How do you get rid of a saviour complex?

[lifecanbebeautiful]

I'm not sure if I have a saviour complex exactly, but I've only ever dated people with mental health issues and when I've been with them I've wanted to help them. I'd really like my next relationship to be with someone who's mentally healthy where we can mutually support each other, but I feel like to be attracted to that type of person I have to change myself first. Does anyone have any tips?

@2020in2020 "I didn’t believe I was a good enough person to be loved because the person I loved had hurt me = I’m not good enough for them which is why they hurt me. So after that I demonstrated my worth by “helping” people. Like you, this means all my relationships since have been with pretty toxic people with mental health issues, or toxic self involved people using mental illness as an excuse for poor behaviour. I kept thinking if I could “fix” or “rescue” them, they would love me. What usually happened was that they took complete advantage of me and gave nothing back."

This is what my marriage became, me feeling worthless because he stopped saying I love you, eventually told me he didn't 'think' he did, but wasn't sure, which made me feel worthless and me desperately trying to fix things and earn his love back.

My mother does this and in her case it’s because poor self-esteem means she prefers to surround herself with people who are ill or vulnerable or lonely. I think it gives her a sense of power — she’s completely unaware of this, but I do think it’s that.

Good luck op

@YeokensYegg

Make a list of your values and boundaries.

For example. I don't date drug addicts, criminals, etc.
When it's clear in black and white it's easier to not even entertain the thought of dating someone like that.

This.

Definitely make a list... you will learn that it is just not worth your sanity and emotional well-being a martyr for wasters or absolute slimeball losers at worst.

could it be that you don't believe somebody will want you and so you seek out people who will need you?

@youvegottenminuteslynn Your counsellor absolutely nailed it! A very succinct summing up of why I used to be drawn to "damaged" people.

My late husband was the same way. When we were splitting up he threw at me "Women only get with me when they need me! Once I've helped them get stronger they fuck off!"

I said "Maybe you need to think about why you're drawn to women who you perceive as weak and vulnerable." He didn't like that!

This is a great thread.

Would recommend reading "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie as a starting point. It's easy to read but very insightful.

@lifecanbebeautiful even though the alcoholic parent wasn't the one who raised you, the initial dynamic between your parents could have been passed on to you.

I know my parents together are a highly functioning strong unit but my mother is the most psycho-rigid controlling person I can imagine (I'm not allowed my own perspective) and my father is her institutionalised foot soldier. He 100% enables her. But from the outside they look like great people and nobody would be able to comprehend how completely they fucked up my ability to have any sort of healthy relationship.

Alan Robarge and Brianna McWilliams have videos on youtube about how to shift your attachment style while you're single. They were helpful. But I know it's more than just ''attachment style''.

That feeling that you need to be looking after somebody else, if it's how you were hard wired, it is a hard one to break.

A few times I had a healthy dynamic going on to begin with and yet somehow contributed to slipping in to an unhealthy dynamic. Because it's how I roll if my unconscious is in control.

I'm single now. I plan to stay this way but I think it's a fascinating subject.

There are 8 videos in this series and he has another which is specifically titled how to change your attachment style while your single! which made sense to me.

I have watched a lot of these.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I've spent a lot of time thinking about your comment since I read it last night, and I think you may be right. It's nothing to do with what other posters have suggested, but more because I didn't start dating or have my first kiss etc till I was in my early 20s and I've always felt like there was something wrong with me and unlovable about me because of that. The reality has much more to do with me not figuring out my sexuality until that age, but it doesn't really process through my head like that. Thank you for your comment, I'm not really sure what to do next though.

@lifecanbebeautiful

I'm not sure if I have a saviour complex exactly, but I've only ever dated people with mental health issues and when I've been with them I've wanted to help them. I'd really like my next relationship to be with someone who's mentally healthy where we can mutually support each other, but I feel like to be attracted to that type of person I have to change myself first. Does anyone have any tips?

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if already mentioned. Have a look at the "drama triangle" and see if you can relate to it. There's a really good link somewhere that also refers to it as the "victim triangle" and I think this is true. You shouldn't be in the triangle at all- you should be outside, able to see everything from a witness box. See what you think.

Are there things in your life you are not happy with, but it is easier and less painful not to focus on those and instead, become absorbed with your OHs difficulties. A bit like being able to block out your own difficult stuff?

Do you feel ‘help’ ‘support’ is the only thing you can offer someone?Are you not enough as you are, just being you. Or do you feel less than, and people will only want you for what you can do for them rather than who you are?

Your needs get push to one side when looking after others. I would suggest that you spend time with focusing on working out your needs, likes and dislikes.

If you are anything like me, you’ll realise that you don’t know what you want or who you are. Others are a nice distraction from that!

Your epiphany is all wrapped up in co-dependency though!!

I had the same, I felt like a man was doing me a favour by being with me (but I felt so inherently inadequate and unattractive) so I had to EARN a place in a relationship by giving / caring/ curing / healing.......

I couldnt' just be there because I was loved and desired.

It's all intertwined op.

That drama triangle is eye opening.... and it's my parents' marriage. They make themselves feel superior by casting me in the role of ''troubled'' and they can be very oppressive with their narrative of me. Any perspective I have about reality, them, myself makes them so angry. So, I object to their narratives, I push back, and then that brings them closer together as they feel like the victims of me (objecting to their projection) and they cast me in the role of persecutor when the conflict started because they projected their low self esttem on to me to feel superior.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I used to be this way and a real eye opening counselling session made me realise what was actually going on.

She said "could it be that you don't believe somebody will want you and so you seek out people who will need you?"

I had spent the previous decade in relationships where I martyred myself to fulfil this role of long suffering helper and rescuer because I thought that to be needed was to be loved.

It also became part of my identity (of my own making) and a default setting. But it was selfish in a way as I was projecting my insecurities by approaching people as projects I could help fix (without knowing I was doing so, but doing so nonetheless) and therefore often became an enabler to boot.

In reality though, being with someone who doesn't need you to survive, but enthusiastically and without additional support (outside of the level in a healthy relationship or course) wants you to be their partner is healthy love.

To be wanted just as you are and not needed is healthy, fun, loving and life changing.

Something worth thinking about in case it could apply to you too

Good post. This is co-dependency in a nut shell and this poster is saying the same as the other posters but it's expressed fantastically well.

I know i did this.