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Original poster

How do you get rid of a saviour complex?

40 replies

lifecanbebeautiful · 23/07/2021 17:12

I'm not sure if I have a saviour complex exactly, but I've only ever dated people with mental health issues and when I've been with them I've wanted to help them. I'd really like my next relationship to be with someone who's mentally healthy where we can mutually support each other, but I feel like to be attracted to that type of person I have to change myself first. Does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 23/07/2021 17:43

It's hard. Once you have that need to help people it's hard to break it. The need to feel needed is strong

What sort of mental health issues have your exs had

Original poster
lifecanbebeautiful · 23/07/2021 18:17

@Sideorderofchips

It's hard. Once you have that need to help people it's hard to break it. The need to feel needed is strong

What sort of mental health issues have your exs had

It definitely is strong! They both had depression and an eating disorder.
OP posts:
Sideorderofchips · 23/07/2021 18:20

I understand where you are coming from.

I'm the same and I'm trying to work out what is actually a normal relationship now

FriedasCarLoad · 23/07/2021 18:23

Do you have time to do some voluntary work (eg Samaritans) so that that aspect of your character has an outlet other than your relationships?

Original poster
lifecanbebeautiful · 23/07/2021 18:29

@Sideorderofchips I hope you can figure it out, it's really hard.

@FriedasCarLoad I have done similar because I thought it would help, but it actually made the feeling stronger because it just emphasized to me how good it is to feel needed and how good it feels to help people.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 23/07/2021 18:29

Sounds a bit like codependency issues.

I think in future be mindful that if it comes out relatively early in dating someone (say before the two year mark definately) that someone has these issues, then that's your que to walk away. It's not selfish to protect your own mental health. And you don't owe anyone a relationship.

ItPearl · 23/07/2021 18:29

Yeh i had this. I think i needed to feel i was earning my right to be in the relationship 😢😳. Then, i went ouut with a man a bit like myself and he would never let me do anything to help him. He would do anything for me though. If i asked but i did not take advantage like his previous gf. He'd never let me buy him so much as a cup of tea. But he was quite determined and assertive. No door mat. His mum died of alcoholism and i didnt need him. I think that was good for him. I just wanted him because he was good company. Think we were good for each other, soid recommend going out with somebody who wont take help of any description. I think it changed me.

YeokensYegg · 23/07/2021 18:39

Make a list of your values and boundaries.

For example. I don't date drug addicts, criminals, etc.
When it's clear in black and white it's easier to not even entertain the thought of dating someone like that.

Daydrambeliever · 23/07/2021 18:40

Forget about relationships for a while and spend some time figuring out why you need to be the ”saviour”.

MadMadMadamMim · 23/07/2021 18:43

You sing Row row row your boat to yourself...

You need to row your own boat through life and navigate what you can, as best you can. What you don't do is stand up in your boat, making it rock, clamber into someone else's boat and take up their oars to row for them.

You can't steer them in a direction you think they should go in, you shouldn't attempt to take over their life and rescue them.

TheFoundations · 23/07/2021 19:13

Where does the urge come from? Did you take care of someone when you were growing up?

category12 · 23/07/2021 19:17

Therapy?

Look at co-dependence.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/07/2021 19:17

An addict parent is the most common cause of this.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/07/2021 19:20

Codependency, as PPs said.

There’s tonnes online/on YouTube to learn from. But therapy is the best place to really tackle it.

TheFoundations · 23/07/2021 19:23

I think that ultimately, you have to realise that it's ok being who you are. You just have to pick a partner who doesn't bring out the unhealthy parts of you.

You don't have to change yourself. You just have to find the right people.

OppsUpsSide · 23/07/2021 19:25

There is a co-dependency help group might be worth Googling it

ItPearl · 23/07/2021 19:28

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

An addict parent is the most common cause of this.
Yes or a depressed parent. My x, his mother drank herself to death and my dad spent several periods in a psychiatric hospital, and those were the breaks! We trusted each other and felt safe with each other but neither of us had ever managed a relationship with anybody else.
HappyWipings · 23/07/2021 19:33

Work out why you do it.

I chose 'projects' because I saw my mum picking up after my alcoholic father. After I worked that out my type changed in an instant!

Original poster
lifecanbebeautiful · 23/07/2021 20:33

I'll have a little google about co-dependency and the co-dependency help group people have mentioned.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation @ItPearl one of my biological parents was an alcoholic, but not the people who raised me. I don't know how much DNA factors into it?

@HappyWipings @Daydrambeliever I just know that helping people makes me feel good about myself, I've been trying to figure out beyond that but no luck yet.

OP posts:
smackeroonies · 23/07/2021 21:00

I am / was like this too. A lot of it is loneliness and insecurity. Both of which actually get worse as a result of being taken advantage of as a result of co-dependency, always being there as an emotional, mental, physical pick up / mop up service 24-7. It's an addictive behaviour in a way, self medicating on being needed.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/07/2021 21:11

I used to be this way and a real eye opening counselling session made me realise what was actually going on.

She said "could it be that you don't believe somebody will want you and so you seek out people who will need you?"

I had spent the previous decade in relationships where I martyred myself to fulfil this role of long suffering helper and rescuer because I thought that to be needed was to be loved.

It also became part of my identity (of my own making) and a default setting. But it was selfish in a way as I was projecting my insecurities by approaching people as projects I could help fix (without knowing I was doing so, but doing so nonetheless) and therefore often became an enabler to boot.

In reality though, being with someone who doesn't need you to survive, but enthusiastically and without additional support (outside of the level in a healthy relationship or course) wants you to be their partner is healthy love.

To be wanted just as you are and not needed is healthy, fun, loving and life changing.

Something worth thinking about in case it could apply to you too Thanks

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/07/2021 21:33

Get a job that makes you feel needed. Or volunteer to get those warm feels of knowing you've done what you can to make a difference to something/someone else - you'll also develop skills in not losing boundaries.

When it comes to relationships, don't look for the same. It's your job or what you do on your own terms, not what your home life should be.

HappyWipings · 23/07/2021 21:57

I forgot to add op , that it wasn't only seeing my Mother pick up after my alcoholic father that made me choose projects , it was also guilt. Guilt that I couldn't save him from himself. Crazy , I know.

Could you possibly feel guilty for not being there for your alcoholic biological parent? Do you possibly feel that you could've helped them? Obviously that's not a child's responsibility, but I thought I'd put it out there.

2020in2020 · 23/07/2021 22:07

This is me. I second @youvegottenminuteslynn - after a lot of counselling and work on myself it boiled down to a serious lack of self esteem, which happened after I was in an abusive relationship.

I didn’t believe I was a good enough person to be loved because the person I loved had hurt me = I’m not good enough for them which is why they hurt me. So after that I demonstrated my worth by “helping” people. Like you, this means all my relationships since have been with pretty toxic people with mental health issues, or toxic self involved people using mental illness as an excuse for poor behaviour. I kept thinking if I could “fix” or “rescue” them, they would love me. What usually happened was that they took complete advantage of me and gave nothing back.

It’s hard but you have to start putting boundaries up. Don’t answer that text. See if they get in touch with you first rather than checking in - this worked for me the last time. Once he had sorted his issues (with a lot of help from me) he never bothered to get in touch. It hurt. But I stopped “checking in” on him. And I’m a lot more conscious of saying no to people now and protecting my time and energy.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 23/07/2021 23:46

@lifecanbebeautiful

I'll have a little google about co-dependency and the co-dependency help group people have mentioned.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation @ItPearl one of my biological parents was an alcoholic, but not the people who raised me. I don't know how much DNA factors into it?

@HappyWipings @Daydrambeliever I just know that helping people makes me feel good about myself, I've been trying to figure out beyond that but no luck yet.

Usually trace back to something in childhood. Low self esteem, feeling responsible for a parents mental or physical health, even if that parent didn't raise you, being a carer for siblings, being made to feel like you can't do anything right by parents, traumaa from being raised by someone other than Bio parents. I don't think it's automatically traumatic, but some people do find it traumatic to lose their Bio parents.

I know I found losing my mother traumatic. She all but abandoned us. My Dad is a lovely person, but he suffered bouts of depression throughout my childhood and has PTSD from his parents' abuse and from being married to a Narcissist. I felt responsible for helping him through it and for caring for my siblings. And now I've spent years feeling guilty for DH behaviour in our marriage and like it's my responsibility to fix everything. It's hard to let go of the things you learn in childhood. I've been waiting for a while to get counseling, hopefully that can help me break free. I think it's something you need help with, whether it's therapy or a support group or even starting to read on codependency, it's something you need to actively work on changing. Patterns of behaviour are hard to break, but it's very much possible. Especially if you can access outside support.