I'll never be good enough.

[youngandbroken]

I've been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 children (5 and 2) and we've always had ups and downs. Lately Im starting to feel like I will never be good enough for him. I have severe depression that I've been waiting to get help for for over 2 years now, very little I can do if the services aren't there though. I took an overdose in February and have had 1 phone call since then. I don't want to keep feeling this way I don't know how to switch it off, and I know it's making my family's life miserable.

I am struggling to keep up with the housework, his family all have homes that are spotlessly clean at all times and think I am disgusting and lazy because our home isn't spotlessly clean and tidy at all times. I am struggling to keep up with the shopping now and sometimes forget to order the shopping when I'm supposed to, or I have days where I can't be bothered to cook and so we get takeaway or I just make pasta because its easy which I know isnt a brilliant diet and feel bad about but we're fed, I don't take the children out enough, I don't play with them enough - they're happy but I see other mums doing so many things and I just don't have the energy. There's always something my partner has a problem with: if his uniform hasn't been washed and put on the table ready for him to wear, if I haven't sorted socks out, if I haven't hoovered, if I haven't done the online shop, if I haven't taken the children out so he can have some time for himself, I am controlling because I have an issue when he goes out with his friends, I am paranoid (that one is true but stems from the fact that he told me wanted to cheat on me, he didn't but he wanted to), and the latest is that I don't put enough effort into our sex life.

I don't make the first move because I have no interest in it at the moment, I don't turn him down but i just don't think about it. I have been trying to make more of an effort but I am exhausted constantly, I am battling with thoughts of not wanting to be here daily and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I should just walk away and let them all live their lives without me dragging them down but I'm selfish and I don't want to leave my children. But I also don't want to make their lives any more miserable than I have done already, I don't see any way out, I've been begging everyone for help and there just isn't anything available on the NHS and I can't afford private.

Jesus. I can see one really simple (not necessarily easy) solution here. He and his family are not people I'd want to remain around. Separate. Take the DC. You will be a lot happier.

What's the situation with your home? I see you say dp- are you not married?

Try to stop comparing yourself to other people. You are living with an illness that they are not, would you be so harsh on somebody who has MS or cancer if there house was a mess or they were too tired to play a lot?

You don't need to do anything for anyone else to deserve your life and happiness. You are worthy of love and life and family and happiness even if you never clean, never cook and never do any activities with the kids. It doesn't sound like you do nothing anyway, it sounds like what you do do is not valued by those around you.

Tell your husband to deal with his own uniform. Explain to him that you have a serious health condition and that you need his support to get better. You need him to manage some of these day to day things so that you can concentrate on getting better.

We aren't married, we privately rent at the moment, he works full time and I work part time to allow for childcare.

Sorry that you are going through this op.

You say you struggle with the housework, cooking and childcare and shopping. But anyone would struggle with all of those tasks, especially with a 5 and 2 year old. And - what does your husband do?
These tasks should be split equally you know.

Fair enough if he works then I'd expect a little less contribution in some of those areas but he should still be doing a fair amount of it. So where does he? It's not 1950 and he knows you are ill.

Instead he threatens to cheat on you and it sounds like he seems to think he is entitled to sex on tap even when you dont feel like it.

Why doesn't he clean the house before HIS fanily visit?! Especially if he knows they are judgy fuckers.

Also, just a thought but...hire a cleaner!

I suspect your depression would improve dramatically if you weren't being held to impossible standards and told you are not good enough constantly! You are not selfish wanting to be there for your DC. They need you. Are you able to leave with the DC? I know it would not be easy, but it would be so worth it.

Oh and, he cant threaten to cheat and then call you paranoid when you don't like him going out. Of course you would be worried about him going out after that. He is gaslighting you by telling you you are wrong/crazy to be worried about something that he literally said he wanted to do.

I don’t think that all of this is related to your depression. This is not all on you. You are not the problem here. Obviously you have an illness and you need help with that, but your partner is an absolute dick.

You’re working part time, looking after two young children, running the house apparently by yourself and dealing with Mr Wonderful expecting you to be grateful because he kept his dick in his pants, and he’s having tantrums because his uniform isn’t laid out on the table, he isn’t getting as much alone time as he wants and you aren’t waiting to jump on him each night?! He needs to fuck off to the far side of fuck, then dream the impossible dream and fuck off a little bit more.

Again, you are not the problem here 💐

Have you been told that his family think you are disgusting and lazy or is this just something you think they think?

Your children are fed and happy and you don't want to leave them. I'd say that makes you a pretty good mum

What you DO have a problem with is is your 'D'P. He can iron his own uniform, sort his own socks out, entertain his own children, buy and prepare his own food, hoover his own floors. Because those are all the things he will be doing when you get the strength to tell him to fuck off!

Please send or show what you've written to your GP - you need help to realise you are worthy, you are important and your life is worthy living.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this

Your first priority is tackling your depression. Your suicidal thoughts and feeling like you're not good enough in any area of your life are symptoms of depression.
Call your gp and get a call back from a doctor today. You can be put on anti depressants and self refer for counselling.

There is help available on the NHS but you have to battle to get what you need- not easy I know when you're feeling so hopeless and despondent.

You can assess your relationship with your husband once you're receiving help. He doesn't sound supportive or understanding. Do you have friends or family to talk to? I think it would help.
A big hug from me. You're doing well keeping everything running with a family when you're clearly unwell.

Make the call to your gp today x

You know how people say 'Be kind' and it's usually a crock of shite? You need to be kind. To yourself. Every day.

No matter how inadequate you feel, your children love you and need you. No matter how bad things get, they'll want you, not someone else. My nearing-40-year-old thanked me recently for 'not offing yourself, when you came so close so often'. So you matter. It's worth being kind and gentle with you.

You already know you aren't getting the mental health support you need and deserve. It was bastard hard to get, even before Covid. Phone your GP, request referrals, ask where you are on waiting lists. Push. They rely on mh patients to be too ill to chase things up, and will take you off lists, claim you gave them the wrong phone number and all sorts of skullduggery. Keep at them until you get help.

Put aside your image of the perfect wife and mother, who cooks healthy meals from scratch and entertains the children 24/7. If everyone survives till bedtime, that's a win. If anyone smiles, that's your trophy.

Possibly start looking for ways to live without him. He doesn't sound very nice. You deserve to have nice people around you.

have you been told that his family think you are disgusting and lazy or is this just something you think they think

His mum and sister have made alot of comments to me about not being on top of the laundry, or the children needing a bath (they both have sensitive skin so I aim for every other night), needing to spend more time on the housework because its just what needs to be done and that if the health visitor saw the mess I'd be referred to social services and lose my children. The health visitor has been round and she wasn't concerned but the comments have really got in my head.

@youngandbroken

have you been told that his family think you are disgusting and lazy or is this just something you think they think

His mum and sister have made alot of comments to me about not being on top of the laundry, or the children needing a bath (they both have sensitive skin so I aim for every other night), needing to spend more time on the housework because its just what needs to be done and that if the health visitor saw the mess I'd be referred to social services and lose my children. The health visitor has been round and she wasn't concerned but the comments have really got in my head.

Can you try to remember the health visitor's comments instead? She's the one who is working in your children's best interests - not the mum and sister. If they were actually concerned they'd be helping you, not making shitty comments.

He sounds abusive.

His family sounds interfering and necky/mouthy.

Fwiw i can't keep on top of laundry within child. We often eat takeout, and so do quite a few people we know.

I don't launder my h's clothes, he dies it himself. I have enough with cjild, household avd my own laundry.

Our house is regularly untidy. Lots of people don't live in shoe home, immaculate houses.

He sounds like the problem, not you.

He sounds v demanding and selfish.

I don't think your problem is you not being good enough, I think your problem is your husband actually. Why do you have to sort his uniform out!?! Exactly how much is he doing? Kids bathed ever other day is completely fine, everyone is fed and a house does not need to be spotless.

Social services would NOT have any issue with an involved mum who baths her kids several times a week, makes sure they are fed and is in NO way abusive or neglectful. Shame on his family for suggesting that they would.

I imagine you’d feel a lot less depressed without this bunch of arseholes around but I know at the moment that will feel like a Herculean effort so in the meantime take the pressure off yourself, you’re doing your best. Don’t see or contact his family and tune him out too.

First things first, you’re doing a great job keeping your kids safe and fed. So just keep doing what you’re doing. Pasta is a perfectly fine meal, filling and full of energy for growing kids. If they lived on nothing but pasta all day every day obviously they’d be missing some nutrients but they don’t, they have other meals and presumably fruit, yoghurt and snacks etc so just let that thought go. Millions of Italians have grown up perfectly well on pasta!!

As for your depression and general health, ask your GP for some blood tests. The depression, forgetfulness, low energy, even paranoia (although yours is totally justified!) all remind me of how I felt when my DC were very young and I was diagnosed with post partum thyroid disease. Ask for iron, B12, bit D and full thyroid pane to be checked, along with any other general bloods to make sure there’s not a physical cause for your symptoms.

Do you have family nearby for support? His are clearly making things worse but if you have your own family around please speak to them.

If they were actually concerned they'd be helping you, not making shitty comments

This, all day everyday. When my sister was ill do you know what I did, I cooked, I cleaned, I did her washing and ironing. I did not go around and sit in judgement telling her all the areas in life that she could do better. Other family did exactly the same, we took it in turn to support her in any way we could. My older sister is receiving cancer treatments at the moment in a different country, we can't be there everyday in person so we organised a cleaner for her, paid between us all. It is a small thing we can be to make her life easier, because that is what you do for the people you love who need help, you make their life easier. I think a lot of your depression would lift and life would be easier if you got away from these people, do you have family of your own nearby, or any friends that could help you in the short term to get back on your feet?

No matter how inadequate you feel, your children love you and need you. No matter how bad things get, they'll want you, not someone else. My nearing-40-year-old thanked me recently for 'not offing yourself, when you came so close so often'. So you matter. It's worth being kind and gentle with you.

Doingitmyself for you. You matter too.

Wow, they've done a number on you.

I have a messy house. Does it matter really? Nope. DH still loves me.

Check yourself for adhd symptoms as if you are more likely to be abused if you do, for a host of complex reasons. Messy house is often a real issue for adhd people, even if they're crushing other aspects of life. It's crucial to rule out neurodivergencies first, as ADs & therapy works differently for NT & ND people

Watch Brene Brown's Ted talk on shame. Read her books, if you have time.

Why are you doing all the housework? Kids that age are more work than any job.

Is he emergency services? Abusive? Coercive control? Financially abusive?

You'd be a lot less depressed, not on a hamster wheel of never-ending expectations.

As for the snotty family comments, they can do one. Why aren't they supporting you?

I'm confused as to why every bit of housework etc faked to you when you actually work part-time, and are presumably looking after the kids the other half.

Have a look t whether you'd actually be better off with your hours reduced to allow for a minimal.yniversal credit payment which will allow you to claim 85% child care costs up to a limit, and whatever child maintenance he'll have to pay.

He'll say he'll take kids 50 50 to cut out his cM payment but they rarely actually do.

*falls to you

I mean - whether you'd actually be better off separated from him, without his demands and all the work he brings you, with your salary, UC, child benefit, child maintenance, subsidised childcare etc.

Ah gosh OP, I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Clearly your husband doesn't understand depression. Do you think he'd watch a short you tube video which would explain it to him? Or read something? Apathy/ lack of interest can be hard to understand if you don't know about depression. Hopefully he will be more understanding if he learns more about it. We can't expect everyone else to instantly understand mental earth issues but he should be willing to learn.

Your children are ALWAYS better off with you around, no matter what. Please never think otherwise.

You shouldn't have to wait 2 years to get help on the NHS. I presume you are on antidepressants. Please see your GP asap. They might be able to increase the dose or change to a different medication. Please let them know you are suicidal.

Also check if your work place has any employee support. Some offer counselling. Can you definitely not afford private? Your health is more important than most things. If it was your child, would you be able to find the money? You are worth spending the money on. If you go private you often get a free initial meeting. You must go with someone who you feel comfortable with otherwise the counselling won't help much. Do you have any friends or your own family you can talk to? I feel like you need someone to support you to make sure you get to your GP etc. Its so hard to ask for help but your not going to get better carrying on like this. You deserve support.

Clearly your husband doesn't understand depression.

He's an abuser.

He's probably causing or contributing to her depression.

Your h sounds like "demand man" in the abuser profiles in "why does he do that" by lundy Bancroft.

Theres something not right with his family members too, they are bullies.

If my dil or sil seemed tk ve struggling with laundry and house work I'd a. Not be surprised or think anything of it, its v hard keeping on top on both with kids etc. Especially when she's working part time too. I'd say nothing. If she seemed distressed or overwhelmed I'd offer help.

Baths every other night is perfectly acceptable. Rheh have no right to.commebt on it.

There's something not right with them, they're all bullies.