Partner doesn’t want to get married

[Kay1908]

So my partner has said he doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want to get married, he knew I want to eventually but I also don’t want to book my wedding anytime soon.

We’ve been together 4 years this September.

Whenever the topic of rings came up, as in if we walked passed a jewellers and I said I’d love something like this he’d always so “one day” but has now said doesn’t want to marry.

We have a 9 month old and I feel so conflicted.
We haven’t had sex since baby was conceived! (As he didn’t like the thought of having sex whilst I was pregnant) so I’m in a sexless relationship and I don’t even have a ring.

We bought a house together less than a month ago and have ordered furniture but feel this was a mistake! Has anyone else gone through this I’m so upset I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like I can be with him in a sexless relationship and no long term commitment in sight..:

Loads of people are in similar situations. You’ve got two deal breakers, the sexless thing and marriage. Are both big enough to make you want to end it? If so then you should.

Does your baby his last name? Do you both equally own the house? Are you either at work or going back to work soon?

It’s not clear if he’s led you on and never wanted marriage or if he’s changed his mind.

The time to discuss these big issues and make sure you were on the same page was before having a child or buying a house. But if you’re unhappy you can still end things, sell the house or one buy the other out, coparent as amicably as you can and you can claim maintenance if he works and you have more than have of the time with your baby - which would be normal as she’s so young.

So what's the reason for no sex the last 6 months or so?

Well, if marriage is a dealbreaker for you then you need to split up and disentangle financially.

If you intend to stay, I hope you're not a sahm or taking all the hit to your worklife of having a child together.

Why would he need to marry you when you’ve already provided a baby and finance towards a house now. That’s normally the real reason people don’t have kids until their married, not because it’s old fashioned.

Are you going back to work after maternity leave? You should think a little about your financial security.

Forgetting the lack of a commitment to marry for a moment.... do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Do you love him, know that he loves you, feel supported, trust him completely, share the workload 50/50, know he has your back whatever and vice versa?

If it's not a resounding 'yes' (and I'm not sure it will be from your op) then I think you're focussing on the wrong thing and perhaps you shouldn't be together at all.

If everything is wonderful then you have to decide if it's a deadlbreaker for you. I personally couldn't be with someone who wouldn't commit to me. And marriage just makes sense when you have DC - for all the reasons discussed on here reguarly. If he doesn't care for those reasons, or care about your feelings, then I think that tells you what you need to know...

I hope you haven’t given up your job and financial security for this charmer?

Are you planning on going back to work? Do you own the house? How financially vulnerable are you not being married as that’s often the problem.

Why doesn’t he ‘believe’ in marriage? You aren’t protected currently.

Sorry I have a few questions.

1. Did he lead you up the garden path over this before you conceived? It was a mistake to have a baby with a man who wasn't prepared to marry you.
2. What is his excuse for no sex since baby came?
3. Why have you committed to a mortgage with a man who wont marry you and doesn't seem to want a sex life?

I can't fathom what he is up to either. Why did he buy the house with you, because I really dont think hes committed.

Sort of similar here except DP gave up his job to look after DS when my mat leave ended. I am the breadwinner. It's his house but I could leave anytime and take DS with me, who has my last name.

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? I've accepted I'd rather be with him than not. I have financial independence albeit no property. Not ideal but not a disaster.

Also not sexless relationship.

I think you need to have a conversation with him OP.

Op - The thing that strikes me about your post is that you refer to it as "my wedding" rather than "our wedding". I just wondered if there was some relevance in that, or if it was just a slip?

I’m sorry for being blunt OP why do you want a marriage with this man?

Well he has got you where he wants you hasnt he?

Sympathy as this must be a horrible shock.

Whatever you do about the relationship, make sure you go back to work full time even if it means breaking even or a small loss while your child is small.

Do you actually want to marry him when he is behaving like this and causing you some much distress?

Is this the man you actually want to marry op?

Please tell us that you've given your child your last name.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=DXLZXkwMN3o

Good example of phoebe holding her boundary unapologetically around marriage.

I've been with my partner 6 years and we have 2 dcs and on a 50/50 mortgage together. The children have his last name but I am working part time so in theory have half of the house and somewhat of an income. This is why I decided to get a new job after maternity leave as I didn't want to rely on him for income.

We're engaged but just haven't got around to marriage. Neither of us really want the fuss . Now the eldest is starting school we may look at it just for the same name tbh.

What is his excuse for no sex since baby came

I waited until my partner said she was ready before we started again

Having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than marriage, because you can't undo it. If marriage was a dealbreaker for you, the time to have that out with him was before having a child. And also before buying a house with him, though that's easier to get out of.

That doesn't mean you owe it to him to stay in a relationship where you aren't happy. But if you think getting married would make you happier in the relationship, I think you should try to realistically evaluate what you think marriage will change, and why you think that. Whatever you come up with there, it's probably not true. Being married to you won't make him want to have sex with you if he doesn't already. Whatever reasons he had for not wanting to marry you in the first place will still be there, coupled with resentment at being guilted and ultimatumed into a marriage he didn't really want.

There are so many threads like this. Why choose to have kids before marriage of marriage is a dealbreaker for you? I just don't get it.

You need to give him an ultimatum about the marriage situation. The sexless thing is a whole other issue.

Don't use your child as an excuse for existing in a shit relationship. Life's too short, seriously.

I never understand why women do this time and time again.

Don’t be tempted to ttc again.
Make sure you do not damage yourself more than necessarily financially by going part time or taking on more than half of the parental time off.
Book some counselling to see if this is salvageable.

As PP said, I think these two things are separate.

So first, is the marriage thing a deal breaker? Because it’s fine for that to be the case, you are entitled to want to get married. The house can be sold, your child can split its time between you both, you don’t have to stay. There may be someone better suited for you who will want to marry. If you’re looking for “permission” for that it’s a totally valid option. Relationship counselling may be useful to discuss how you both feel about this.

The sexlessness is a different thing: why haven’t you done it in the 9m since the baby has been born? Would your partner be up for sex therapy, this may be a good way to sort this.

Answer these questions individually. Talk to your partner either just you two or with the help of a professional. Good luck.

legal differences between being married and boyfriend+girlfriend
Hope you’ve kept your job, got protections in place re. the mortgage, and kid has your surname. You don’t have to settle for a disinterested housemate, aim for better next time.

‘Having a child is a bigger commitment than marriage’ 😂 nope. Having a child is a commitment to that kid only. Marriage is a legally binding contract between two adults. Too many women fall for that nonsense cliche and then act shocked when they have nowhere to live when their boyfriend dumps them, and have no pension, no career prospects after discarding her job to raise a kid for a man who ‘doesn’t believe in’ ‘just a piece of paper’ ‘our kid is more of a commitment’.

@NowEvenBetter

‘Having a child is a bigger commitment than marriage’ 😂 nope. Having a child is a commitment to that kid only. Marriage is a legally binding contract between two adults. Too many women fall for that nonsense cliche and then act shocked when they have nowhere to live when their boyfriend dumps them, and have no pension, no career prospects after discarding her job to raise a kid for a man who ‘doesn’t believe in’ ‘just a piece of paper’ ‘our kid is more of a commitment’.

Marriage is a legally binding contract that can be terminated by divorce when either party wishes. Yes, depending on the circumstances, there might be some lasting financial obligations (though often not if they don't have children). But even then, there's no obligation to maintain any sort of personal relationship, or to ever see or talk to the person again if you don't want to. That's not how it works when you have a child. That confers an obligation to civilly interact with your ex, if possible, at least occasionally for the remainder of both your lives. Depending on how involved both parents remain, they'll have to make a lot of contentious parenting decisions together, regardless of what they think of each other personally. YMMV, but to me, that's way more of a commitment than just writing a check.

My point wasn't that women should feel financially secure having children without marriage - that's a personal decision depending on individual circumstances. It was that women (or men) who don't feel comfortable living without the security they believe marriage provides shouldn't intentionally have children with someone unwilling to marry them first. When the man who didn't want to marry her before she had his baby still doesn't want to marry her afterwards (shocker!), she just ends up in a worse position than she was before, because there's no way to make a complete break.

I also think it's pretty questionable to intentionally bring children into a relationship with a huge looming instability that hasn't been resolved. I'm not saying it's wrong to have children outside of marriage, and I don't think that it is. I'm saying that a mindset of "He doesn't want marriage now? Oh, well, I'll just go ahead and have a baby. If he doesn't change his mind in a few years, I'll leave then" just seems wrong to me. I don't understand why so many women do this to themselves, then cry about such obvious consequences.