Is he deflecting or am I at fault?

[oliverlouise342]

We are expecting our baby in September. On Sunday my husband started to give me the silent and angry treatment which has happened before. This usually happens when something has really stressed him out or when he has a stress about work, money etc.
Essentially he accused me of not being present, of not caring about our home or doing things there and being more focussed on work than our marriage. I think he's concerned that I will neglect the baby when they come along.

While it is true I am at best an unenthusiastic housewife (I clean once a week, often forget to do the dishes and sometimes just let things lie on the floor rather than picking them up) and as a freelancer don't feel able to turn work down, I also don't know to what extent he is deflecting. When he was unemployed he didn't complain about my work hours, also didn't keep the flat spotless and more to the point has just started a very stressful customer services job. I have noticed this tendency before when I have broached something I don't like he will start deflecting onto my faults until I just can't be bothered anymore. I also haven't been cooking lately because of the heat where we live.

I think he's also concerned about me because of my relationships with his family (nice people but while I am learning the local language I can't speak it well and they are very traditional and I don't have much in common with them) and my family (whom I love but haven't seen because they are in the UK and I'm not and while we love each other we are not as tight knit as many families). I also have a very British attitude to money (what you earn is yours) while where we live there is an expectation that spouses share. We have talked about these things in the past but I don't know how far he accepts it subconsciously.

Sorry to ramble on so much, it's rather fresh and I really would appreciate an outside perspective. thanks

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.
Sounds like he has sexist attitudes too.
You are legally v vulnerable after DC arrives.
Come back to the UK before then!

@oliverlouise342

I fully supported him when he was unemployed. He doesn't withold anything now that he has a job.

Do you? If what you earn is yours? Who earns more?

I think abuse is a leap, but it’s what happens on here

You should both do housework
You should both contribute financially according to your means
You should both pick your stuff up!

At least check out the legal position if the relationship fails and you no longer wish to stay in the country. Don't rely on him being generous and giving permission for you to leave. It seems like you're sleep-walking into being properly trapped.

It sounds like he expects you to be a little housewife and give up work when the baby arrives to me.

I don’t fully understand the money situation. Do you currently earn more than him, or have savings where he doesn’t?

On the house work, is he expecting you to be primarily in charge of all housework or is it more about picking up after yourself, doing the dishes from the lunches you eat alone as a freelancer working from home etc?

If it’s the former that’s seriously not on. You are both working! If it’s the latter, I still think he could have a bit of sympathy given you are heavily pregnant.

One thing I will say is if you’re expecting to be able to continue to work a lot of hours while being primary cater for your baby, that might not work out quite how you planned. They take a lot of time and energy, it’s not really a part time role.

I agree with others about your options potentially being more limited once you’ve had the baby, so if you do think he’s controlling etc (I find it quite hard to judge what’s actually going on from your initial post? It would be wise to get back to the U.K. as fast as you can.