Husband checking out girls

[Bambam72]

I've been married for 20 years, my DH and myself were on holiday in a restaurant when the waitress ( in her early twenties) to take our order, she then bent over to open a window and my husband stared at her behind for too long, he has always had an eye for the ladies( he checks them out all the time but denies it) but this has me really upset, I am a reasonal good looking woman and not overweight, I feel this behaviour will only get worse as I get older, we are in separate beds and I asked him to leave.as I've had enough of everything at the moment, i feel really anxious when i am about him now, ps we also have a daughter at this waitresses age and this has made it worse, any help would be appreciated

Thank you

Thanks for the advice

@DoingItMyself

How can we help? I believe all men look at women, but decent ones try not to and men who want other people to think well of them cover it well. Or save it for when their partners aren't around. I'm glad you're not overweight. That allows you to feel superior to any woman who is. It doesn't endear you to a reader, but it gives you obvious satisfaction so it has some value. Your husband looks at women his daughter's age. That's a bit creepy. You've asked him to leave. Has he gone? Is he staying 'gone'? Or are you just making a point? You have to decide whether you can live with a sleazy old git (who has a lot in common with other men his age) or not.

@DoingItMyself Brilliant reply - especially with regards to the overweight comment.

[quote Bookworm20]@Shellady

Right, zero point mentioning physique. We'll all blindly put our heads in the sand then shall we and assume the oogly men, who do not appear to be going away anytime soon, don't in fact mainly oogle over young, slim and attractive girls. Sorry but thats a pretty sad blatant fact.

And the OP was not justifying why her husband should or should not be looking at another woman. How did you get to that conclusion based on her describing the woman and her herself? It was to add context to the scenario.

Some people just take offence for offence sake. You are one of them.[/quote]
No bookworm you clearly lack empathy for people who may be overweight ( of whom several people I happen to care about are ) and the implied comments made all the time amd also lack insight into why it’s important women don’t take on the belief that their bodies have any responsibility for men’s behaviour
You may call it taking offence , it’s called having sensitivity to important issues , maybe you should try it

Ughh I couldn't abide by my partner checking out other women when I was with him. Of course I wouldn't like it when I'm not there...but he was doing this with you sat right there. Would you check out an attractive man when your DH is with you? I doubt it because that would be disrespectful to your DH.

[quote updownroundandround]@Bambam72

Unfortunately you already know that he won't change

He did this when you were younger, and he'll continue to do it no matter how old you are or what you look like , because he's never respected either you or the other women

It just seems worse for you now because you're seeing what a horribly sleazy perv he's become, because he's now doing it to women the same age as your daughter.

But it's never been OK for him to openly stare/ogle at any woman, because it shows such a lack of respect for the women, as well as a huge sense of his bloody entitlement ! Blech

It's just up to you whether you're prepared to put up with it any longer....[/quote]
This !

And OP just because people have pointed out that your own weight is not relevant DONT think people are having a go at you
Most of us have been in relationships where men have been overly concerned with appearance and behaved badly , it CAN make us feel why are they doing this because they have us but it’s NOTHING to do with what they have or don’t have . Nothing . It’s about deficits within him not you !
Building our self esteem and knowing our true worth is a powerful approach

Poor OP. Some of the replies are really shitty on here. No wonder she hasn’t come back.

So if you're overweight then it's fair game for your husband to check out girls who could be his daughter ... got it

I can pretty.much guarantee that if the OP hadn't said she was I'm and reasonably attractive someone would have suggested she lost weight, sorted out her image, booked in a cut and colour at the haridressers, bought clothes that flattered her figure...

I can pretty much guarantee it because I've been told to do the same before on threads on here.

I suspect that, as much as anything, she was just pre-empting suggestions like that.

@Shellady

No bookworm you clearly lack empathy for people who may be overweight

You may call it taking offence , it’s called having sensitivity to important issues , maybe you should try it

How do you know I'm not overweight? Perhaps I just don't take offence when someone calls a spade a spade.

I have heaps of sensitivity to important issues thanks, but clearly the easily offended fat people on here have made it all about themselves and how it shouldn't matter or even be mentioned that the OP might be (god forbid! SLIM!) . Of course it shouldn't matter but if you think most men oogle over ugly fat old women you're seriously deluded. And no one said if his wife was ugly, fat and old that he'd be justified in doing so either!

Oogly men are not right on any level. No one on here has said he is justfiied in doing what he did, whatever his wife looks like. Whatever the woman hes oogling looks like. No one.

Perhaps stop being so offended, get some sensitivuity yourself and actually support the OP. A woman, like yourself, who has found herself with a letchy old bloke husband and is asking advice on what best to do about it.

So if you were overweight you would deserve it? I used to be a size 6 or 8 years ago and my ex at the time checked out other women, he was abusive but that's irrelevant. All men look at nice looking women, I do it with men but love my partner and find him more attractive than anyone ever. Also I now a size 12/14 my face hasn't changed despi being 31 now and I have never had so much attention from guys

@Sparklfairy

PPs picking apart the overweight comment are being disingenuous.

You think the DH checks out ugly fat women? No.

He checks out young, good looking, slim women. She's saying she's 2 out of 3 and still doesn't feel good enough.

Exactly. People generally find people of healthy weights more attractive than those who are overweight, nothing strange about that. I suspect the posters who took offense are overwight themselves.

Jesus some prickly souls on here completely projecting their insecurities onto the poor OP. It's obvious why she said what she did about her appearance. She never said overweight people deserve to be disrespected she was simply adding context.

Her husband obvuousky shouldn't be a pervy creep regardless and I wouldn't be happy about it either OP. Sadly I think huge swathes of men are rotten creeps. I distinctly remember my dad doing this when I was late teens and the women he was looking at were not much older than me. It made me deeply uncomfortable. Luckily my mum divorced the disrespectful pig. Hopefully you'll find your worth and do the same.

@Recessed

Jesus some prickly souls on here completely projecting their insecurities onto the poor OP. It's obvious why she said what she did about her appearance. She never said overweight people deserve to be disrespected she was simply adding context.

Her husband obvuousky shouldn't be a pervy creep regardless and I wouldn't be happy about it either OP. Sadly I think huge swathes of men are rotten creeps. I distinctly remember my dad doing this when I was late teens and the women he was looking at were not much older than me. It made me deeply uncomfortable. Luckily my mum divorced the disrespectful pig. Hopefully you'll find your worth and do the same.

Agreed

[quote Bookworm20]@Shellady

No bookworm you clearly lack empathy for people who may be overweight

You may call it taking offence , it’s called having sensitivity to important issues , maybe you should try it

How do you know I'm not overweight? Perhaps I just don't take offence when someone calls a spade a spade.

I have heaps of sensitivity to important issues thanks, but clearly the easily offended fat people on here have made it all about themselves and how it shouldn't matter or even be mentioned that the OP might be (god forbid! SLIM!) . Of course it shouldn't matter but if you think most men oogle over ugly fat old women you're seriously deluded. And no one said if his wife was ugly, fat and old that he'd be justified in doing so either!

Oogly men are not right on any level. No one on here has said he is justfiied in doing what he did, whatever his wife looks like. Whatever the woman hes oogling looks like. No one.

Perhaps stop being so offended, get some sensitivuity yourself and actually support the OP. A woman, like yourself, who has found herself with a letchy old bloke husband and is asking advice on what best to do about it.[/quote]
@Bookworm20
Although some people may be ‘ offended ‘ by the OPS stating she’s slim I’m not . Im however , pointing out to the op the irrelevance of her body size to whether it’s ok her husband behaves like he does or not . Why? Because this internalised blaming of herself and thinking women’s bodies are responsible for men’s eyes is a huge part of the issue. It has zero to do with who men look at .

I couldn’t care less if a man look at thin, fat or whatever sizes women . . It’s HIS issues ,NOT the woman’s ( either the wife nor the other women ) It’s about respect !

As for empathy , yes it’s important that women realise many women blame themselves and their bodies these for men’s behaviour and that we stand by one another in our language and don’t reinforce the societal mysogynisy of , men should be satisfied and behave respectfully because he ‘ has a thing woman ‘

This may not have been what the OP meant but language matters which is why so many people spoke up .

Either way , she seems to think her weight is in some way relevant and IMO opinion ITS got zero relevance to whether a man behaves in a pervy way .

Letting OP know her know that her body shape and size doesn’t matter is important , he’s being disrespectful and that’s the bottom line !

@Chunkymenrock

No response from the OP?

I really can't imagine why all this bickering and piling-on would discourage OP.

It’s a shame OP has not come back . People are going to disagree, that’s human nature .
At the end of the day the consensus message that seems to be coming from people here is that nothing she is doing is causing his behaviour

Hopefully that message is helpful to OP .

If you are still reading op-

I assume more has happened and this is the straw that broke the camels back?

I wouldn’t like it but I wouldn’t leave because of it. If I loved him I would be talking to him about mutual expectations and what has happened to our relationship.

Only you can decide where you go from here.

As for the weight comments. I read it as someone desperately trying to find out why their Dh no longer pays them attention and is trying to reason with herself. A why me, what’s wrong with me. It’s not you, it’s him.

Get thee to the bun cupboard op.

You can't win, you try to stay trim for your own confidence but don't ever confess that publicly as you will get slaughted.

By the way your weight has nothing to do with with your rude, insensitive husband oggling women young enough to be his daughter, he's just one of those unimaginative arses that is stimulated by youth with no intellegence and understanding that emotions connected with sex make the best kind of relationships.

In other words he's immature and not really in your intellegence bracket.
I'd find a brighter model.

God. What a depressing thread.

Of course most creeps that eye up women perv on young, slim, attractive women. Not news, and the faux bafflement at the OP's comments is pathetic.

Similarly it's creepy as hell for your husband to be eyeing up women his daughter's age OP. 🤢 How embarrassing, even if he was single. Grim.

I'd ditch a man for much less.

@Shellady

Although some people may be ‘ offended ‘ by the OPS stating she’s slim I’m not . Im however , pointing out to the op the irrelevance of her body size to whether it’s ok her husband behaves like he does or not . Why? Because this internalised blaming of herself and thinking women’s bodies are responsible for men’s eyes is a huge part of the issue.

Well I am sure the OP is most grateful for you 'pointing' this out to her.

Absolutely not what she was asking and you've missed her point entirely. But I'm sure you've helped her immensely.

In fact I'm sure now that she's been well and truly told and realises that she was actually all along secretly internally blaming herself and her body for her husbands wandering eye, she feels so much better.

As you're so incredibly wise on the matter, could you clarify this, so the rest of us don't fall foul to these new rules:
We mustn't describe ourselves as attractive if we're slim. Because thats implying fat people aren't attractive. Is that right?
But we can describe ourselves as attractive if we're fat? Because that shows confidence in our bodies. Is that right?

It's all very confusing.

And OP, I hope you're OK and ignored all those jumping on you, who spectacularly missed the point of your thread.

My husband used to do this so after years, I decided to call him out on it every time. I decided not to worry about annoying him by going on about it. I ask whether he thinks the young woman enjoys being letched at by a middle aged man who's sat next to his wife, I ask how he'll feel when it's his daughter being stared at and I point out that this kind of behaviour makes him deeply unattractive to me and any other women who notice. It does work. He used to do it a lot but he has now improved!