How to be happy single? (Codependency)

[hellotesting123123]

Im only a few weeks out of a quite destructive relationship and really struggling not to get back on the dating apps.

I know I have a pattern of jumping from one thing to the next and that I need to get to know myself more, but I really struggle with feelings of loneliness and anxiety about being 37 and missing the boat on children etc.

I keep thinking of myself as a desperate, sad codependent who has no self identity, which I don't think is entirely true. I have a thriving career, nice friends, a house I bought myself, some interests which I definitely want to nurture more as they got pushed to the side during lockdown / distracted by mad dating over the past few years.

I feel I sometimes stay in things for too long because I'm frightened of being lonely and it gets worse as I get older.

On the other hand I have ended a fair few of my relationships after realising they're not right so perhaps I'm not entirely desperate?

Anyway tips on being happy single, and also how I can manage this anxiety about getting older would be great.

And do I really need to stop dating to work on my codependence? It would just be so fun to go on one a week...

So you can draw a line but you wait until you're certain certain certain and could back up your decision in a court of law. But your intuition told you months before you took action? Trust your gut.

Have you read Catherine Gray's book about the joy of being single?
I recommend it. I've watched hours and hours and hours of videos on youtube and I just prefer to be on my own now, it's easier. I've had so many bad relationships. Have listened to a lot of Lisa A Romano, Dr Ramani, Meredith Miller, Alan Robarge, many more!

I think some of the fears we have (and I count myself in this group) are entirely normal for single women who are getting older.

Society is structured for couples. Single men are sometimes asked along but rarely single women. I worry that I'm perceived quite unconsciously to be low status. I know I've been targeted by a cover scapegoating narcissist who tried to eject me out of a group. So I think in our society, there can be a sort of protection or status to having just somebody

So like you say, it's not all about 'us' being co-dependent, it's also all about society's assumptions about single women and the way single women don't tend to be included as much or if they're perceived to be lonely.

Single women are braver than married women because they have to be and I think married women quite often don't realise how much of their status that they take completely for granted comes from being one half of a couple.

It's entirely natural and normal ot be conscious of these nuances in society imo

You've hit the nail on the head @PearlFriday!

I feel like I spend half of my life reading relationship/ being single self help stuff, listening to YouTube videos etc and tbh I think for me it's part of a wider pattern of being totally overfocused on relationships. I know every theory there is about attachment patterns, codependency etc but I'm not sure it helps very much when I'm not giving myself a break to just be me, without thinking and obsessing about relationships. Does that make sense?

I just keep feeling ashamed of being alone. I don't know where this comes from.

That's such a good point about society. I hate it but it's true. When I'm coupled I feel accepted and validated. Well, apart from the embarrassment at having yet another boyfriend my friends are keen to meet :)

(To be fair they haven't met hardly any at all, I give it a long time now as things so often go wrong)

Bump

I'm one week in and I think I'm just going to give up on relationships for now. Sometime for me to just get used to being on my own. I'm going to take up running, gym, reading, time making new friends and just getting to know myself again. I have the odd day where I feel like shit and don't do anything then get back to it. The only way is forward. I like to think I'm just too good for my ex's
Can you look into having children alone? Even freezing your eggs? Just make a plan without a man there? I'm a single parent and my kids don't see their dad at all, I love having mine alone I think it's better sometimes

Been there and I’m out the other side. Also 37 and recently got into the best relationship of my life after being with a narc for years.

I found the best thing for me was a project. I did up my bathroom & then signed up to a bunch of general workshops, not romantic based but about life in general. Podcasts helped… again, nothing romantic! More true crime, documentaries etc.

There is more to life that an relationship but I know when you’re in the storm it doesn’t feel that way.

To stay off the apps, promise yourself you’ll stay off for 3 months to start. (I was completely off the dating/romantic scene for 10 months) See it as a form of self care.

You can do it! Break the cycle!

I agree, it's self care. Work your way through a few self acceptance and self compasdion audio books (kirsten neff, chris germer)

Thanks everyone!

Podcast recommendations would be fab... thanks for the names of the authors @pearlfriday, will check them out. @thepurplepalace what true crime / documentaries would you recommend? I'm rubbish at finding things I like so always up for hearing favourites!

I struggle with this too. I've been single nearly two years now and tried OLD, its scarred me for life. I do however feel that friends and colleagues are starting to pity me a bit, I front it out and pretend I don't want to meet anyone, but I also spend a lot of time thinking about meeting someone who genuinely liked me back and how that would feel. I've been focusing on my fitness and trying to accept my singledom but I'm not sure if I'm truly content, I still feel a yearning.

It seems like age 35-39 is a really tough time to be single. The clock-ticking is just so loud.

I am not a relationship person. I was not raised to be in a relationship. It never dawned on me to be one-half of relationship. It wasn't until decades later (I'm late 50s) that I realized what happened. I have no problem being single.

It does get easier as you get older, but don't give up. Don't give up on the Dating Apps. Just stay very focused and cut out the bad ones as soon as the first red flag shows up. Scratch Red Flag Dude Du Jour off the list and don't give that one another thought. Then, just keep going. Ruthlessly - because it's a numbers game. Don't over invest too soon. Skirt the top.

Can you just start doing more of the stuff you enjoy and find joy in, rather than thinking about how to be single / how not to be single / about dating? Life has so much more to offer than coupling up

And/or look into egg freezing or solo parenting if you want children.

I'm 35 and seven years single, childfree by choice and cannot see me ever wanting a relationship again - I'm so much happier on my own, much like BringOn. And there's so much out there I want to do and experience and try and create, and absolutely none of it involves being in a couple, sex or fannying about with men's egos, in laws, or any of the pesty bits

The issue with being in a relationship is that there is always a degree of compromise and you can never truly guarantee that the relationship will last.

With regards to having a family, are you the poster who's already mentioned that you froze your eggs at 35? Although this is a very good preventive measure, I think you also need to decide at which point do you simply decide that you will take back control and do it alone: do you have a cut off date to stop dating if you don't meet anyone? Do you want to be pregnant and giving birth at any age? I had IVF back in Feb this year, being in a somewhat 2 year volatile relationship prior with someone who wasn't at the same life stage as me. We got on brilliantly and there was/is a lot of love there, but I couldn't and didn't want to wait any longer. I was getting impatient with the whole situation. I was also getting bored with the way my life was: I probably also would have gone back on the apps, rinse and repeat looking for a partner to have a family with if I hadn't decided to start treatment, it was all getting very boring and exhausting and I wanted my life to be different this time next year, I wanted to take back agency of having a family. I was extremely lucky, IVF worked first time (I have a blocked fallopian tube) and I also have several embryos in the freezer. I do feel sad that I wasted/spent 20 years trying to date (I was even married at one point) for it all to come to this. I do not regret my choice of going at it alone now, I at least haven't missed out on motherhood completely which I was very scares about.

I'm not opposed to romantic relationships, in fact, I do intend on trying dating again once I've settled in to motherhood etc. and to be honest I'm excited at the prospect of dating without being on the stressful, anxiety-inducing 'relationship escalator' treadmill. I genuinely would like to just date and see where it goes! Just like it was when I was in my 20s! For me, the period between 35-39 was the most stress inducing time in my life: it was horrible. Chasing a dream/fantasy and feeling crippled that I'll miss out ate at me all the time. All that is gone now, and I have the usual worries about life, who doesn't! But, at least I'm not preoccupied with dating/relationships, and it feels so liberating.

Check out Mel Johnson - she's a fertility coach and a solo mum, she runs Stork and I podcasts (as well as a fb page) and talks a lot about different aspects of solo parenting including (for her) letting go of the fantasy/social expectations of meeting someone, and pursuing IVF I believe aged 36/37 after many years of dating and trying to meet someone.

@hellotesting123123

Thanks everyone!

Podcast recommendations would be fab... thanks for the names of the authors @pearlfriday, will check them out. @thepurplepalace what true crime / documentaries would you recommend? I'm rubbish at finding things I like so always up for hearing favourites!

I love ‘You’re Wrong About’ podcast. Lots of different stories and if you do decide to date it’s quite handy conversation starters. If you love Sex and the City then Sentimental in the City is AMAZING. An episode per series and those women are hilarious.

I loved Serial, All Killa No Filla and curve ball… Divorce Pod is great too. It’s not really about the romantic side, more how you come out the other side. Once you want to dabble with dating again I highly recommend Love Is Coming. Optimistic and light podcast that gets your thinking about what you want & how to get it.

If you’re considering solo parenthood (& I seriously was & will go down that route if things don’t more forward in my relationship) then I recommend Stork & I.

*As for OLD, I too found it soul-crushing. I felt devastated most of the time, jaded, rejected. But, I think it had a lot to do with my expectations of these men (see above's post re wanting a family). I don't think I was in the right headspace, looking back. It was like a pressure-cooker. I appreciate that abuse (verbal or otherwise) experienced on the apps and all sorts of micro aggressions build up over time, if that took place, and just leave people 'broken' almost. Like anything in life, apps can be a way to meet a partner or turn out to be a waste of time. It's pot luck!

@anthurium, really practical question which I wonder about a lot, how are you going to look after the baby while you work? I'm thinking about solo parenting as an option but just can't think how I'd do it when I went back? (Also I'm freelance so would have to get a proper job to get maternity leave, another big change!)

Also, how old are you?

I've got a friend who had two babies alone. She loves it. I'm just not sure I could cope with the isolation as I'm not close to my family at all and have lovely friends but j don't think they'd help practically, they have enough going on!

Hi op,
I forgot to add I'm 39. I'm planning on taking 6 months off work and then use a combination of childminder/nursery once back at work (I haven't quite worked that bit out yet fully)!

You'd need to be employed in some form of capacity to qualify for either SMP (statutory maternity allowance) or just OMA (ordinary maternity allowance), but do check on the government's website for full eligibility criteria.

I have no family nearby (mother lives in a different part of the UK to me) and sister lives abroad. I have two close friends (male) but I do not expect any help from them (not regular help for sure).

I have wondered about isolation, but I'm already living quite a solitary life and have little support so it'll be no different. I will just have to soldier on. It's not what I'd imagined in my fantasy world, but it's still better than holding out for a man in the vague hope they want to settle down in the right timeframe.

I hope this helps!

Although I’m not single I know in my Late 50s from others I know who ‘are ‘single , that in a way it’s easier if you have had a family and aren’t looking for anyone to have one with. You are less likely to be looking for just ‘anyone’ at random , don’t usually have childcare issues and are usually better at spotting red flags or cocklodgers etc.

@anthurium I think its very cool what you are doing and it's definitely a strong option for me! I feel like I'm getting things into place now for the possibility (egg freezing, going back inhouse) without necessarily being 100% committed yet.

I think motherhood is often lonely anyway, but I hope you get some support. I think there's a network specially for smbc, have you seen this?

If you're in London I'd be happy to meet for a coffee and chat all things Independent Woman, we're a growing breed!

Honestly I felt the same until I had my baby
I'm also 37 and kicked H out a few months ago as suddenly my priorities changed and I wasn't willing to put up with his bullshit anymore . Usually after a breakup I'd be on a massive re-bound but not this time
Makes me wish I'd had a baby on my own by other means sometimes
I'm not suggesting you go off an have a baby but I think if any woman of a certain age was financially stable, had a good support network and really wanted a child I wouldn't try and put them off going it alone

Good for you @fedup078. What was he doing, if you don't mind me asking? Does he have much contact now?

I dont have the kind of support network that would baby sit lots unfortunately so would need to look at how I could afford childcare. It's possible I think.

[quote hellotesting123123]@anthurium, really practical question which I wonder about a lot, how are you going to look after the baby while you work? I'm thinking about solo parenting as an option but just can't think how I'd do it when I went back? (Also I'm freelance so would have to get a proper job to get maternity leave, another big change!)

Also, how old are you?

I've got a friend who had two babies alone. She loves it. I'm just not sure I could cope with the isolation as I'm not close to my family at all and have lovely friends but j don't think they'd help practically, they have enough going on![/quote]
You don't have to commit to solo parenting yet. I found that just reading/listening to the material helped me feel more informed about the options and considerations and therefore more in control. It's information gathering, not a decision.

@fedup078

Honestly I felt the same until I had my baby I'm also 37 and kicked H out a few months ago as suddenly my priorities changed and I wasn't willing to put up with his bullshit anymore . Usually after a breakup I'd be on a massive re-bound but not this time Makes me wish I'd had a baby on my own by other means sometimes I'm not suggesting you go off an have a baby but I think if any woman of a certain age was financially stable, had a good support network and really wanted a child I wouldn't try and put them off going it alone

Hi op, just curious on your comment regarding a good support network. I don't really have one, I'll be reliant on paid childcare. Again, in my fantasy world a loving relationship, a wide support network would have been what I'd imagined but I guess it was a choice of being childless for life or waiting for a man, neither of which appealed at 39. I guess I was too stubborn to accept either option because I felt "why should I be denied the opportunity to be a parent because I lack a relationship or a good support network." I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but parenting is a challenge regardless so I'll just manage, I'll have to. The alternative to not going solo would have been back on the apps rebounding and rinse and repeat the cycle of dating. The man and relationship can collapse at any time, so you could inevitably end up on your own solo parenting anyway.

Yeah, tbh I think even with a good support network women end up doing 99% of everything anyway, so I think if you can buy that in then great. More reliable anyway!

Just found this thread and loved it. Lot's of great independent women -role models- here 🙌