Well meant comments or digs?

[Orangedots]

Person A brings home some cakes/biscuits/chocolate gifts from the end of term at work.

Person B (family member) says they need to think about which of them they will or won’t eat as they’ll waste their summer and put on ‘atleast a stone’ if they eat them all.

Person B is fairly obsessed with weight and tells person A very regularly that they’re damaging their health/need to exercise more and lose weight. Comments on what they eat and tells them they have ‘wasted the day’ if they’ve eaten badly.

They have been called out on such comments but tell person A it’s only because they love them so much and want them to be healthy.

It’s hard to tell if they are well meant or digs. Anyone experienced similar?

Give the goodies away to a night shelter or similar misses point of thread

If it's your husband he should STFU. Tbh 6 stone overweight is a lot. Were you as big when you met him? If so he needs to do one and leave you alone.

@Orangedots

To answer some questions, yes person A does need to lose weight. (Around 6 ish stone).

Person B helpfully reminds them of this every day.

If my spouse were overweight and kept eating rubbish food, I would be quite upset by it. I'm just being honest.

@BillMasen

Depends

If A is a woman then B is an arse
If A is a man then B is concerned, or perfectly reasonably less attracted to A

This.

Does person A moan / lament about their weight to person B?

Has a asked b for their help and support? Does a moan about their weight and willpower?
Is person b worried about As health or their looks?
6 stone overweight is morbid obesity but bs approach is not helpful. Feeling humiliated is not motivating!

Person A is an adult. They know their diet isn't good. It's counter productive to keep banging on about it.

Well being six stone overweight is a serious health concern as I'm sure you know.

If you were big when you met him but he somehow thinks he's entitled to change then you should tell him to do one.

If you were big but you have made plans for change together in the interest of a healthier future / kids / whatever then the sight of you arriving home laden down with sweets and treads would be utterly infuriating. I think B was well within their rights to point out the consequences of this and suggest an alternative plan now.

If this weight gain has been during your relationship and showing no signs of stopping or reversing then really I think you and B need an honest talk. It's your body and you're entitled to do what you like with it but he's also entitled to be worried / not attracted.

@BillMasen

Depends

If A is a woman then B is an arse
If A is a man then B is concerned, or perfectly reasonably less attracted to A

Why can't it be the other way round ?

Tricky one. Does person A want to lose weight? Or have they been advised to by their GP?
Do they suffer any health issues due to being overweight?

If person A is absolutely happy with themselves and their weight and has no health concerns, then person B needs to wind it in and just support person A with who they are.

If person A sometimees infers they are not so happy with themselves or that there are health issues which are concerning, then person B is probably trying to help and isn't going about it perhaps the right kind of way.

Does person B show person A lots of love regardless? And its just this which is the problem?

I've been heavier and lighter in my life. Some people felt the need to comment - sometimes through a gentle nudge; others were absolutely malignant. One in particular kept telling me i was big despite losing alot of weight and was very slim, and then telling their pal i was starving myself!! Vile.
It's grim being on the receiving end of daily reminders you're overweight. Person B may not be driven by a malignant motive and it could be more a reflection of how they view their own weight/health. However, the end result is about exerting control over another's habits. Those scenarios rarely end well. Person B has made it clear what they think and needs to stfu.

Person B may be coming from a good place
Person A already knows they are overweight and might be desperate to do something about it

Hearing this daily will not help

I am reminded of my ex saying to me once .. I already know the toilet seat is loose , I will do it
You do not need to remind me every 6 months

Tbh OP i think your relationship is at crisis point.

You've either put six stone on six you met him and he doesn't find you attractive anymore and he is nagging at you to lose weight

OR

You were already this weight and he is trying to change you.

For me it wasn't nice being with some one that physically changed them self so much they were unrecognisable.I didnt sign up for that. I loved him but wasn't attracted to him, the relationship deteriorated.

Person B needs to 1. STFU and 2. get some support for their disordered feelings about eating.

@layladomino

Context is important.

If person A has previously said 'I desperately want to lose 2 stone, please, I don't feel healthy, please support me' then that's what person B is doing.

If person A has had a warning from a GP that their weight is threatening their health, then person B is coming from a position of concern.

If you reframe the whole conversation around alcohol rather than foosd, and person A has been drinking too much / drink is affecting their health then would you argue that person B should keep their opinions to themselves?

However, if person A is perfectly happy with the weight / hasn't expressed any wish for support to lose weight then person B shouldn't keep forcing their opinion on them.

Person B isn't being supportive at all.

Person B is having a dig at Person A every time, and couching it as "concern".

Telling A on a regular basis that they need to lose weight, that they eat too much, that they're damaging their health, that they've had a bad eating day, making comments about their diet and specific food is not the way to be supportive and helpful.

I would find the comments to be very draining and unsupportive.

I'm surprised A isn't a walking ball of tension just waiting for the next 'helpful' comment. A knows they need to lose 6 stone, and that's hard enough to do without someone almost constantly having a go at them.

I think with these constant reminders, A is all to cognicent of what B's opinions are, do they really need them expressing over and over again?

Well being six stone overweight is a serious health concern as I'm sure you know.

Exactly, A doesn't need persistent reminders of this. How to completely demoralise someone and make damn sure they feel so crap about themselves they never sort their weight out!

A might find they lost weight more quickly if B fucked off somewhere.

If my spouse was six stone overweight and bringing junk food into the house, I would probably say something too.

Is person a trying to loose weight? The comment on them “wasting a day” would indicate they are, which I can then see why if they then traipsed in with a lot of shit food there might be concern from b, a potentially may not be able to control themselves round certain foods. Is that correct?

I suspect b is trying to help a, and a is trying to loose weight, but simply doesn’t want to hear it from b.

If that’s the case then a needs to tell b that and then just crack on as they please. Nothing b says is helping a, even if well intentioned.

If this is a romantic relationship and weight gain throughout the relationship it may be causing issues in terms of physical attraction, so an honest discussion is required there also.

What a can’t do is expect to whinge about their weight, ask for support in their diet, and then complain if b comments proactively and tries to help.

We have friends where the wife has gained this sort of weight. The husband is concerned but from a health perspective, he’s worried about her life expectancy. She also has significant health issues excaberated by the weight, however it’s not a subject that he can broach, as she’d rip his throat out.

Honestly, I know it doesn't help when loved ones talk like person B, and I know how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of such comments, but I don't think they are being unkind. They are probably genuinely worried and just don't understand why these comments are unhelpful. And, tbh, if someone is 6 stone overweight, it's time to choose not to bring home vast quantities of sugary stuff from work. Leave it for other people. Person A knows this, but if they keep making health-damaging choices, then they have to accept that loved ones will speak up about them.

put on ‘atleast a stone’ if they eat them all.

I'm impressed that person A managed to carry >6kg of chocolate into the house. A must have quite strong arms.

If A is a woman then B is an arse
If A is a man then B is concerned, or perfectly reasonably less attracted to A

I hope this is a joke!!

I saw my own mother die early of diabetes complications, so I would hope that Person A takes the stuff and dumps it straight in the bin, but Person B is not, I take it, in the Diplomatic Service.

Weight loss is really hard and can make people desperate, either if they're trying to lose weight or if they see someone they love throwing years of healthy life down the loo. This can lead to frustration and resentment.

If A and B love each other they should listen to each other, cherish each other, and cut themselves some slack.

B is a knob

So is person B your daughter or your husband?

Tell them it's easy to lose weight - it's not easy to lose a nasty personality.