Cheating ex suckered me back in AGAIN! What is wrong with me?!?!

[Helpmyselfff]

I let my cheating exdh back into my life AGAIN and yet AGAIN it was all love bombing and future faking then back to usual and back in touch with the OW.

I’m literally been ghosted by my own husband.

I just can’t comprehend how the man I married, the man who fathered our dc’s could treat me so appallingly. But most of all, I’m disappointed in myself for letting him sucker me back in.

How do I ensure this NEVER happens again?

Any similar stories and outcomes?

Maybe I'm picking it up wrong but you sound quite flippant about it rather than devastated. Like a naughty child being caught eating too much chocolate again. Almost 'what am I like' ho ho ho

At some level you are enjoying this ride.

It will harm your children deeply.

@Closetbeanmuncher

Don't speak to him about anything but the children, don't allow him into your home and don't for a second entertain being "friends"

Write down everything he's done to you on each chance read and re-read it until the penny drops.

This.

Dont speak to him anymore. Don't reply to anything unless it's about the kids. Don't meet him at all. Unless your kids are young so you have to to do the hand over. Never let him into your home. And most importantly - decide that it is over.

@hahahayoumustbejoking

Maybe I'm picking it up wrong but you sound quite flippant about it rather than devastated. Like a naughty child being caught eating too much chocolate again. Almost 'what am I like' ho ho ho

At some level you are enjoying this ride.

It will harm your children deeply.

I think that’s just me trying to protect myself and also, I’ve been here many times, each time gets less devastating than the last. I don’t enjoy the ride at all, all through this I just wanted to see the best in him and I took any scraps he gave me

@TheGallopingGourmet

Because on some level it makes you feel good/better/reassurred/safe. You need to explore what is going on and if you genuinely want to change, learn how to do it.

I have my counselling session tomorrow so shall be looking into why I let him in again and how to work on my boundaries, so it never happens again

@litterbird I have counselling weekly and that’s something I definitely need right now.
I don’t know, I wish I did know. I know logically that I can’t do this again and that it’ll never have a happy outcome, but I don’t understand why I keep letting him back

[quote Helpmyselfff]@litterbird I have counselling weekly and that’s something I definitely need right now.
I don’t know, I wish I did know. I know logically that I can’t do this again and that it’ll never have a happy outcome, but I don’t understand why I keep letting him back[/quote]
I feel for you, I really do. I am in the middle of supporting someone going through the same thing. She’s just gone back again but she’s done this a dozen times. She’s in therapy too trying to understand why. She feels like a fool each time knowing how all around her support her leaving (not one person in her friendships or family like her husband ) but she is compelled to return every time he says he will get help and get better. He doesn’t of course and the cycle of abuse begins again. Good luck OP, this time you might stay away xx

@litterbird I truly wish I knew the reason. I’ve done a lot of work around boundaries and self esteem and thought I was getting better until this recent time, so I think I need to start again and really dig deep to get some answers so I can prevent it ever happening again. He turns me into an anxious mess, I know that I am much happier without him

Have you discussed this with your therapist?

It sounds like he might have narcissistic tendencies. (And I don’t say that lightly) So that brings in a dynamic (triangulation) whereby he always has someone that he is fucking with at any one time.

Intermittent reinforcement, he’s giving you just enough to not let go. He’s telling you want you want to hear. It’s like crack, you don’t want it, but you want to feel like you did the first time you took it.

You genuinely need to deal with this like an addiction, I would seek out a specialist therapist. Some people stay trapped like this forever. You don’t want to do that. You deserve better.

For anybody with codependent, empathic traits, being in a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely dangerous and damaging for both physical and mental health. The dynamic and the adrenalin of the ups and downs can become highly addictive, exhausting and many victims of narcissistic abuse end up struggling with trauma, anxiety, panic, depression, stress and burn-out.