He can’t see it

[Meesechelt]

Ok so I’ve messaged or posted on here once before back when it was the football and I’d been excessively excited with things waved hands he’d got angry it spiralled he hurt me made a hole in door etc.. I’ve not written this on that thread
because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to eek out the answer to my original question .. but it does follow on ... to summarise that it left me actually with still markedly a visible injury and the property damage is something I’m
Half way mending . But that’s the last message and I’ll try to move on from that as he says I’d been a bit much and perhaps I was just a bit hyper with football and trying to fit in with the whole
Mood..

The problem I have now is that I’m now worried or scared of anything I do (not that he’ll hurt me )but that I’ll be mocked or grabbed or shoved by him
and I know this is stupid as I’m opening myself to be mocked online here but I’ve always needed a sounding board for things in life even just to vent and this isn’t something I can sound out to my mum. I don’t feel I can talk to him anymore I can’t even look at him and he’s getting quite horrible in words and his actions since because I’ve been so distant from him and I want to snap out of it but I can’t. I don’t really know what advice I’m after .. but perhaps some words of wisdom ..Either how to express myself or that I’m being an over sensitive needy person that should just move on etc

You are questioning your whole life.

What is the reality, over and over in your mind trying to find answers, who is to blame, how did we get to this point where I am so sad and he doesn't seem to be affected.

Your instincs are still there, you are keeping him at arms length, you can't speak to him anymore because you can't trust him.

YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE.

Realise you are in no way at fault, I will repeat

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now start seriously start thinking about getting away from this evil shit of an man that has you questioning your every action and turning all fault inwards towards yourself.

He will get worse I have no doubt.
Run and open up to others, do not keep his dirty secrets any longer, that is how he is controlling you, with shame.

I appreciate your reply I really do and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that . You have done an amazing thing and you’re much stronger than I could ever be.. I’ve kept things to bare minimum in here to be my sounding board but I am desperate for some change in my life I really am I just am unsure that if it’s me creating issues and being over sensitive if that makes sense. That when I’ve “ left or said it’s over” before the past thing with wrist he is right that I shoot myself in foot or cut nose of to spite face etc what ever other saying he says to me that he has some truth to it really and I don’t have any confidence in what’s right or wrong any more

You are now living in the reality that he has created for you now.

It's a world just for you and him, and guess what he can treat you however he pleases within it.

In this world you do not need to know right from wrong. He will always be right, and if you question that you will be beaten down.

He is lying to you, there is nothing wrong with you, your demands and actions are not bad, he is making it up so he can abuse you.

You still don't believe it do you?

He’s an abuser. He will continue to abuse you.

@Meesechelt

I appreciate your reply I really do and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that . You have done an amazing thing and you’re much stronger than I could ever be.. I’ve kept things to bare minimum in here to be my sounding board but I am desperate for some change in my life I really am I just am unsure that if it’s me creating issues and being over sensitive if that makes sense. That when I’ve “ left or said it’s over” before the past thing with wrist he is right that I shoot myself in foot or cut nose of to spite face etc what ever other saying he says to me that he has some truth to it really and I don’t have any confidence in what’s right or wrong any more

So the next time you decide to leave, have the courage of your own decision, don't tell him until after you've left and tell him in writing not a verbal conversation where he can twist things round and confuse you. You don't need his permission or agreement to leave.

You're confused because he's gaslighting you, making you believe everything is your fault it isn't. It's mind games. You feel guilty because the mind games have messed up your thought process, but you can recover from that once you're away from him so he can no longer do it to you. You need to go to Women's Aid where you can start to understand all this.

LTB. He's deliberately hurting you. He already knows what he's doing, he can see it but he's never going to admit that to you.

Instead he tells you
lies about how it's your fault. Its not your fault. You could be screaming in his face he still doesn't get to hurt you with violence.

Pushing, shoving and grabbing is violence. Throwing things at the wall, punching walls etc to scare you is violence.

If he doesn't like your behaviour he can speak to you about it and ask you to do things differently (you don't have to agree or comply), he can leave the room or the house or the relationship. Plenty of non-violent options for him there if he doesn't like your behaviour.

Punishing you with non-violent means of manipulation isnt ok either. Eg sulking because you've annoyed him, refusing to do house chores because you said No to something he wanted, starting arguments so you're always upset about something and so don't want to go out (eg if you was going out with friends without him or going somewhere together but he doesn't want to go), doing things to upset you whenever you're happy so you're never happy. None of this is ok. When I say he should behaviour I a non-violent way I don't mean that he should do non-violent means of controlling you. He shouldn't do anything to control you.

By the way, all of your behaviour you've described is totally normal for the circumstances.

You won’t be mocked online here. We’re on your side. He is being abusive. Please find a way to leave.
Bless you, you haven’t done anything wrong by getting excited by a football game! Please look after yourself, my heart goes out to you.

You are trying to fix something that cannot be fixed.

You are currently being conditioned.

Whilst that evening has you in turmoil feeling sad, confused, hurt and unsure of everything, what is he thinking? ......

I will tell you, he enjoyed it, he hurt you physically and it gave him a rush of power.
He will like to do it again.

There will be so many more opportunities to make you deserve another punishment. He will create these opportunities time and time again.

You seem kind and kind people cannot imagine that someone could be so inherently bad as to hurt another person for no reason, but they do, evil does exist.

Stay and you will see.

Please listen to others because he will destroy you, it is a game you cannot win.

It hurts me to see you questioning this as abuse and remaining there waiting for the next level of pain to begin.

Do you have someone in 'real life' that you can talk to? They may have noticed more than you think and can give you some clarity, to be clear, it's likely to be the exact same thing you're hearing here but from someone who has seen things but have not been sure whether to get involved or not.

You are getting good advice here but I hear you on how easy it is to be confused. You think maybe some nuance or context has been missed because it's "only" your side of the story. Nobody is here to mock you, just to help you see that your side is very important.

Let's assume that you're annoying. (I don't think you are but just pretend) He dealt with things like a toddler would- using his strength. A child at nursery would have that kind of behaviour corrected and told to deal with things in other ways like using words, leaving the area etc

You shouldn't feel scared of your partner and I think it's sad that you accept that you're annoying. However hyper you got, you didn't damage your home or injure anyone. He's a nasty bully - deep down you know this. It's ok not to be able to get over someone acting scarily. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

You're not ready to change your life yet.. I understand that. It takes incredible courage to walk away. But just know until you do that, nothing.. Not one thing, will change. I don't mean to come across as harsh, I just know when I was at your stage I wished someone would give me some harsh realities and tough love. I appreciate you want to use mumsnet as a sounding board etc... But every response is going to tell you you're being abused and you need to leave him..
Your life honestly deserves so much more then to be a victim.

@Meesechelt

I've just checked on the thread...

I REALLY feel this is your chance to leave.

I have a awful feeling that if we on Mumsnet miss this opportunity to get you out you will suffer, please don't risk your life staying.

Please please please be frank and shockingly open and tell the WHOLE story with at least one real person in your life
Or a therapist

YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIM

please be brave, bravery can be through leaving or talking. You need to start talking and making plans. There is no shame, you are a victim of domestic abuse. It's a hard label to wear but it's the first step to admit it to yourself and others

There is NO COMBINATION OF WORDS that can get an abusive man to stop being abusive. You need to leave, end of story. You're not safe with him and you know it.

Your trust has gone. Time for you to go too.

So many replies have really touched a nerve - want a better phrase than that but I can’t think of one. I don’t mean it though in a horrible way or defensive way I’m just a little taken back because some of the comments are like reading my thoughts. I don’t have the ability at the moment to reply to each point and I have questions really but i can’t but I didn’t want to be rude and not acknowledge after you’ve all been so kind

You are not rude op, you seem like a very kind woman who is trying to unravel her feelings.

This would be something your partner would never do, abusers don't.

You are still looking inwards to blame yourself, but although you may feel you can control it at the moment I have no doubt his ill treatment of you will continue to get worse.

It sounds altogether very similar to many posters in the early stages.

You really arn't to blame, you're just a nice person, just thinking that everyone else out there is nice, it isn't the case.

He will make you believe it is your faults that are causing him to be cruel, when in fact he just gets off on it.

OP When you live with someone it is because you want to be together. You look out for each other and care for their welfare. You look forward to the other person coming home from work and enjoy each other's company.
You talk, you laugh, you discuss. You do things together, you plan for the future and you go through the routine of life, the mundane and the rest.
You comfort the other person and they do the same when times are bad. You have a special relationship and it makes you happy and strong.

My bloke does not hit me. He does not grab my wrist. He does not criticise me or make me feel bad about myself. If anything upsets me he is the person I turn to because I know he will give good advice and support me.
If you are needy it's because you are not loved
If you have no confidence it's because you are not loved
This man does not love you.
If he does not love you then how are you to love yourself?

Listen to the advice on here. It is well meant.

OP, could you have (individual) counselling to help you to understand what is happening in this relationship?

OP, you are not being oversensitive.

(he tells you that so he controls the narrative)

You are not cutting off your nose to spite your face

(this is to make you think that leaving him is unreasonable - actually, leaving is the most reasonable and rational option available).

Abusers aren't horrible all the time, sometimes they are nice to you. BUT the way he treats you shows this is an abusive and controlling relationship.

He is even trying to control your thoughts, telling you they are wrong, or that your feelings are wrong.

You deserve to be with someone who treats you respectfully all the time, someone who doesn't belittle you, who would never hurt you, someone you feel safe around all the time.

See if you can do the freedom programme on line.

I don't know how you feel about being single but see it as something to look forward to, something to enjoy. Don't be afraid to be single.

Good luck.

@Meesechelt

I can’t lie I find it really hard to hear that he’s abusive because I feel guilty and I don’t know why. I just hoped if I could deal with it differently more confidently perhaps explain to him some other relationships gain the confidence to talk to him from sounding it out on here etc but I just feel really sad .. I’ve excused possibly a lot more because it wasn’t quite as tangible to explain so I feel even more stupid talking to him to say I’m leaving as I know or assume what he will say

The way you feel is not uncommon for victims of abuse. The behavior comes in cycles. The abuse happens, followed by an appology of him saying his is not able to control himself, followed by a period of trying to make amends, followed by a period of normalcy where nothing happens and then he'll hit you again. Rinse and repeat. I can understand that it must feel like you're going through crazy town, but your feelings on this matter are understandable and normal.

Do you really think being a bit hyper about something on tv justifies hurting you and punching a hole in a door?

What if you had a child that got hyper about something?

You should never have to walk on egg shells around a partner in case they lash out.

(not that he’ll hurt me )but that I’ll be mocked or grabbed or shoved by him

Read that again. OP, he’s dangerous. I know it’s hard and dramatic even to admit to yourself but this is a truly awful situation. Please tell someone in real life & get away ASAP.

I’m so sad ( understatement).. I can’t say how many long years together or our family set up because I don’t want to either be identified ( so
Unlikely) but equally I feel ashamed again as it’s not a new fresh relationship where I can suddenly see a red flag so to speak . I’m unravelling now a lot and I feel just sad . I have no other words than empty and sad sick and worried . I’ve looked into what was mentioned about the freedom program and have bought this online thing for 12 . I’m not sure wifi it’s the right one but it says it’s accompanied by the book living with dominator so I’m assuming I’ve got the right thing ?

@Meesechelt I was going to ask how you are.

Please confide in someone face to face in your life, friend, family, therapist

Once you say it out loud it's real and scary but you are the victim.

EVEN IF it wasn't him (it is) you have free will, no human is tied to another for life.

You only get one life make it about you, it's going to be hard but you can do it and you can get help.

Look after yourself first and foremost

This man is abusing you. You are in an abusive relationship. You can't fix this.
Please leave him.

Well done OP, keep reading as much as possible about coercive control and the wide variety of abusive relationships that exist.

Don't slide back into accepting the way he treats you

Yes it is sad. You can and will grieve for the relationship, the man you hoped he would be etc. Grieve and cry but try to move forwards, not back.