What to do about wedding anniversary

[Justthinkingin]

If your spouse forgot your wedding anniversary last year, what would you do about this year? (Forgot in the sense that when you say 'Happy Anniversary' with a kiss, they say 'oh I'd forgotten about that', then no further mention of it at all).

I’d discuss it with them beforehand rather than playing silly games.

I don't want to play games.

I would do the same as I wouid every year.

A year is a bit long to hold a grudge, isn't it?

I'm not holding a grudge. Just wondered what anyone else would do.

If you want to celebrate it, remind him.

I'd probably say, our anniversary is coming up and I'd really like to do something special.

If there's something particular you'd like, for example a card or gift, let them know in good time .

If they have form for forgetting things that mean a lot to you, it probably needs a bigger discussion.

Ask him if he wants to celebrate it this year as he didn't last

We both forgot ours this year, we've said if either remembers next year then we will book something and go for a nice meal, if not then it's not a big deal. 10 years in and we've never really celebrated these things.

Neither my husband or I could remember the date of ours.....we had to look it up!!! Anniversary pah! If it matters to you then tell him in good time.

“What a year it’s been. It would be nice to celebrate our anniversary this year, have a nice meal out and do something special. Would you be OK to book a meal? Maybe that nice Italian place? Is there anything in particular you want as a present this year? Although I do have a few ideas for you. I was also thinking I might like a new handbag/lipstick/spa day/new boots which you could get for me if you’re struggling for ideas.”

@SleepingStandingUp

Ask him if he wants to celebrate it this year as he didn't last

That's a good idea, I like that.

“Shall we go out for dinner to celebrate our anniversary this year, darling? I’ve heard good things about the new Italian on the high street.”

What do you want from your anniversary? Had you bought a card and/or gift last year?

@NakedAttraction

What do you want from your anniversary? Had you bought a card and/or gift last year?

A recognition, that's all. Maybe to say something nice to me, and to spend a day out together? Not bothered about cards and we'd already decided no cards a few years ago.

If I wanted to celebrate it I’d say “what shall we do for our anniversary this year?”

In reality, DP forgot last year and it wasn’t a big deal. This year I forgot, and because I’d forgotten I’d actually already arranged an incredibly hilarious, given the situation, activity for the day, which we both had a good laugh over.

Is your marriage otherwise good? Does he show you he loves you daily, the rest of the time? Because if so, a date is just that, and easily forgotten. And if not, then what you need to work on is the relationship and where it’s going, not whether he remembered the anniversary or not.

I'd organise something nice for both of us . He is forgetful at times, so I figure that if an occasion is meaningful to me, it's sensible for me to do something about it instead of waiting for him to act. It works fine for me.

All sound points @ComtesseDeSpair

It was certainly out of character for him to forget that date after remembering for so many years.

DH and I have a conversation a few weeks in advance of our wedding anniversary. It goes something like this: shall we do something special for our anniversary this year? If yes we organise something. Shall we do presents this year? If yes we get presents. Shall we have cards this year? If yes we get cards.
We always agree to get cards, we sometimes agree to do something special. We rarely get presents.

TBH, I would be worried if it's out of character. Something like age-related memory problems? He's distracted by/worrying about something which means he forgets key dates?
If that is exactly what he said about forgetting then referring to a wedding anniversary as 'that' then I would be a little concerned that he's minimising the importance of the event.

I'd actually just do what I would normally do, but that if it happens again, or if he reacts uninterestedly, I would leave it a few days then broach the subject with him.
Personally, I would forgive the odd forgotten year out of many. The stresses of the pandemic might also played a part.

What's most strange is the quite flippant reaction, not that he should be apologetic per se but it might be nice for him to give you a hug and say "Sorry I forgot, let's sit down and have a proper dinner tonight" or whatever. If I had that response I wouldn't be so bothered.

But like other PPs we discuss in advance and usually just do a nice meal (out or in) and cute little cards (in which I get the exact same message every year! )

I agree that the flippant response is strange. Linguistically, it might imply that he had a lot of other things to remember. You wouldn't normally say 'I'd forgotten about that'. It is incongruous to use 'that' about a significant date. Try substituting it with a birthday - it doesn't sound right at all does it?
You would instead say something like @TrueRefuge states.
However, if you had formed a mental list of things to remember, then it would be linguistically normal to add 'that' to the statement, especially if that was the only thing you'd forgotten. Although linguistically normal, it would still imply that the wedding anniversary ranks equally with whatever else he had mentally marked as needing to remember.

@Justthinkingin
If you've both already decided that you're not even going to give each other cards then it sounds like he's assumed that the wedding anniversary date isn't a big deal (which is understandable).

It's like birthdays, some people want a big fuss made over them by others and feel resentful if they don't get it, whereas others are laid back and just take it more or less like any other day.

He's not a mind reader OP - suggest to him how you'd like to celebrate/recognise your anniversary this year and going forwards. It would be destructive game playing asking him what he wants to do for the anniversary but secretly seething if what he says is not what you want. Just be direct and discuss it like adults.

I've met my boyfriend online over a year ago. We fell in love very quickly and started a wonderful love story. He's been the best boyfriend I've ever had. Kind, passionate, always avaliable every day, caring and attentive to my son. He spends 2/3 nights and days at my house every week. He's at mine every weekend. He comes to my sons sport practice, walk hand in hand everywhere. I love him so much and he feels perfect for me.

The issue is : when I met him he told me he was divorced and he had been living with his mom since she got ill - 16 years ago.

He has one full time job and a part time second job.

At the beginning I thought it was a bit weird that he had been living with his mother for so many years, but I also thought it was probably out of love for her and thought it was sweet.

The issue is he's never invited me to their house. Over the past year, I've asked many times to go over and see where he lives, I express the desire to meet his family, but he always said that his mom is not well enough (she goes to the shops, dress and wash herself, she has a chronic condition but she's not terminal or anything)
Then he said he doesn't introduce his girlfriends to his mom cause she used to always criticise every woman he'd introduced, so he stopped.

He's shown me his house from outside, but still after me expressing in many ways that it's important for me to see where he lives and meet his family, he's never done any move towards it, and he became more and more irritated by me asking.
Last time I brought it up he told me that he will live with his mom till she dies, that he gave up all his free time to be with me, while his mom is always home alone.

I feel its unfair that I share my bed with him, my home, my family life, my friends, my everything with him, but he only shares himself, his free time, but he has me pocketed into a very confined space in his life.

He also always refused to add me on social media. Saying that it wasn't necessary for us to connect online.

I don't think he has a wife because he's always available, we travelled together and in a year he never disappeared once from me.

We haven't been in contact for the past two weeks since he stormed out of my house saying he'd had enough of this and he was done with the relationship because of my constant requests.
(visiting his home and meet his family)

What should I do?

:(

I can’t see any way it would happen. We both know when our anniversary is and will have a chat a court of weeks in advance to decide what we will do this year.