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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not even 8 months

30 replies

JonathonCreeksAnorak · 26/07/2021 21:49

I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Maybe it's cathartic. Maybe it's so others can see the signs. I really don't know.
8 months ago (to the day) I had my first day with J. Lovely, kind, funny, solvent etc. No red flags. He moved in with me and my children 3 months later. And something I will always regret.

He is insecure, starts every relationship with distrust and trust is earned. He then becomes abusive, little by little. He used to look at me with love, and within weeks I'm already wondering where and why that look has gone. He's critical, abusive and gaslighting. Within 2 months of him moving in I hardly recognise myself and I'm walking on eggshells, wondering what mood he will be in. 6 months in I call the police. And I still let him back. After that he bugs my house, records my every move. And then last week he gets drunk and starts on my children. The end. He moved out at the weekend. He wouldn't go at first, said he would tell the police I had pulled a knife on him. I gathered my friends and children's dad together and he moved out on Sunday. I know I'm a total and utter idiot. And I've still got many bruises (cos I've glossed over many details) but I'm so relieved and thoroughly loving my children, home and peace x

OP posts:
Ntwa · 26/07/2021 21:52

Big hugs. We all make the wrong choices sometimes but you saw through him and made the best decision for you and your children. I hope you’re ok

DramaAlpaca · 26/07/2021 21:52

Oh gosh, what an ordeal. Thank god you and your children are now safe.

Theredone5 · 26/07/2021 21:53

💐💐💐
Sending you lots of courage and love. Well done for protecting yourself and children xxx

Original poster
JonathonCreeksAnorak · 26/07/2021 21:56

Omg, I'm already overwhelmed with the responses. I was expecting to be ridiculed etc. Im beating myself up constantly. My children are just my world.

Thank you all so much, you are making me cry x

OP posts:
User57327259 · 26/07/2021 22:33

You are so brave. It is not the mistakes we make that define us, it is the speed we rectify those mistakes that matters.
You have taken the steps to protect your children and you and that is the main thing.
Well done you. Take care stay safe

Thisisanillegalbingogame · 26/07/2021 22:39

Well done for being so strong. I’m glad you and your children are safe now. Don’t beat yourself up over it-you did something to rectify the problem. Take care Flowers

Mimzical · 26/07/2021 22:41

Sending you a big hug. So glad you are safe x

Original poster
JonathonCreeksAnorak · 26/07/2021 22:47

Thank you so much

OP posts:
gimmenachos · 26/07/2021 22:48

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I know from experience how difficult it is to leave, but you've done absolutely the right thing for you and your children. I think it's often easy to overlook things when they're just directed at you but when it comes to kids, it's a step too far. You're very courageous to take this step for all of you.

Please seek some professional help in your area to help you through this difficult period and to ensure you have mechanisms to keep you safe. Try to do the Freedom Program (or read Lundy Bancroft's book about The Dominator). Truly life changing. You might have to knock on several doors to get support in place, but keep asking or get your family to advocate for you. And know you can post here safely for advice. Solidarity sister xx

Original poster
JonathonCreeksAnorak · 26/07/2021 22:48

Thanks so much

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 26/07/2021 23:14

Sadly it is so hard to just say enough now go

Happened to me but I fled after 25 attempts made it out

Poor you

PRESS CHARGES

save the next innocent family he comes across xxxxx

starfishqueen · 26/07/2021 23:30

You are not a total & utter idiot.
You are phenomenal.
You're protecting yourself, your children, your home. Sounds like you have great friends & they're lucky to have you as a friend too.
Might be a good idea to engage with your local DA charity if you haven't already (support with safety planning, emotional support, practical stuff ...)
Well done 💐💪

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 26/07/2021 23:36

You are a strong woman. You fought for your kids and won.

We are conditioned to make excuses for men and blame ourselves.

You have survived an abusive relationship

You are even stronger now 🤜

Ruthietuthie · 26/07/2021 23:41

You poor poor love. I am SO sorry that this happened to you. And so filled with admiration that you were able to do what is so so very hard - to end this and get out.
Please do not beat yourself up for this. It is so so difficult not to believe that something is love, particularly when we all want love so much. It is often very very hard to see who someone really is in those early days when they are showering with you with love.
Wishing you and your children every future happiness, peace, and love.

WafflesOrIceCream · 27/07/2021 00:11

Well done!!!You stood up for your children.You are an amazing mother!Your kids will remember what you did for them and how you protected them.
I wish you and your children lots of happiness.

EccentricaGalumbits · 27/07/2021 00:28

There's very few of us out there who haven't been sucked in by a charming man at some stage. It often takes years for the real person to emerge. While I'm very sorry for what you went through, I'm happy you got out so quickly Flowers

As a single mum to late teens my best advice to any other woman out there is to create a life for yourself and your kids where you absolutely don't need a relationship to complete your life. Your little family unit can be rich with love, company, financial security, role models for your kids, without needing to partner up. If a good person comes along, that's an added bonus but women who are 100% self sufficient emotionally and practically are better placed to take their time and consider things carefully before moving forward.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 27/07/2021 00:33

It could so easily have been 8 years. Give yourself credit.

Sampafie · 27/07/2021 05:07

Please dont move in the next man you meet so quickly. Your children cant decide where they want to live and are quite literally at your mercy. Have some compassion with their poor souls

SStopRaisingHim · 27/07/2021 07:54

Well done. Please give yourself more credit. Many stay for years and years.

You believed in the dream. We can all fall for that.

Enjoy your peaceful home & life Flowers

RevolvingPivot · 27/07/2021 08:03

Well done for realising. Putting your kids first and getting rid x

ufucoffee · 27/07/2021 08:21

You have the strength to get rid of him. Well done.

Catlover1970 · 27/07/2021 16:03

Well done for being strong. Onwards and upwards xx

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2021 16:19

Well done
Don’t let him come back

OnlyTheLangOfTheTitberg · 27/07/2021 23:04

Well done on leaving, but I think there’s a lesson here on not leaping into things so quickly when there are children in the mix. Moving a new man in with them after three months was not putting their interests first, even if disentangling yourself again a few months later is a step in that direction. Good luck for the future.

thelastgoldeneagle · 27/07/2021 23:10

He moved in after only three months??

Do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your boundaries for future relationships.

But well done for getting out and protecting your kids!! Fabulous. You're obviously very strong.