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Original poster

My ex puts his new gf children in boot of car

40 replies

Leannedunn123 · 26/07/2021 08:21

Hi everyone. I'm finding it hard to co parent with the father of our 2 children. We have a 4 and 6 year old. We have been separated 14 months.
For the first 13 months he has been picking and choosing whenever he wants to see his children, days, nights, weekends, couple of hours here and there. It got to the point I couldn't work and so we went to mediation.
We have had in place for the last 4 weeks an agreement where he picks them up on Friday morning, has then Friday and Saturday nights and I have them back at 5 on Sunday so I can work. CSA has now dropped from £77 to £55 which I was happy with as they get to see their dad but I have found out he has been leaving them with his girlfriend while he's at work and goes shopping to make up his money now he pays me less. He drops them off late also. The children sleep in his girlfriends bed while him and his girlfriend sleep on the air bed downstairs. My ex hasn't been taking them to their swimming lessons on a Sunday either even though I am paying for them.
His girlfriend has 2 children also so there is 6 of them altogether and they take it in turns to put 1 child in the boot of the car to not have to take 2 cars when they go out.
My children always come back with sore bottoms because they are embarrassed to ask for a bit of help with the toilet when need be so they sit in a mess on occasions. He doesn't read or do their homework and tbh I'm sick and tired of it. He promised the children would sleep at his mum's house where I know they are round the corner, local and safe but he has left them round his girlfriend again. I have told him I am cutting contact because he isn't spending time with them.
I messaged his mum and said if you would like to pop in and see them at any time you are welcome. But she has messaged back saying if you won't let my son see them then she doesn't want to see them. I was shocked.. any advice if anyone has experience something like this? Am I being unfair

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 26/07/2021 09:10

When it's his time with the kids, he can leave them with his girlfriend. That's not something you can control.

Report them to the police for not using seat belts, etc. And have you told him the kids are embarrassed to ask for help?

PositiveLife · 26/07/2021 09:13

Also, regarding the lack of homework - do your kids have a planner to fill in? I used to just write "At Dad's" at the top of the space for his days - if he filled it in, great, if not the school knew it was out of my control.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 26/07/2021 10:04

Have you told his mum about the safety and well-being concerns you have? Seat belts + hygiene. Unfortunately you can’t control whether he leaves the kids with his gf or not. But you are absolutely right to insist they always use seatbelts and carseats and that basic hygiene needs are met! Your ex MiL is likely to agree on those points, but not on you cutting contact as a way of addressing them. The not doing reading and homework is a pain, but it’s not the same level of risk to your children’s health.

LittleOldMe124 · 26/07/2021 10:05

He puts a child in the boot of the car? Wtf. I would not be happy with that- my own or someone elses kids

Dany165 · 26/07/2021 10:10

You need to respond to exMIL with a terse message about hygiene and seatbelts. I.e. ex has chosen not to prioritise their health and safety so I have no choice. If you want him to have contact then take it up with your son not me.

Original poster
Leannedunn123 · 26/07/2021 10:12

I have spoke to him about all of these issues and he says what he does when he has the kids is nothing to do with me and to stay out of it. My son is even coming back home with his girlfriends socks on because he won't buy him new socks. I said I would pay for all their uniform, book bags and new pe kits this year but asked him to buy them some good quality school shoes that won't rip easily and he said no because that's what he pays maintenance for. I literally may aswell do it all on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leannedunn123 · 26/07/2021 10:13

I have spoken to the MIL and all she says is I know he does it, it's really bad. Nothing more x

OP posts:
ClemDanFango · 26/07/2021 10:18

Stop contact and let him take you to court, he’s not meeting their needs, keeping them safe or caring for them adequately.

ODFOD21 · 26/07/2021 10:23

Um this is neglect, a category of ABUSE. You should not let him have the luvvy. You need sole custody.

ODFOD21 · 26/07/2021 10:24

Them bit the Hmm

ODFOD21 · 26/07/2021 10:29

I do apologise how shit my phone is for typing coherently

Original poster
Leannedunn123 · 26/07/2021 10:33

No worries thank you ☺️

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 26/07/2021 10:44

I would simply say that I am not facilitating contact until neglect and abuse isn't an issue.

FawnFrenchieMum · 26/07/2021 10:49

At 4&6 surely they can wipe their own bum? What do they do at school?
The car thing is unacceptable, I would report that but other then that, you can’t control who he sees or where they sleep when they are with their father.
Change the swimming lessons to your time during the week, he doesn’t sound like he is every going to be an extra curricular type of father.

Original poster
Leannedunn123 · 26/07/2021 10:56

Yes they can wipe their own bums but my son has a lot of tummy troubles and sometimes needs help as children do

OP posts:
Steakandcheeseplease · 26/07/2021 11:01

Honestly I'd stop the visits and let him take you to court where this behaviour can be discussed.

The boot shit is bad really bad and its shows that this man is willing to be reckless and irresponsible. No fucking way would I allow this to continue

I have a nearly five year old who doesnt wipe herself properly sometimes - it happens but they should be able to ask their dad for help. Why the hell can't he smell it?

Seasidemumma77 · 26/07/2021 11:08

@FawnFrenchieMum

At 4&6 surely they can wipe their own bum? What do they do at school? The car thing is unacceptable, I would report that but other then that, you can’t control who he sees or where they sleep when they are with their father. Change the swimming lessons to your time during the week, he doesn’t sound like he is every going to be an extra curricular type of father.
My thoughts exactly.

With regards to finances, on the rare times absent parent was made to make CMS payments, I accepted that was the only financial contribution other than him feeding children when they saw him. Some parents will choose to pay for additional costs but CMS calculate what they must pay.

MrsMiddleMother · 26/07/2021 11:27

If it was my kids I would 100% stop contact. It's the best thing for the kids. They are going to spend time and be looked after by their dad, NOT his fucking girlfriend. The fact there's no bed of their own, they take it in turns sitting in the boot and he refuses to buy necessities it is neglect and I would not be sending my kids.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 11:49

what he does when he has the kids is nothing to do with me and to stay out of it

It does if what hes doing is illegal & dangerous ... if I understand correctly he's travelling with children in the boot of a car unsecured by seat belts and not in booster seats???!!!

I'm not sure who best to go through to report that, maybe others could advise.

Report the toileting issue too.

Change or cancel the swimming lessons of he's not raking them abd wasting your money.

I wouldn't bother with his mother, who clearly doesn't know or doesn't care about all this. Family always sides with the dickhead son etc.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 11:49

*not taking them and wasting your money

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 11:50

@PositiveLife

Also, regarding the lack of homework - do your kids have a planner to fill in? I used to just write "At Dad's" at the top of the space for his days - if he filled it in, great, if not the school knew it was out of my control.
Good idea re the homework issue.
Justmeandme19 · 26/07/2021 14:14

I think you need to only worry about issues that put your children at risk. Unfortunately you can do very little about him not doing their homework also regarding the swimming, just move the day.

Putting a child in the boot how ever is illegal. Contact the police they can pull him over when the cameras recognise his registration plate.

Unless you have safeguarding conserns you can not dictate who he leaves them with or even where they stay.

Tell him in an email that it is unexceptable and against the law to put a child in the boot. Keep a diary of all your conserns and about what the children come back and say.

Tlollj · 26/07/2021 14:19

When you say the boot of the car, do you mean the actual boot? With the lid closed? Or is it an estate type?
I wouldn’t be happy with any of this. His time is to be spent with him not his girlfriend.

Original poster
Leannedunn123 · 26/07/2021 14:30

Yes the actual boot of the car with the lid closed. I understand I can't do much else about the rest but it still mounts up to him being a terrible father

OP posts:
chunderwunder · 26/07/2021 14:53

Travelling in the boot of a car is dangerous and illegal. Putting a child in there is abuse.

I wouldn't allow him to have unsupervised access ever again because of this.

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