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Original poster

Is he deflecting or am I at fault?

30 replies

oliverlouise342 · 26/07/2021 19:14

We are expecting our baby in September. On Sunday my husband started to give me the silent and angry treatment which has happened before. This usually happens when something has really stressed him out or when he has a stress about work, money etc.
Essentially he accused me of not being present, of not caring about our home or doing things there and being more focussed on work than our marriage. I think he's concerned that I will neglect the baby when they come along.

While it is true I am at best an unenthusiastic housewife (I clean once a week, often forget to do the dishes and sometimes just let things lie on the floor rather than picking them up) and as a freelancer don't feel able to turn work down, I also don't know to what extent he is deflecting. When he was unemployed he didn't complain about my work hours, also didn't keep the flat spotless and more to the point has just started a very stressful customer services job. I have noticed this tendency before when I have broached something I don't like he will start deflecting onto my faults until I just can't be bothered anymore. I also haven't been cooking lately because of the heat where we live.

I think he's also concerned about me because of my relationships with his family (nice people but while I am learning the local language I can't speak it well and they are very traditional and I don't have much in common with them) and my family (whom I love but haven't seen because they are in the UK and I'm not and while we love each other we are not as tight knit as many families). I also have a very British attitude to money (what you earn is yours) while where we live there is an expectation that spouses share. We have talked about these things in the past but I don't know how far he accepts it subconsciously.

Sorry to ramble on so much, it's rather fresh and I really would appreciate an outside perspective. thanks

OP posts:
category12 · 26/07/2021 19:22

If you both work, surely housework is both your jobs - why is it yours? Ditto cooking. You should both have equal downtime. You're best to get this sorted before the baby arrives, as you'll be fucked afterwards.

I don't think that is a "British" attitude to money - if you're married, your resources are shared whether you like it or not, in the UK. I think it's a personal or family attitude you have there.

Original poster
oliverlouise342 · 26/07/2021 19:40

Yeah that's what I think re housework. We do have differing standards and I am not a neat freak, I did suggest hiring a cleaner but he was against it!
Re money it is actually the local attitude that money is in common, it's observable among all my friends and I am unusual in my insistence that what i earn is mine.
We do communicate but Perhaps we both have a problem in accepting what the other thinks

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 26/07/2021 19:44

Yea, nothing British about it. You should be sharing resources when married, especially with DC. You should also be sharing housework. As you both work, could you hire a cleaner to help out? Still no getting out of some tasks. One simple rule, whoever cooks, doesn't have to wash up.

Opentooffers · 26/07/2021 20:00

On what grounds is he against a cleaner? Does he actually do as much housework as you? This could get more awkward when DC arrives. Are you planning a maternity break from work? In which case he is likely to expect and get used to you doing it all. I can see that you could be headed for a miserable time given that domesticity is not your dream job - can't blame you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2021 20:10

What continent are you living on now?. What are women’s rights like in this country?.

I ask this because you are in an abusive relationship with this man. Pregnancy and birth are often flash points for abusive men to further show their true colours. You also write that he has done these sorts of behaviours before now. He is blaming someone else I,e you for his problems and in his head you are to blame. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2021 20:10

I would think he sees the housework and childcare as your role by dint of fact that you are female.

Original poster
oliverlouise342 · 26/07/2021 20:20

I live in Eastern Europe. He honestly isn't as bad as some men I know over here but I think the subconscious will out. He does have a lot of issues and is reluctant to take ownership of them, happens to a lot of people I guess but I'm seriously questioning what's going to happen

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/07/2021 20:31

This is who he is. He is not going to change and will likely escalate further against you once your child is born. He is making you responsible for his faults and failings.

I would look into returning to the UK and before your baby arrives.

category12 · 26/07/2021 20:40

Maybe you'd be better off coming back to the UK before you have your baby? Unless where you are is somewhere you'd love to live even if you and he broke up.

billy1966 · 26/07/2021 21:33

As usual spot on advice from @Attilathemeerkat and @category12.

You are a very vulnerable woman and things are not looking good.

I would strongly suggest you return to the UK.

Original poster
oliverlouise342 · 27/07/2021 05:24

Unfortunately it's already too late to travel. I'll get DC born and take it from there.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 27/07/2021 05:30

Does he clean?

category12 · 27/07/2021 05:32

But once the baby is born, will you be able to leave the country with the baby if he doesn't give permission?

category12 · 27/07/2021 05:39

If you're in Eastern Europe, couldn't you potentially travel overland if you're past 36 weeks for flying? I know it seems a bit dramatic and radical to leave now, but once the baby is born, your options for leaving the country may be limited. Right now no-one can stop you.

SixesAndEights · 27/07/2021 09:28

@oliverlouise342

Unfortunately it's already too late to travel. I'll get DC born and take it from there.
He could stop you leavingvthe country with his child. Right now he can't.

Get a bus or train.

Passionfruitpizza · 27/07/2021 09:38

Your family is in another country.
You don't speak the language well.
You will be in a much worse situation if he escalates after the birth.
September is plenty of time to get back to the UK by coach, boat etc if you can't travel by plane.
I'd go now while he cannot stop you and your baby leaving.

Enough4me · 27/07/2021 09:44

OP, look at the overland travel options and only talk with your family or reliable friends about options. If you would feel safer in the UK walk away from work and him now while you are more mobile and the baby will not be subject to additional citizen laws.

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2021 09:45

Come back to the uk and leave him, the abuse will just get worse

spotcheck · 27/07/2021 09:48

Hmmm- him deflecting is not right.

However- neither is your inability to pick up after yourself ( you leave stuff on the floor and 'forget' about dishes?)

I'm confused- if your money is only for you, did you 'help him' at all when he was unemployed?

OP, it seems you and your husband are room mates rather than partners? I think 'abuse' is a wild leap, but certainly you have very different ideas of what a partnership is.

LittleRedPill · 27/07/2021 09:50

You must get back to the UK before the baby is born. He can prevent you leaving with his child once the baby is here. Think about that. You will be marooned in a country where you don’t speak the language well, with a man who doesn’t respect you, with no family of your own to turn to. This will be your reality until your child is 18.

If you were my daughter I would come and collect you and take you home. Tell your family what is going on and make a plan.

Karmalady · 27/07/2021 10:08

Sounds like a clash of cultures here. In some countries, women are viewed very differently to over here.

If you give birth there, you may have all sorts of problems, particularly with bringing the child home, and you will be at the mercy of him, his family, and friends.

If you have family/friend resources or support over here, I would find a way to get home as soon as possible.. Overland, if you need to, but I think some short hop European airlines allow pregnant women to travel quite late in the day.

Good luck.

LannieDuck · 27/07/2021 10:13

I always feel that (as long as a cleaner is affordable), the person who's against employing a cleaner should be picking up the lion's share of the housework.

Original poster
oliverlouise342 · 27/07/2021 10:46

I fully supported him when he was unemployed. He doesn't withold anything now that he has a job.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/07/2021 14:47

OP,

The advice is clear.

You are vulnerable.

Once you have that baby there, you will need his permission to travel with the baby.

That makes you very vulnerable.

Get back to the UK.
Have the baby here.
Givevthe baby YOUR name.
Apply for a passport in YOUR name.

Anything else, you are taking a chance with.

We can't be any clearer.

Help yourself while you can.

Good luck.

GothamGirl1970 · 27/07/2021 15:00

Train
Ferry
Bus

Whatever you must do. I don’t know Eastern Europe’s laws but once the baby is born you’re out of options. You’re suggesting you’re not fluent, the grandparents might “visit” and not bring the baby back, the father could block you, you don’t sound like you have anyone on your side. At this late date you need pampering not haranguing and you’re still working!

The only thing I do know about Eastern European law (3 countries and not family law) is that the legal processes I’ve supported friends through drag on years