too. This is also why they need to stay away from his parents. You find them too difficult etc so stay away so why subject your children to what is really the same?. The number of mixed messages they are receiving about your place within the family is staggering as well as damaging.

I would also read and consider also posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Them providing childcare for the children is completely seperate to your relatiomship with them. I dont think youre wrong there. Thats them taking the fact that youre actually still allowing their relationship with their grandchildren, and using it against you. If they arent actually poisoning the kids against you, then id do the same. It doesnt detract from your experience

They will launch a smear campaign against you by enlisting wider family into doing their bidding for them; this is typical behaviour from people like his mother and father. The "flying monkeys" (they tend to be both well meaning but easily manipulated) are not interested in your side of the story and so their opinion should be ignored.

I’d go no contact with them. I did with my ex in laws for 28 years.. My ex took the kids to see them, when he’d wanted to, as they had a good relationship with their paternal grandparents. I think it was in laws they had problems with.🙄

It solved the problem - I didn’t have to see or listen to them, they lost a “target” and it didn’t involve anyone having to take sides. I saw life as too short to have to deal with their crap.

My marriage ended after 30 years, but it had nothing to do with the in-laws.

I bet your DH slags you off to his parents behind your back. They feel sorry for their son because he has given them that impression.

Mumsnet is afloat with tails of low contact with p'n'laws. It always comes down to how the partner deals with it. I am low contact with my m'n'law but actively encourage my husband's relationship with her. I know that he will always back me and if he really had to choose he would choose me - but because I know this it makes me love him more and I just want him to be happy. I don't ever want him to feel he needs to choose. But he does stand up and be counted if she's acted really badly towards me he will speak to her about it and tell her its not acceptable.
The only thing is you have so much anger about this its something you will need to deal with. Even if you don't stay with your husband its not great to carry this much anger around with you.

And my best m'n'l advice is - lower your expectations. She doesn't seem to have her head screwed on right so she is never going to be the person you want her to be. Have low expectations and you will never be disappointed. It sounds like your husband and his sister have low expectations of her while you have high expectations. And yes if this was a relationship you were choosing then that's understandable - but you are family with her through chance not choice.

I'm basically NC with my in-laws. Dh arranges contact when he wants to. Kids barely see them. No longer my circus, no longer my monkeys. I'm happy with it that way, and I'm pretty sure they are too.

A marriage can survive shitty in laws.

But not when the other partner thinks all is fine and it's YOU that's the problem.

To be honest, if I thought my mom was a narcissist and my dh thought it was funny, I wouldn't be allowing them to care for them so much. I wouldn't expose my kids to that.

It does feel like you want to be able to loudly, dislike them whole allowing them alot of access to your life and your children. Telling them your dh is not a good dad or husband, was never going to go down well.

I genuinely don't see how your marriage could continue in this situation.

The only way my marriage has survived this is that I don't see or speak to my PIL's at all. I don't interfere in DH's relationship with his parents, in fact I remind him to catch up with them. But I have nothing to do with them. It took DH a while to accept this but now that he has it works really well for us. We never argue about his parents any more whereas before, when I saw/spoke to them regularly we were always arguing about what his mum said to me etc. Obviously he would love for us all to play happy families but he knows that realistically it isn't going to work.

By using them for childcare you are keeping those ties with them. They aren't going to magically start being lovely to you and behaving exactly as you hope towards you so you need to either cut the ties (childcare), keep putting up with it or split up with your DH.