Why is DP sometimes like this

[rainbowfairylights]

DP by nature is a quiet person however recently her quietness has changed from just being her to being quite blunt and snappy when she does talk, which makes me feel like shit. When I ask if something's wrong, she says 'nothing' in the most pissed off voice ever, and then continues to keep speaking to me like this.

Is this a normal way to treat someone? It's starting to really grate on my confidence - my logic is that if she's not in a bad mood, then she must really dislike me to speak to me like that. It's happening more often than not now, and she doesn't respond well to me trying to talk to her about it, either she tells me I'm being ridiculous or says that she's just a quiet person. As mentioned - she is quiet, but there's a difference between being quiet and not being very nice!

Also, we're both women. We've been together for just over two years. This behaviour began about a month ago. Any thoughts welcome.

This is abusive and this relationship therefore needs to end.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes I've been in an abusive relationship before and it does remind me of parts of it. It's really horrible.

It's called passive aggressive and its learned behaviour (usually from parents)

I used to be like this until I had decent therapy. My mum was the PA queen.

It makes you feel you can't question tye behaviour

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation oh god yes that's probably exactly it. She is awful dealing with situations in conflict so I wonder if she's trying to avoid something and taking it out on me. Not cool. How can I speak to her about this though? She just totally denies she's doing it which makes me feel worse.

Have you tried saying something like: “Can we talk? You seem really unhappy. What’s going on?”

And if she still snaps at you and doesn’t want to discuss it after that then you need to be frank and explain that your relationship isn’t working as her attitude towards you isn’t loving and isn’t what you deserve. Tell her you are not happy.

Tell her to speak to you like an adult rather than a stroppy teenager.

If I were you, I'd be wondering if her head had been turned.

Unfortunately Ime the only way she's going to change is if she wants to change. Which will only happen when she realises her behaviour is a normal and abusive

If you don't have children I'd be bailing out. Let her work things out on her own

*abnormal 🙄

@YelloYelloYello

Have you tried saying something like: “Can we talk? You seem really unhappy. What’s going on?”

And if she still snaps at you and doesn’t want to discuss it after that then you need to be frank and explain that your relationship isn’t working as her attitude towards you isn’t loving and isn’t what you deserve. Tell her you are not happy.

Yep tried this and she still snaps. I just end up giving up - we're adults, I have better things to do than talk to someone who has morphed into a teenager tbh but we do need to talk about it

If you’ve tried then you’ve tried. I disagree that you need to talk about it. If she’s refusing to then you literally can’t. It’s time to walk away.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Unfortunately Ime the only way she's going to change is if she wants to change. Which will only happen when she realises her behaviour is a normal and abusive

If you don't have children I'd be bailing out. Let her work things out on her own

No kids yet but planned for the near future. I don't want my kids brought up in a house like this so if it doesn't change I'll be leaving for sure. I just don't understand how someone can wake up and think, 'ah yes, today I will treat my partner like shit all day, for no reason at all'. What is she even getting out of it? It's really quite frustrating.

Tell her you are not happy. Tell her that she needs to get some counselling and/or you both attend couple counselling otherwise the relationship is over. Ultimatum time. Demand respect and put boundaries in place.

@Shitapillar

If I were you, I'd be wondering if her head had been turned.

If it has then it would be online, we're living somewhere quite isolated and she works from home.

so if it doesn't change I'll be leaving for sure.
Have you been very, very clear about the fact you will leave?

@YelloYelloYello yes I said it for the first time last week and it made her cry and apologise and it was fine for about two days and then back to how it usually is so she can't have been that sorry

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads therapy sounds like a good plan but she hates talking about her feelings so I'm not sure she'd buy it - as an ultimatum though maybe

Oh also, we do have four animals. If I was to leave I've no idea how we'd sort that one out. So much to think about but I need to think through it because I can't live like this forever, I deserve better.

So she's obviously pissed off about something you have done. Just say to her...look, I get it, I've done something to piss you off. I'm not interested in playing the guessing game where I try and work out what terrible deed has caused this level of punishment. We are both grown ups and adults express in words what the issue is so that we can work it out together. You are fully aware that how you are behaving is making me feel vulnerable and insecure and I'm not willing to live with this type of mental fuckwittery. We can either sit down and talk it through or you can write in an email how you are feeling. Either way this needs to be dealt with. If you think you can't deal with it then we need to take steps as I'm not prepared to live like this.

Passive aggressive people need to be called out, clearly and without and anger. If you blow up then she'll use it against you. If she's passive aggressive is a very hard and long road ahead. I'd not be inclined to bring children into it.

No way would I be putting up with that.
Either she's upset about something and refusing to communicate why, or is just a mean arsehole. Either way It's wrong.

Therapy ultimatum if kids are involved and you have the will and energy to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work (dependent on what the issue is). I gave a therapy ultimatum re. a different issue to yours and therapy improved our relationship.

In your case, I would end it as kids are not involved.

Asked about having a wee chat and she's busy watching the football so I guess we'll speak later

Really quite fed up with this today. Very close to just throwing in the towel but losing any of our animals is scaring me a bit - I couldn't live somewhere dog friendly as we rent and I couldn't afford a rental big enough for me and two dogs so I'll lose them at the very least, plus probably the cat that is very attached to DP, even though he was initially my cat who I literally rescued from the street.

Do you know if she suffers with anxiety?
Being snappy and irritable is a sign of this l, I know from experience - I have been officially diagnosed with anxiety for over 10 years and it is something I am ashamed to say I have done.
It's not an excuse and I am not saying it's right and you should put up with it at all but I have been like this and not realised it. I am a lot better now in noticing my own symptoms and I am able to control it a lot better most of the time. I do find that communication is key. I have to say "I am struggling, I am experiencing whatever symptoms" and that will help my partner understand. It also helps for me to rationalise what is going on - when I get physical symptoms and then worry more that I am ill it spirals, so just saying to my OH "I have a very sore throat - I think it's due to anxiety" I can reduce the worry.

When I first had anxiety I didn't know what it was or understand at all and that was the worst it's ever been because I couldn't give an answer to the question "are you ok? What's going on" because I had no clue why I was feeling like I was.

However no one should have to put up with it and if you feel it's not worth it you have every right to leave. You need to think of your own happiness.

@RogueRebel yes she has anxiety and ADHD. Tbh though I also have anxiety and am autistic so whilst it maybe explains the behaviour, it's not for me to take.

'We've been together for just over two years. This behaviour began about a month ago. Any thoughts welcome.'
As she has only recently started this behaviour, I'd wonder if she is pissed off with you about something specific, but won't / can't speak to you about it?
Or if the relationship has run its course for her, but she doesn't know how to tell you, so is pushing you away.
Obviously neither of these are ideal ways to communicate though.