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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He can’t see it

50 replies

Meesechelt · 23/07/2021 23:01

Ok so I’ve messaged or posted on here once before back when it was the football and I’d been excessively excited with things waved hands he’d got angry it spiralled he hurt me made a hole in door etc.. I’ve not written this on that thread
because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to eek out the answer to my original question .. but it does follow on ... to summarise that it left me actually with still markedly a visible injury and the property damage is something I’m
Half way mending . But that’s the last message and I’ll try to move on from that as he says I’d been a bit much and perhaps I was just a bit hyper with football and trying to fit in with the whole
Mood..

The problem I have now is that I’m now worried or scared of anything I do (not that he’ll hurt me )but that I’ll be mocked or grabbed or shoved by him
and I know this is stupid as I’m opening myself to be mocked online here but I’ve always needed a sounding board for things in life even just to vent and this isn’t something I can sound out to my mum. I don’t feel I can talk to him anymore I can’t even look at him and he’s getting quite horrible in words and his actions since because I’ve been so distant from him and I want to snap out of it but I can’t. I don’t really know what advice I’m after .. but perhaps some words of wisdom ..Either how to express myself or that I’m being an over sensitive needy person that should just move on etc

OP posts:

Parsley1234 · 23/07/2021 23:05

Leave him

pinkcircustop · 23/07/2021 23:06

You need to leave him. It’s the only option. You can’t stay with someone when you’re always worried they’re going to hurt you.

You know it’s wrong and that’s why you won’t talk to your mum or anyone about it.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 23/07/2021 23:07

You are scared of him and he sounds like a shit

Are you saying he unintentionally hurt you but didn't apologise because you were being 'over the top with your actions'

Regardless if the tables were turned I'm sure you would have made to apologise and you would have as any decent person would

If it was intentional start confiding in people and have an exit strategy and get out safely

By not telling you mum (or someone you trust) you are insinuating that either you are ashamed of yourself or scared of people knowing what he did both of these scenarios are not your fault and you should not cover up for him or take the blame

Bananalanacake · 23/07/2021 23:11

Who owns the property you live in. Do you have DC together. Never stay with a man who hurts you.

Summerbaby2020 · 23/07/2021 23:13

I hate to say it but I agree with pp you need to leave him. This is how it started with my exh, punching things in anger, was just a shove at first here and there, then a grab of the arm, then a punch to the face, then a grab of the throat and squeezing it until I passed out and got much much worse.

I’m not one for shouting LTB every time anything goes wrong but when there is a sign of abuse, and that’s what it is OP even though you may not see it, it is, you need to leave. It took me 6 years and took for me to be put in hospital for me to finally go don’t let this be you.

Stay safe and take care

Somuddled · 23/07/2021 23:13

Being mocked, grabbed and shoved is being hurt though. You need to leave, right away.

Original poster

Meesechelt · 23/07/2021 23:15

I don’t think he intentionally hurt me he just grabbed my wrist and bent it back quite hard which when written down doesn’t look nice but it was a strange moment that I’m now completely confused over . But it’s just left me different with him and i can’t talk to anyone as I think like you have said I am ashamed of it all .. I don’t really have any explanation of things I’m confused I don’t drink .. he does however but that wasn’t the reason .. it’s just how to move forward now ..😢

OP posts:

pinkcircustop · 23/07/2021 23:17

You move forward by leaving him. It doesn’t matter whether or not it was intentional.

gmwardy · 23/07/2021 23:18

You’re being abused
Please speak to someone in real life

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/07/2021 23:20

OP sometimes there are things you simply can't get over. And things you shouldn't get over. It's ok to have dealbreakers. He broke a boundary, showed a total lack of respect for you and an inability to control and take responsibility for his anger.

Off he fucks.

kittenkipping · 23/07/2021 23:24

Leave. You are afraid. It does t go away.

Loveacuppa · 23/07/2021 23:30

OP you mentioned being ashamed, but you have nothing to be ashamed about - his behaviour is not your fault, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

You mentioned you don't think he meant to hurt you, and yet he clearly did cause you pain. Just curious - if one of your friends/family were in the same situation, what would your advice to them be?

WallaceinAnderland · 23/07/2021 23:34

@Meesechelt

Leave.

Meesechelt · 23/07/2021 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nimbuscloud · 23/07/2021 23:38

I remember your post
He’s an abusing fucking bastard
It was not your fault
Please seek help and leave him

Loveacuppa · 23/07/2021 23:40

You haven't created this
You deserve to be loved and respected, cared for and looked after.
Treat yourself as you would treat your daughter / friend / anyone else. Prioritise your own wellbeing and find the safe space, love and respect that should be yours.

Loveacuppa · 23/07/2021 23:41

loverespect.co.uk/#

Summerbaby2020 · 23/07/2021 23:43

I’m with a new partner new op, I love him dearly he’s my soulmate I never thought I would ever have but my goodness he is one annoying little shit at times! Difference is I have never, not ONCE laid a hand on him or even thought about it ever and I never would.

Being annoying is absolutely no excuse to put your hand on someone ever. I know how your feeling and I understand you defending him I was there once but honestly that is not ok you have even said if your daughter came and told you this you would be furious, you need to try and see this for what it is. There is no excuse to ever lay a hand on your partner, no matter how annoying they are.

MiniTheMinx · 23/07/2021 23:49

Are you so annoying that other people mock, grab and shove you ? of course not. No reasonable person would do this to you. Not only has he assaulted you he has made you responsible for his abusive behaviour. Men who abuse don't just hit people, they mock, manipulate, gaslight, blame, and emotionally abuse their victims. This is what he is doing. He is absolutely happy you are walking on eggshells. That suits his agenda.

Moving forward......leave.

SixesAndEights · 23/07/2021 23:51

The man is an abuser and you need to leave.

JulieChastened · 23/07/2021 23:55

Please, please leave him.

Original poster

Meesechelt · 23/07/2021 23:57

I can’t lie I find it really hard to hear that he’s abusive because I feel guilty and I don’t know why. I just hoped if I could deal with it differently more confidently perhaps explain to him some other relationships gain the confidence to talk to him from sounding it out on here etc but I just feel really sad .. I’ve excused possibly a lot more because it wasn’t quite as tangible to explain so I feel even more stupid talking to him to say I’m leaving as I know or assume what he will say

OP posts:

TacCat49 · 23/07/2021 23:58

You are making excuses for him. You say 'I don't think he intentionally hurt me'. Well that's a worry. If his sense of accountability is that low then will he kill you one day and say but oh I didn't mean to kill her. Why are you fixing the hole in the wall? Shouldn't he be paying for the repair? He has now learned that he can abuse you and get away with it. Would he do this to his boss. Yep, i thought not. LTB.

Pebbledashery · 24/07/2021 00:07

I remember you.
I'm going to give you some tough love as with every domestic abuse threat on mumsnet I comment on.
It's not going to get better.
It's going to get worse. And worse and worse.. Till you're conditioned to it and believe its normal and you deserve it.
Take it from someone who knows.. I left a horrifically abusive relationship last year. My life was like a prison. I just wanted to die.. But my daughter kept me going.
This is the tough love bit...stop making excuses and believe that this behaviour is anything but normal. You're being abused. This is an abusive person. It won't change, nothing you can ever do will change this person. Because this is what they do. They abuse. It will completely destroy your soul.
Please try and believe you're worth more than this.
That's all I can say to you, but until you want to want to change your life and help yourself, then nothing is going to get better.

JSL52 · 24/07/2021 00:12

He did hurt you on purpose and he will do it again.

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