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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He locked me out of the house!

60 replies

Sunnyday5 · 26/07/2021 07:34

Partner of 8 years locked me out as I was late home from work. I went in, put my bag down, went back outside to water the plants and he had locked the door. He opened the window and said he knew I'd been cheating on him and that I'd have to apologise to him before he let me...kids were there didn't want to make a scene, didn't have any of my things to go anywhere and was a bit confused - so I apologised (for nothing). I'm not overreacting by thinking this is odd am I?

OP posts:

Longdistance · 26/07/2021 09:44

Whose is the house. Are the dc yours, his or both yours?

me4real · 26/07/2021 09:44

Brr. He's controlling and deranged OP.

canigooutyet · 26/07/2021 09:50

Leave him. His behaviour and attitude towards you aren't going to change

Here's a link to the very useful Freedom Program

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

FilledSoda · 26/07/2021 09:54

The relationship is over . There is no future with a controlling possessive abuser, they can't change.
Whose house is it ?

JaneExotic · 26/07/2021 09:58

My husband did this to me, once. I was locked out when I came home from work and he was inside with our two DCs under three.
He told me I needed to apologise for being a ‘bad mummy’ before he would let me come in.

MotionActivatedDog · 26/07/2021 09:59

@JaneExotic

My husband did this to me, once. I was locked out when I came home from work and he was inside with our two DCs under three. He told me I needed to apologise for being a ‘bad mummy’ before he would let me come in.

And you left him, yes?

catfunk · 26/07/2021 10:02

He's abusing you op. Get yourself and your kids away from him ASAP.

JaneExotic · 26/07/2021 10:13

@MotionActivatedDog
Too bloody right.
Got back in the car, drove to family. Never set foot in his house again.
Saw a solicitor two days later regarding the DC and bought my own house within a week.
He soon begged me to come back as he ‘didn’t mean it’. Fucker.

knittingaddict · 26/07/2021 10:14

@fedup078

There must be more to this story

Agree with this. It ALL sounds very odd.

What he did was odd (although in the context of men who cheat themselves and project, not all that rare), but your reaction and the way you describe it in your post is also odd op.

You just got on with the housework and he's said things like this before? All very odd.

MotionActivatedDog · 26/07/2021 10:15

[quote JaneExotic]@MotionActivatedDog
Too bloody right.
Got back in the car, drove to family. Never set foot in his house again.
Saw a solicitor two days later regarding the DC and bought my own house within a week.
He soon begged me to come back as he ‘didn’t mean it’. Fucker.[/quote]
Bloody well done!!!

@Sunnyday5 talk to this woman^^

TiredButDancing · 26/07/2021 10:33

So, to summarise, for a long time he got to do whatever he wanted while you ran around doing everything for him. He was "nice" in this context in that he didn't do things like shout at you or interrogate you or lock you out (but he wasn't "nice" because he didn't engage with you or treat you like a partner). Then you stopped doing all the running around and facilitating and now he has decided to ramp up the abuse and control.

I can only assume this has been going on for a very long time because the vast majority of us would consider being locked out of our house and being made to apologise for cheating simply because we were a few minutes late home to be so completely off the scale unacceptable. The fact that you're not even sure suggests you've been experiencing constant lower levels of control and abuse for such a long time you haven't even noticed it.

I know it's easy for us to say LTB. But really, you need to think about whether this is in any way sustainable? What happens when you're stuck in traffic - is he going to ramp up to violence because you weren't home? what about when he starts using your children against you or refusing to let you see/help them? I don't see this ending well, I'm sorry.

pointythings · 26/07/2021 10:40

OP, have a word with JaneExotic and follow in her footsteps. This is controlling and abusive.

Original poster

Sunnyday5 · 26/07/2021 11:06

I can't stand up to him as previously he pinned me up against the wall by my neck...he didn't hurt me it was just a shock. He was drunk. Never spoken about it. Now all this crazy chasing me up on things. You are all right and I think I've let far too much slip through the cracks and now need to face up to it. Thanks all.

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 26/07/2021 11:10

@Sunnyday5

What do you need in order to leave? Do you need advice on where you stand legally with the house? The children? There are so many people here who have a wealth of experience and advice. Ask and people will be able to talk you through this.

IAmNotAClownfish · 26/07/2021 11:18

Jesus, if he's pinning you against a wall he's dangerous and you need to leave.
Have you got anyone you could ask for help and a safe place to go?

RB68 · 26/07/2021 11:24

SO physically and mentally abusive - really do you need to know any more than that.

SixesAndEights · 26/07/2021 11:26

@Sunnyday5

You need to leave, once he has grabbed you by the neck you're statistically in danger of serious harm or being murdered.

leakymcleakleak · 26/07/2021 11:28

OP you are in more risk of being murdered by a partner who has once put his hands around your neck than one who has been severely physically violent every day for years. I'm sorry if that's stark, but what you're describing is terrifying. I think you need to call women's aid, and talk about what is happening. What is the legal situation with your home? Honestly, you're in the territory of needing support and advise from professionals about the safest way to end this relationship. His violence and paranoia is escalating.

FilledSoda · 26/07/2021 12:13

Do not give him a heads up. You don't owe him an explanation.
Actually preparing to leave and leaving is the most dangerous time.
Get onto women's aid for support today .
I'm so sorry you're going through this . Everything will be much clearer on the other side .

Dillydollydingdong · 26/07/2021 12:19

I think there's something wrong in his head. He's dangerous. You need to get out now before he hurts you badly.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 12:25

A man who's paranoid about you cheating on him (without reason) and who's violently assaulted you in the past is not a good bet for staying with.

This is unlikely to get better and likely to get worse.

Read "why does he do that" by lindy Bancroft , free online, and the freedom course. You could do with speaking to women's aid.

FAQs · 26/07/2021 12:32

Jesus you need to leave! Are the kids there full time?

Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 12:35

Face up to it by getting out asap op. Or getting him out preferably... but take no risks. He is unhinged and dangerous. You could report his attack where he pinned you by the neck to the police btw. And probably should, just so that they have record of it.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/07/2021 12:37

Each update gets worse and worse. You are in a MASSIVELY abusive relationship. You need to leave. Quickly.

BobLemon · 26/07/2021 12:57

Fucking hell. Asking if it’s odd to lock you out the house, then drip feeding that he’s assaulted you.

The only odd thing is that you are still with him.

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