I’m really stupid, aren’t I?

[Moybrick]

I’ve been seeing this man for 2 1/2 years, it started off as a fling, no expectations other than sex but it quickly developed into more.
Problem is, he’s married. He told me his marriage was basically over and he was looking for a way out. It took a year into our relationship before he moved out of home, however another year and a half along the line his wife still thinks they’re ‘together’, they just live apart.
I’ve never met his kids, any of his family of friends. He keeps saying he’s going to end it with his wife, but after 2 1/2 years if he’s not done it yet, he’s never going to do it, is he?
Please tell me I’m being stupid staying with him, he means a lot me me but I’m beginning to realise he shouldn’t be treating me like this.

Yes

You weren't stupid to be taken in by his initial lies. You would be stupid to stay.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

You weren't stupid to be taken in by his initial lies. You would be stupid to stay.

This.

Well he's having his cake and eating it isn't he 🤦‍♀️

Respect yourself enough to kick him to the kerb

He shouldn't be treating his wife like this is what you should be writing.
This man wanted his cake and eating it , you are the cake.
Ok he left his wife , but if he hasn't suggested you move in together , or you have been integrated into his life more , you are not going to be.

Why on earth does the wife think they are still together if he has moved out of home? What story has he spun her?

Look, if he hasn't left after 2.5 years, he is not going to. And why do you want to be with someone who dithers around like that anyway?

As a rule of thumb, men don't leave their wives for their mistresses. On the rare occasion that they do, they don't take 2+ years to do it.

I had a friend who spent 13 years waiting for the man to divorce his wife. Then she hit early meno. Now 50, she never got over having wasted the best years of her life on a charming liar.

I never understood the have your cake and eat it thing. Why would anyone want a piece of cake they couldn't eat Does anyone want to have cake they can't eat?

That aside I think you were daft to believe him at the outset that he was leaving his wife. It took him a year and now he won't divorce her. You need to end it.

Problem is, he’s married. He told me his marriage was basically over and he was looking for a way out. It took a year into our relationship before he moved out of home, however another year and a half along the line his wife still thinks they’re ‘together’, they just live apart

Classic line of a cheater "my marriage is basically over. We live together but we're separated. I want to leave but it's not possible at the moment because X,Y and Z".
Then he does move out of his home and his wife thinks they are "together" so therefore things can't progress with you. Aye right....
Are you sure he has moved out?
If he has, why on earth would his wife think they are still together unless he's spinning her some kind of line?

If he really wanted to be with you and build a future with you, there is no way he would have moved out let allow his wife to continue to think they are together.
I think they probably aren't together and he's now spinning you a line because he doesn't see his future with you and is possibly hoping to meet someone else.

Whatever the truth of the matter is, this pathetic excuse for a man just cannot be trusted. Get rid of him and find someone decent who is single and free to be with you.

No he’s not. He’s shagging you both. You need to end it and get an STI test.

He told his wife he’d moved out to protect the family home. His business is in trouble and he told her they’d take his home to pay the business debts off.
His wife still thinks things are fine as I’ve over head them talking on the phone, including her saying how much she loves him, I have a feeling when I’m not there he’d be saying the same thing back to her.
Icing on the cake is that I’ve found out he’s going on holiday in a couple of weeks with his wife and kids, he says it’s just to spend time with the kids, but surely he could just take them away without the wife?

You weren't ever going to meet his kids.

You were fully aware he was still with his wife. Usually knew no one had officially ended the marriage, so why would you meet the kids or his family or friends?

I am sorry you fell for a rea cliche line from him. But you knew you were getting together with a man who had not ended his marriage.

Basically over, isn't over.

He repeatedly tells me I’m not just the bit on the side, but I’m struggling to see it any other way

Yeah, you've been lied to. Sorry OP. You need to LTB.

They want to eat their cake but still have it (uneaten), presumably to enjoy later CrouchEnd . Can't be done, a choice must be made.

I would leave, OP.

Just read your update OP. Definitely leave.

@Moybrick

He repeatedly tells me I’m not just the bit on the side, but I’m struggling to see it any other way

You are struggling to see it any other way. Because there's no other way to see it.

He is with his wife. Its not over in any sense of the word and you have known that the whole time.

You are the OW.

@LizzieAnt

They want to eat their cake but still have it (uneaten), presumably to enjoy later CrouchEnd . Can't be done, a choice must be made.

I would leave, OP.

🤣 Good point!

It depends on what you want. If you are content being his side interest then carry on-just don't expect him to leave his wife.

If you want more and to be with someone who isn't unfaithful, you need to do the hard part and sever ties.

Yes he’s lying to you.

What a nasty man. Keep reminding yourself of that and move on.

Thank you everyone, I really needed some support to check my instincts were right.
I know what I need to do, it’s going to be hard but better for me in the long run.

Oh op, you have bigger problems. I don't know how you can listen to his wife tell him she loves him, knowing he is cheating on her and not immediately want to end things and tell her. Where has your moral compass gone? What has this man turned you into? He has taken your self respect and your compassion for others. That's not a relationship you want to stay in.

Partners are supposed to bring out the best in us. This man has reduced you.

He is definitely sleeping with his wife still.

I never understood the have your cake and eat it thing. Why would anyone want a piece of cake they couldn't eat grin Does anyone want to have cake they can't eat?

The phrase is the wrong way around for whatever reason.. it means "eat your cake but still have it"

What's he told his wife.. that he has to live elsewhere for work or something?

Depends how long you want to hang around waiting for him to really leave, if he even does.

People lose assets in divorces.

They also cause lots of hurt and anger and tension with their kids, wider family etc

Getting rid of a mistress is generally much easier than getting rid of a wife.