Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating ex suckered me back in AGAIN! What is wrong with me?!?!

34 replies

Helpmyselfff · 23/07/2021 11:24

I let my cheating exdh back into my life AGAIN and yet AGAIN it was all love bombing and future faking then back to usual and back in touch with the OW.

I’m literally been ghosted by my own husband.

I just can’t comprehend how the man I married, the man who fathered our dc’s could treat me so appallingly. But most of all, I’m disappointed in myself for letting him sucker me back in.

How do I ensure this NEVER happens again?

Any similar stories and outcomes?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 23/07/2021 11:49

Don't beat yourself up over it but just remember - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Move on from him and go live your best life

Original poster
Helpmyselfff · 23/07/2021 12:13

I’m probably on “fool me four times” 🤦🏻‍♀️
I feel like he will just keep swanning back in my life and that I’ll let him.

OP posts:
chunderwunder · 23/07/2021 12:15

Have you explored why? You need to work on yourself. Usually needs a bit of therapy/counselling to help you stop repeating the same unhelpful behaviours.

Loveabitofrain · 23/07/2021 13:28

He will see you as his fallback. He will have a row with the OW and think 'ah well doesn't matter I can get attention from my EXW'. Then the OW calms down and back he goes. Shes equally to blame for allowing it too! But you cannot control what she does, only your own actions.

You are in control of stopping it but as another poster said you may need therapy to help you.

Have you properly moved on from him? Some distractions would likely help you keep your mind focused elsewhere. Limit contact with him too and perhaps make it clear that his lot now.

layladomino · 23/07/2021 17:03

You are completely in control of your own actions. Please value yourself more than this. He has proved - multiple times - that he is not to be trusted, that he doesn't value you, that he doesn't respect you or care if he hurts you. Why would you think that he deserves you or that he's a catch?

There are many many people out there who you could be happier with. Being single would also be a much better place than with someone who treats you like he treats you. And every time you let him back in you're telling him that it's OK, he can treat you like rubbish, you'll accept him. Which reinforces his idea that you're lucky to have him and will always come running when he needs a back up or ego massage.

Please, move on. Maybe talk to someone to find out why you value yourself so little. Enjoy being single. Enjoy friendships, work, hobbies. Fill your time so you don't focus so much on him. He is so not worth a second of your thoughts.

litterbird · 23/07/2021 17:05

How do I ensure this NEVER happens again?

Easy, you just dont let him back in again. Simples.

66babe · 23/07/2021 17:06

To ensure this doesn't happen again
Tell the fucker

" keep away from me you total wankstain , our children are all we share from now on , keep it that way or I will rip your balls off "

Something polite like that

nimbuscloud · 23/07/2021 17:07

What on earth must your children be feeling? You and their dad have split multiple times and get back together. That’s one way to screw up their lives. If you can’t do it for you, please do it for them.

Ritascornershop · 23/07/2021 17:12

Is it, in a sense, a fear thing? You may be lonely, wanting affirmation of being wanted, and at least with this idiot you know exactly what the pain is that you’re letting yourself in for? To try and meet a different fella, well god knows what stupid behaviour they might spring on you? There may also be a subconscious pull to seeing if it’ll work out this time as then it wipes the previous nonsense?

Just ideas, it may be something else entirely. But if you can figure out why then maybe you have a better chance of shutting the door on him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/07/2021 17:24

Don't speak to him about anything but the children, don't allow him into your home and don't for a second entertain being "friends"

Write down everything he's done to you on each chance read and re-read it until the penny drops.

WallaceinAnderland · 23/07/2021 17:44

How do I ensure this NEVER happens again?

You have to want to change your behaviour and it doesn't sound like you do.

hahahayoumustbejoking · 23/07/2021 18:32

This sounds harsh but if you can't muster up self respect for yourself to have boundaries then do it for your kids as the damage this will leave will be devastating.

YeokensYegg · 23/07/2021 18:36

Write out all the rotten things he's done.
Write out all his bad habits you hate.
Read it every time you feel like being nice to him.

Cut him completely out of your life except minimal about the children.

Sarahlou63 · 23/07/2021 18:39

Build a mental video of him fucking the OW. See it and hear every time you look at him. That should do it.

Sampafie · 23/07/2021 19:10

Maybe subconciously you see yourself at being in competition with the OW , thats why you keep taking him back. I wouldnt be so hard on myself OP, theres obviously a deeper reason here

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/07/2021 19:13

Write down all the crap he spouted every time he wanted back into your knickers.
Make it into a bingo card.
Keep it handy

OliveToboogie · 23/07/2021 19:41

I read this very recently but a lot of truth in it. "a mistake repeated is a choice". You are choosing to let him treat you like dirt. Unless you want to change it will keep on happening. He obviously sees you as a soft touch. Don't let him use you. Have some respect for yourself because he has absolutely none for you. Sorry.

Original poster
Helpmyselfff · 23/07/2021 20:37

Thanks everyone, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think over. I do have a counsellor and are seeing him on Monday so I shall definitely discuss all this with him

OP posts:
EarthSight · 23/07/2021 22:23

Come on - you must know why you keep doing this. I'm guessing that you either are afraid of being alone, like the drama and the reconciliation, or he has some very good qualities that you just don't want to say goodbye to, no matter what he's behaved like. He doesn't just end up back with you. It's understanding those good things or qualities, understanding how they can be experienced elsewhwre that will allow you to truly move on.

feeficken · 23/07/2021 22:38

@Helpmyselfff don’t be too hard on yourself you clearly love the man and you’ve hoped that he had finally come to realise how much he’s hurt you, problem is we often want to think the best of our DH/DW. Like you I was fool me three times and let my DW convince me to give her another chance only for her to do the same and back in touch with OM and now they are together while she’s living with me in our marital home, it can be hard to let go, it’s gone on for 18 months!

I’m currently exploring with a councillor why is allow myself to be treated that way and it really often stems from low self esteem and putting our spouses on a pedestal. I’d advise you get a councillor and do the same it’s really helped me and I am reaching a point where I am done.

It’s time to put the walls up and protect yourself as this is emotional abuse your accepting and it really can destroy your mental health. Good luck I hope things get better for you soon.

Poodlebear · 24/07/2021 10:44

Hi I am there too husband had an affair told me two years ago was leaving I knew nothing about her pleases him to stay, he works away and for the last two years been coming home and then not. 3 kids and business together been married 20 years, found out about the affair after I got into his phone, did the pick me dance and then he claimed they ended it believe him as saw the emails etc so been bumbling along since. He told her wouldn’t leave me and kids but she still gets in touch with him using withheld number emails him when she is drunk and he keeps replying. Doesn’t instigate
Contact with her but answers her as he feels
Sorry for her and misses her friendship. Keeps coming to a head and I ask him to leave but he says he wants to stay. Not sure how much more I can take as I am constantly looking at his phone don’t trust him, but I am not strong enough to be the one who ends it. 😢

Original poster
Helpmyselfff · 24/07/2021 11:02

@Poodlebear sounds very familiar! I just want to be in a normal healthy loving trusting relationship. After being married this long I didn’t think I would still have to put up with the mind games. Like you, I also don’t feel strong enough to stop. Luckily we don’t live together, he went back to his parents house so at the minute I have gone NC (well as much as I can whilst we have 3 young-ish DCs together

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmyselfff · 24/07/2021 18:19

Update : I asked him outright what the hell was going on and he said his heads not in it, needs to be alone bla bla bla. Didn’t 100% confirm it was over, clearly giving himself an “in” in the future, for when he no doubt changes his mind!
I am beyond livid! He didn’t even apologise. I’m more angry at myself for falling for it yet again. No more now. I’m going to do some journaling tonight when the kids are in bed, so I can look back upon it if he ever tries this again.

OP posts:
litterbird · 25/07/2021 09:09

@Helpmyselfff

Update : I asked him outright what the hell was going on and he said his heads not in it, needs to be alone bla bla bla. Didn’t 100% confirm it was over, clearly giving himself an “in” in the future, for when he no doubt changes his mind! I am beyond livid! He didn’t even apologise. I’m more angry at myself for falling for it yet again. No more now. I’m going to do some journaling tonight when the kids are in bed, so I can look back upon it if he ever tries this again.
Be mindful that journaling might not be enough. Your pattern of behaviour in conjunction with his means that you are more likely to return when the dust settles the rose coloured glasses go back on and you get sucked back in. Of course, you are livid now and you couldn't possibly go back again.....but....you've been here before, many times. I suggest you continue with therapy until you are well through this and beyond to stop you returning. Its not him who should be confirming it is 100% over it is you who should be shouting it from the top of the mountain. Why haven't you done that?
TheGallopingGourmet · 25/07/2021 09:14

Because on some level it makes you feel good/better/reassurred/safe.
You need to explore what is going on and if you genuinely want to change, learn how to do it.