I’m really stupid, aren’t I?

[Moybrick]

I’ve been seeing this man for 2 1/2 years, it started off as a fling, no expectations other than sex but it quickly developed into more.
Problem is, he’s married. He told me his marriage was basically over and he was looking for a way out. It took a year into our relationship before he moved out of home, however another year and a half along the line his wife still thinks they’re ‘together’, they just live apart.
I’ve never met his kids, any of his family of friends. He keeps saying he’s going to end it with his wife, but after 2 1/2 years if he’s not done it yet, he’s never going to do it, is he?
Please tell me I’m being stupid staying with him, he means a lot me me but I’m beginning to realise he shouldn’t be treating me like this.

@Umberellatheweatha

Oh op, you have bigger problems. I don't know how you can listen to his wife tell him she loves him, knowing he is cheating on her and not immediately want to end things and tell her. Where has your moral compass gone? What has this man turned you into? He has taken your self respect and your compassion for others. That's not a relationship you want to stay in.

Partners are supposed to bring out the best in us. This man has reduced you.

This man has turned me into someone I don’t want to be. I’ve had my head buried in the sand for so long, then when I heard his wife say she loved him it actually broke my heart. I actually hate myself for being this stupid.

You have indeed been stupid. But don’t hate yourself- leaving will be your first step in the right direction. Be proud of yourself for taking that first step.

I’d tell the wife, she is being played for a fool!

I think you need to think about which bits if your personality he has 'changed' and be honest about which bits were already you.

You started seeing him, for just sex. Knowing his wife wasn't aware. Knowing he had never actually ended the marriage.

That bit wasn't because you had fallen for him. That bit was because it suited joy at the time.

Over the relationship he may have chipped away at you so you became a bit of a doormat. You say it broke your heart but didn't end it. You stayed.

But you should look at why you willingly got with a man who told you one of the worlds oldest lies. You believed the lie. But also knew he hadn't ended the marriage and proceeded anyway. No point pretending, you didn't play an active part.

To move on and not repeat this, you need to look at it all.

You can't trust a word he says. You'll never find true happiness with someone you can't trust.

You are the OW. And always have been.

Difference is, you were happy for him to cheat on his wife with you initially when you just wanted sex but now you have developed feelings it's all his fault for "tricking" you into believing he would leave.

In the meantime there is a perfectly innocent wife and kids in the background with no idea you are both royally screwing them over.

He's not going to leave his wife for you. And you should stop sleeping with married men if you want a mutually exclusive relationship.

Even if he did leave her and you got together, you know he cheated on her with you so you would always be wondering if he would cheat on you. You know those are his morals. As the saying goes, when the mistress becomes the wife, she creates a new opening.

@CrouchEndTiger12

I never understood the have your cake and eat it thing. Why would anyone want a piece of cake they couldn't eat Does anyone want to have cake they can't eat?

That aside I think you were daft to believe him at the outset that he was leaving his wife. It took him a year and now he won't divorce her. You need to end it.

It should be eat your cake and have it too implying that you want two incompatible scenarios. I expect the two were reversed because it's impossible to eat your cake and still have it. Which is kind of the point...

OP, yes, you were daft to believe him.at the start and daft to believe him now.

the answer to the thread title is yes.
dont waste anymore time on him. end asap.
cut all contact. sorry.

and dont get involved with a married man again.