Husband checking out girls

[Bambam72]

I've been married for 20 years, my DH and myself were on holiday in a restaurant when the waitress ( in her early twenties) to take our order, she then bent over to open a window and my husband stared at her behind for too long, he has always had an eye for the ladies( he checks them out all the time but denies it) but this has me really upset, I am a reasonal good looking woman and not overweight, I feel this behaviour will only get worse as I get older, we are in separate beds and I asked him to leave.as I've had enough of everything at the moment, i feel really anxious when i am about him now, ps we also have a daughter at this waitresses age and this has made it worse, any help would be appreciated

The OP may have been brought up to think that slim = attractive, or that young = attractive, or whatever. It sounds to me like she was trying to explain the situation in a way that points out that although she is an attractive woman herself, her partner checks out younger women. As an older woman myself I know that that can be frustrating/annoying at the best of times.
We're all riddled with sub-conscious biases anyway, aren't we.
My advice FWIW to the OP would be to realise her own self-worth that does not revolve around how many men do or do not look at her. As for what to do about the husband who stares too long at younger women, someone must point out to him that it is wrong to do this. He is making other people feel uncomfortable, potentially, and making OP feel anxious, and he needs to stop staring.

I’m overweight, and other women’s husbands stare and hit on me all the time. It’s nothing to do with your level of attractiveness OP, it’s that your husband does not sufficiently respect you to be considerate of your feelings, that would be what I’d find upsetting. All heterosexual men look at women they find attractive, the decent ones do it discretely, or at least not in front of their partners.

Do you still engage in sex with your husband, if your in separate beds and not still intimate you cant expect the guy to just not look at attractive females elsewhere, he isn't a eunuch.

[quote Sparklfairy]@Shellady well you and I know that. But OPs self esteem sounds like its taking a beating from this so we could cut her some slack for thinking like this.[/quote]
Maybe her self esteem will improve if she starts challenging her idea that her self value lies within her weight , age , appearance etc , which is why I think people are raising this issue with her thinking , not to put her down

I'm currently overweight and not a bit offended by your remark op. I'm usually goodlooking but not so much right now, temporary though. I'm not sure why people missed the point - you're just saying you're naturally goodlooking and have a good figure I assume.

Anyway to move on. I don't think this was abotu the waitress. I mean really, his gaze could have strayed to her and then he could have been thinking about something. There is more going on or you wouldn't be posting here. Why are you in separate beds?

‘ Of course not. The damaging effect of behaviour like this on their partners is that they turn the blame of the behaviour onto themselves. Shes simply wondering on an anonymous forum "why is he treating me like this even though i apparently fit his ideal of a woman worth checking out"

Amd yes I understand this is why she is doing this but internalising the mysogyny of her husband and society about ‘women worth checking out ie slim and women not worth checking out fat or ugly ‘ needs to be questioned, not agreed with or left unchallenged

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

I’m fat and ugly. My DP doesn’t prev on other women. Do I win?

I love this

I’m 50 my husband doesn’t check women out
Maybe I win ?

Oh for goodness sake the OP was just pointing out that she considered herself still an attractive woman, whom her husband should still find attractive. He was staring at an attractive, slim, young waitress. So obviously thats the type he is into.
OP was just pointing out why he'd do that when he had her.
I did not read that as her saying fat people are unattractive, but lets face it. Most men who oogle opening after women, do so to the young, slim and attractive ones. Not the overweight, ugly and old ones.

No, I win. I live alone, I'm fat and ugly and men try it on all the time. You wouldn't believe me if I told you some of the names. Really. Lockdown slowed me down but locals have been trying to plug the gaps.

Even if you weren't "reasonal good looking woman and not overweight"** your husband shouldn't be behaving like that. That poor waitress doesn't exist for the benefit of your husband and his behaviour is disrespectful to you and the waitress. What a creep!

It's not worth the hit to your self esteem staying with a man who will so blatantly perv on other women when he's with you.

@Bookworm20

Oh for goodness sake the OP was just pointing out that she considered herself still an attractive woman, whom her husband should still find attractive. He was staring at an attractive, slim, young waitress. So obviously thats the type he is into. OP was just pointing out why he'd do that when he had her. I did not read that as her saying fat people are unattractive, but lets face it. Most men who oogle opening after women, do so to the young, slim and attractive ones. Not the overweight, ugly and old ones.

You may be onto something. I became invisible to men when I reached about 49 and I metaphorically shrugged and put it down to my age. There's actually something quite useful about being invisible. I started planning my future as a cat burglar or pick pocket. Then I lost a couple of stone as a result of training because my BP had been creeping up. A by-product of this was that I got a waist back and hey presto, it seems I am magically visible again (at least past the building site down the road). My DH still looks at younger women though.

@PrettyBlunt

Well, he's a fucking creep isn't he.

Does he realise that women, not girls don't actually like to be stared at and she was innocently opening a window. Jeez, some poor women can't catch a break! She was just doing her job she didn't want some creepy old perv eyeing her up.

You're insecure about it (understandably) and if he still acts like a creep he isn't going to change.

I am a reasonal good looking woman and not overweight

Also, just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they're ugly.

This. How offensive

@Bookworm20

‘Most men who oogle opening after women, do so to the young, slim and attractive ones. Not the overweight, ugly and old ones.’

Yes let’s normalise gross old men looking at women they are old enough to be fathers or grandfathers too
Either way , they look at whoever they look at REGARDLESS of whether their wife is slim
There was zero reason for op to make a point of that anc people are very reasonable to point out this massive flaw in her thinking and her internalised mysogyny

@Shellady challenging her view kindly because it is clearly wrong and down to her self esteem and shit of a husband - fine.

Posters simply taking offence and attacking her for it - not ok in my view. I don't know if its touched a nerve for some posters but tbh thats irrelevant. We all have our hang ups. Fwiw I'm young ish, slim and scrub up ok and never get checked out. Cant get a boyfriend either

@Bookworm20

Most men who oogle opening after women, do so to the young, slim and attractive ones. Not the overweight, ugly and old ones.

Yes let’s normalise gross old men looking at women they are old enough to be fathers or grandfathers too

Sorry how is that statement normalising it? At what point did I say it was ok for men to oogle at young women?

Its absolutely totally wrong. But you're all jumping on OP because she described her physique as slim. Is it only fat people who can describe their physique then? Because if you're slim and you say you think you look attractive its bashing fat people? Jeez, get a grip.

@Wearywithteens

“I’m fat and ugly. My DP doesn’t perv on other women. Do I win?”

Me too. When will women learn? It’s not about their own attractiveness, it’s about men who are ugly inside and think women are meat to slather over. Vile.

👏🏻

[quote Bookworm20]**@Bookworm20

Most men who oogle opening after women, do so to the young, slim and attractive ones. Not the overweight, ugly and old ones.

Yes let’s normalise gross old men looking at women they are old enough to be fathers or grandfathers too

Sorry how is that statement normalising it? At what point did I say it was ok for men to oogle at young women?

Its absolutely totally wrong. But you're all jumping on OP because she described her physique as slim. Is it only fat people who can describe their physique then? Because if you're slim and you say you think you look attractive its bashing fat people? Jeez, get a grip.[/quote]
No people are not all jumping on her beside she described her physique as slim , people are pointing out that there is zero reason to point out her physique AT ALL
You seem to be having trouble in understanding why there’s an issue with justifying why a man should or should not be behaving like this dependant on his wife’s body type

And for the record I’m Talking about the op mentioning she’s slim as if had she been fat it would be understandable and justified for him to behave as he does
This IS flawed thinking and is why people are saying so and it is totally putting down fat people

@Shellady

Right, zero point mentioning physique. We'll all blindly put our heads in the sand then shall we and assume the oogly men, who do not appear to be going away anytime soon, don't in fact mainly oogle over young, slim and attractive girls. Sorry but thats a pretty sad blatant fact.

And the OP was not justifying why her husband should or should not be looking at another woman. How did you get to that conclusion based on her describing the woman and her herself? It was to add context to the scenario.

Some people just take offence for offence sake. You are one of them.

@Shellady

And for the record I’m Talking about the op mentioning she’s slim as if had she been fat it would be understandable and justified for him to behave as he does This IS flawed thinking and is why people are saying so and it is totally putting down fat people

I assumed OP had mentioned that not because she herself thinks it's understandable and justified, but because she knows her husband's preferences and she's pointing out that she fits those preferences.

I can understand why you'd think what you think from the way it was worded though. I would guess the OP was distressed when she posted and that can result in a lack of precision when conveying the situation.

If he is only interested in looks and you have been in different beds for a long time, does it make sense to continue the relationship?

@Bambam72

Unfortunately you already know that he won't change

He did this when you were younger, and he'll continue to do it no matter how old you are or what you look like , because he's never respected either you or the other women

It just seems worse for you now because you're seeing what a horribly sleazy perv he's become, because he's now doing it to women the same age as your daughter.

But it's never been OK for him to openly stare/ogle at any woman, because it shows such a lack of respect for the women, as well as a huge sense of his bloody entitlement ! Blech

It's just up to you whether you're prepared to put up with it any longer....

No response from the OP?

I wouldnt feel happy or be able to respect a man who letched in my presence.

If I see an attractive man I may fleetingly glance but not mentally undress and dry hump him in my head and that's as a single woman....

It's called having a bit of class and discretion.

Nobody wants to be embarrassed or disrespected like this! I think you need to consider if you really want to be with him OP. He doesn't seem to appreciate you or your beauty.