Please tell me it gets better

[Tiredtiredtired31]

I don’t really know what I am hoping for here. Hopefully someone to tell me that this pain will get easier or less. I have lost count of the times iv tried to break free of this relationship. 10 years. 2 dc. You name it it has been done cheating, lying, stealing, substance and alcohol abuse, putting those things before important family occasions, violence, smashing up the house. The list goes on. He’s been arrested again for shouting and going crazy at my house. I know I need to break free of him I have no idea why I feel like I don’t deserve better than this for a life. I even feel sick with guilt for him being now kept away from his children again. I know it isn’t normal and that he doesn’t deserve my pity or guilt. Please tell it will get better. Right now I feel like a failure of a partner, mother, everything. Feel like I am not enough for my children on my own and don’t know where to turn.

Have you had help ? Women’s Aid?

Surely it will only get better if you cut him out ? Whose house do you live in ?

Do the Freedom Programme with woman's aid.

Read up on codependency.

Women's Aid, I think, assuming you are in the UK.
Your local council should have a domestic violence unit.
Look online for any local support groups.

You know you need to break free. What you don't know yet that when you're free, although sometimes it's scary and you can't always do everything you want to do, you will feel better.

My own house. We previously lived together but I got my own house due to numerous attempts to end the relationship. I spoke to womans aid. They are going to check in on me in a few weeks from now.

Is. What you don't know yet is. Sorry about that!

It won't get better until you leave him.

You will be enough for your children.

Contact Women's Aid or another charity. Seek counselling to help you work through your feelings - lots of charities will offer free counselling, as should your GP, though there is a wait.

It does get better but you will spend time at rock bottom beforehand.
Have you left him or thrown him out or will there be bail conditions? You do need some time with no contact to get your shit together, the guilt will last until you start to be more accepting of the reality.

He has done this to you and your kids.
He has taken himself away from you all.
He and only he is responsible for any unpleasant consequences of his actions.

It is really hard but you need to make choices that you don't want to make to protect you all from him. Despite how you feel about him.

It does get easier but not while you're still in the relationship.

You never know how strong/capable/resilient you are until you find yourself alone and rebuilding yourself.

I have backed myself in to a corner where I am shamed to discuss anything with any family or friends now. Assume they won’t what to hear it after the countless times iv tried to break free. It feels like a lonely place to be. Very sick constantly with this guilty feeling and so tired. Assume there will be bail conditions. Glad i have dc to keep me going but feel like am just going through the motions to get through the day at moment.

I know exactly how you feel. I am too ashamed to talk about my partner with friends after they have heard how he is and I am still with him. It is unbelievably lonely and difficult to have no-one you feel able to talk to and to have to carry it all, all the guilt and shame and the pain, by yourself.

You have to convince yourself the only way to change this is to change it.

When you're isolated these men can seem like a safe place because they seem to be on your side when everyone else doesn't seem to be.

That's very rarely the case but you have to take a leap of faith regardless.

It is lonely, you will have to fight the urge to apologise and make up. It is hard. You will miss him like fuck and want him to make you feel better. THIS IS NORMAL.

Nothing will change if you don't make changes but many women have had to do it and we all felt as shitty as you do. There's no shame in it.

after the countless times iv tried to break free

I read it takes on average seven attempts for a woman to leave ab abusive man.

The number of attempts it takes is the number of attempts it takes, the important thing is that you get rid of him.

A lot of people do not understand the above, but they'll come around when they see your out for good in.time. And some may be more understanding than you think.

Why do you feel guilty? You're doing thebinlybthing you can to.proyext your kidsfrom has behaviour . The older they get, the more they'll be aware of.

And he's responsible for his own behaviour, not anyone else- despite the lines these guys slways try to use to.concinxe people they are.

Oh and you.are enough for your kids. A stable one parent family is better than an unstable chaotic two parent one. There are millions of one parent, mostly single mum families abd they do just fine.

I know I come across as strong independent (his behaviour aside) to most people so I know they probably wouldn’t think of me like this. I didn’t feel strong enough to go through with the court case last time and was made to feel like I had wasted time. that was never my intention despite how it might come accross it was a very upsetting situation and I suffered a great deal of anxiety over it. now I feel sick at the thought of now this all happening again and me having to stand up in that scenario again.

but feel like am just going through the motions to get through the day at moment.

You will for a while but in time you'll feel.happier and happier.

Can you do something different with the kids to distract yourself and have some quality family time together? Anything younepuldbt normally do.

I didn’t feel strong enough to go through with the court case last time and was made to feel like I had wasted time. that was never my intention despite how it might come accross it was a very upsetting situation and I suffered a great deal of anxiety over it. now I feel sick at the thought of now this all happening again and me having to stand up in that scenario again.

What was the court case for and what would it be for now?

You don't have to do anything, unless it's to stop.him from getting unsupervised access to the kids (?)

Men like this do t usually keep up access regularly or at all.

The thing is how is this impacted your children? If it does impact them badly, at some point social services will start giving you ultimatums (leave the relationship, or her straightens up, or they'll have to engage the children in some way) which could ultimately mean you risk losing the children if you stay with him.

You are important too, but you can make up your own mind about where you want to be, the children can't, so put them first before the state deems you Cann't and they step in.

Before it was in relation to a domestic type offence. Shouting, aggressive behaviour. In the witness waiting area there were friends of his and the whole situation was very intimidating me. This time I believe it’s a breach of the peace due to shouting and aggressive behaviour again. I don’t want to stop him seeing dc he’s their dad and loves them. It’s a hard situation though due to his lifestyle and the circumstances as to how that will happen. This is often why iv ended up drawn back in feeling like it’s easier for me to facilitate the access to dc for him as then I can supervise and then end up listening to the promises to change etc

Have you had any counselling, OP? It would really help to explore what's going on with someone who won't judge you, is interested in how you're feeling and what has led to you being so attached to this man, and can help you unpick your feelings and build up your confidence for a life without him. Relationships can be like addictions, there's something keeping you hooked and a counsellor can help you work out what it is and how to get free.

I was planning to try call gp on Monday again just put off by all the Shame

If you feel sick at the thought of keeping him away from his children, consider two things - 1. the guilt you'll feel when (WHEN) they see something that will stay with them for life and shape their own relationships, 2. don't own his actions, they aren't yours to own, they're his. He acted in whatever way he did to end in his arrest - that wasn't you, you aren't responsible.

I don’t want to stop him seeing dc he’s their dad and loves them.

This is not love, op. It really isn't. You need to protect your dc from this violent abusive man.

What's your current situation? You live in your own place, where does he stay? How often does he see the dc, and where? Have they witnessed any of the violence, abuse or intimidation?

Are school aware of the situation at home? I know schools are closed for summer but if you email them, someone should be able to call you within a couple of days, they will have lots of advice and potential support.

As pp said above, it takes on average 7 attempts to leave. Please look after yourself x

Hi op, how difficult it all sounds. If I could offer one bit of advice for your whole life it would be this...What you feel and what you do are not the same things. What you feel should have very little impact on what you do. So you feel afraid to press charges, shame - you need to decide to do it anyway. You feel guilty he can't see his children, no worries you decide he can't because that is the right thing to do. You feel you are not enough for the children, sod that because you KNOW that you are. You do sound a bit bound up by your feelings. Maybe try accepting but not relying on feelings and using your own sense, the law, the good advice of others to inform your choices. You know what you have to do and in the words of Nike - just do it! It will feel hard. Do it anyway.

As little as 3 weeks ago he was sleeping with another woman so I don’t know why I feel this ridiculous hold towards him. He has his own house but according to him it is unsafe for him now to stay there and is quite a distance away, stupidly I fell for the lines about him staying here again until he got suitable housing for himself. Again started to come and go as he pleased staying out nights turning off phone hence why I found about the ow again a few weeks ago. Youngest is only a baby but oldest dc has seen him be aggressive on a number of occasions I am ashamed to say

You have to consider what impact this is having on the children, you're showing them how relationships work. If you don't get out of this cycle your children belive this is normal.
I'm suprised you haven't had a visit from social services yet.
I understand a lot of what your saying as I have also been in an abusive relationship and also found it very hard to let go. But you totally have to regardless of the guilt etc etc. You owe it to yourself but mostof all your children. It feels very overwhelming but the fact that your not living together makes it a lot easier.