How to be happy single? (Codependency)

[hellotesting123123]

Im only a few weeks out of a quite destructive relationship and really struggling not to get back on the dating apps.

I know I have a pattern of jumping from one thing to the next and that I need to get to know myself more, but I really struggle with feelings of loneliness and anxiety about being 37 and missing the boat on children etc.

I keep thinking of myself as a desperate, sad codependent who has no self identity, which I don't think is entirely true. I have a thriving career, nice friends, a house I bought myself, some interests which I definitely want to nurture more as they got pushed to the side during lockdown / distracted by mad dating over the past few years.

I feel I sometimes stay in things for too long because I'm frightened of being lonely and it gets worse as I get older.

On the other hand I have ended a fair few of my relationships after realising they're not right so perhaps I'm not entirely desperate?

Anyway tips on being happy single, and also how I can manage this anxiety about getting older would be great.

And do I really need to stop dating to work on my codependence? It would just be so fun to go on one a week...

I dont have the kind of support network that would baby sit lots unfortunately so would need to look at how I could afford childcare. It's possible I think

Can you focus on building this? Paid care is always an option, still, but if you are actively working on building a support network, you are actively taking steps as a mother, before you have your child. You'll also be meeting new people with similar interests to you, going to places you don't usually go to... it's a big new project to take on, which is just what you need.

I think the word codependency is thrown around too easily these days. It isn't codependent to want someone to share your life with! We are not wired to be alone all the time. I'm really independent - have lived alone for years, holiday alone, always taking myself out for coffee or cinema alone - but I do have a partner I see once a week, as currently suits me. If we break up, I'll definitely look for another, because I want someone to potentially go for weekends away with, cuddle up with sometimes to watch a film, have some emotional support without always burdening my friends and family, who have their own partners as their main priority. Don't fall into the trap of believing you're desperate because you'd like some company and affection and love. It's normal.

@dabbydeedoo

I think the word codependency is thrown around too easily these days. It isn't codependent to want someone to share your life with! We are not wired to be alone all the time. I'm really independent - have lived alone for years, holiday alone, always taking myself out for coffee or cinema alone - but I do have a partner I see once a week, as currently suits me. If we break up, I'll definitely look for another, because I want someone to potentially go for weekends away with, cuddle up with sometimes to watch a film, have some emotional support without always burdening my friends and family, who have their own partners as their main priority. Don't fall into the trap of believing you're desperate because you'd like some company and affection and love. It's normal.

@dabbydeedoo

You're right there's nothing wrong with wanting affection/attention/care/to be physically intimate. The issue is if you want these things AND the relationship 'escalator' to cohabit/get married/have children all in a very quick succession because of time pressure to have children when in your late 30s, it is most likely going to be a tall order.

I'm a single mother by choice to be and your arrangement of having a partner (seeing them once a week)/spending weekends with someone/emotional support sounds much more achievable now that I've sorted out the child issue (this is essentially what men on OLD were offering me before I'd done ivf with a sperm donor. By removing the pressure from finding a partner for this aspect in life (in my case having a child with someone), the prospect of dating has become a lot easier to stomach. I'm not reliant on a man to have a child with, whereas Op I believe isn't keen to go down the smbc route...

@Musttryharder2021 I do know quite a few people who have achieved it, though.

I feel like women are almost shamed for trying to find someone by some people, with all of the 'you need to learn to be happy alone' stuff. Why? I'm always much happier when I have a partner in my life. It doesn't mean I'll crumble to pieces when single or I don't enjoy my own company, but I feel like my life is fuller and nicer with someone else in it. OP sounds the same - she's successful, financially stable, got her own stuff going on. I don't think she should use the word codependent to describe herself. It's doing her a disservice IMO.

[quote dabbydeedoo]@Musttryharder2021 I do know quite a few people who have achieved it, though.

I feel like women are almost shamed for trying to find someone by some people, with all of the 'you need to learn to be happy alone' stuff. Why? I'm always much happier when I have a partner in my life. It doesn't mean I'll crumble to pieces when single or I don't enjoy my own company, but I feel like my life is fuller and nicer with someone else in it. OP sounds the same - she's successful, financially stable, got her own stuff going on. I don't think she should use the word codependent to describe herself. It's doing her a disservice IMO.[/quote]
@dabbydeedoo

Did you already have children prior to meeting your current partner ? Trying to meet someone (with a view of definitive outcome such as marriage and children) is much more pressurizing than finding someone to meet up with once a week. Yes it's possible but not necessarily guaranteed that she'd met someone in time who fulfills all of the criteria.

I agreed about incorrectly using the word co dependency though.

@Musttryharder2021 No, I don't have children. I would also like to find someone for marriage and possibly (but probably not) children, but I don't think I'm going to achieve it with my current partner, and I'll be in OP's exact position if I leave and look elsewhere. I don't understand what this has to do with her attitude. She sounds like a normal woman who just wants to find someone to share her life with to me. Not desperate, codependent or any of the other labels she's given herself which probably come from reading such things about 30-something single women.

@dabbydeedoo

Her attitude to do with having a family is being reliant on a man to achieve a family and if she doesn't meet him in time, she runs the risk of missing out on family because she isn't considering other alternatives.

Op is normal, I never said she isn't or that she is desperate.

I take pleasure in;
Cooking what I want & eating healthily
No pressure to drink alcohol when I don't want to.
The bed to myself
No sneering at what I watch on tv.
No grumbling about the time I spend with ds
Fewer things getting broken.

I've invested time and energy in Parkrun, in my karate friends, redecorating my house, helping more with home work.
I have a contented son, I'm much less stressed. I am more solvent. Life is good.

I'm not sure I want another partner 🤔