I'll never be good enough.

[youngandbroken]

I've been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 children (5 and 2) and we've always had ups and downs. Lately Im starting to feel like I will never be good enough for him. I have severe depression that I've been waiting to get help for for over 2 years now, very little I can do if the services aren't there though. I took an overdose in February and have had 1 phone call since then. I don't want to keep feeling this way I don't know how to switch it off, and I know it's making my family's life miserable.

I am struggling to keep up with the housework, his family all have homes that are spotlessly clean at all times and think I am disgusting and lazy because our home isn't spotlessly clean and tidy at all times. I am struggling to keep up with the shopping now and sometimes forget to order the shopping when I'm supposed to, or I have days where I can't be bothered to cook and so we get takeaway or I just make pasta because its easy which I know isnt a brilliant diet and feel bad about but we're fed, I don't take the children out enough, I don't play with them enough - they're happy but I see other mums doing so many things and I just don't have the energy. There's always something my partner has a problem with: if his uniform hasn't been washed and put on the table ready for him to wear, if I haven't sorted socks out, if I haven't hoovered, if I haven't done the online shop, if I haven't taken the children out so he can have some time for himself, I am controlling because I have an issue when he goes out with his friends, I am paranoid (that one is true but stems from the fact that he told me wanted to cheat on me, he didn't but he wanted to), and the latest is that I don't put enough effort into our sex life.

I don't make the first move because I have no interest in it at the moment, I don't turn him down but i just don't think about it. I have been trying to make more of an effort but I am exhausted constantly, I am battling with thoughts of not wanting to be here daily and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I should just walk away and let them all live their lives without me dragging them down but I'm selfish and I don't want to leave my children. But I also don't want to make their lives any more miserable than I have done already, I don't see any way out, I've been begging everyone for help and there just isn't anything available on the NHS and I can't afford private.

I missed the part about him telling you he wanted to cheat. That as well as everything else, I think he is definitely abusive and his family are contributing to that too. It's so hard to keep perspective when living in an abusive situation. So many depressed women who leave an abuser get a cure for or are just a lot less depressed, For example I was on three to four different medications when I was with my ex, now I don't take anything for my mental health.

I wouldn't even know where to start with leaving, I don't have friends irl other than my sister and I can't go there and I don't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Its exhausting to even think about it and I've tried to leave before but he twists everything so I end up being the person in the wrong and feeling guilty.

Then stop telling him anything. Stick to the practical, everyday things. Develop some mental space. That will help.

Speak with womens aid and also start looking into the monetary entitlement you would get if you got rid if him (child benefit and single person council tax discount for a start). As pp said, dont tell him anything.

If you choose to leave it isn't a negotiation. And even if he wants to paint you to be the bad guy, so what? What will it matter if you only ever have to see him for 5 minutes twice a week in future for pick up and drop offs of the kids.

The more distance you can put between him and you, the quicker your mental health will improve and the less you'll give a flying fig what him or his family think.

Start taking practical steps. Reach out to various organisations for advice. Dont tell him anything, just start making moves.

You just rent, right (?) so there's notcedeb the fighting over the house, deciding who stays in it, getting your 50% etc.

You are still entitled to a share of any of joint assets, probably his pension etc.

If you can get him out or leave you'll be entitled to Uiveral credit, as long as your salary isn't too high, subsidised childcare, child benefit, child maintenance and maybe some other discounts on council tax etc.

Citizens advice is good for going through that with you.

Can you put by amounts to save a deposit to rent somewhere?

In fact I think you can maybe even say you are separated while living in the same place and start your claims... maybe someone can correct that or not.

I've tried to leave before but he twists everything so I end up being the person in the wrong and feeling guilty

He's an abuser.

You could leave even if he wasn't- properly leave marriages they no longer want to.be in.every day of the week without abuse. That's their perogative.

Even without their ex's agreement they can get a divorce within 5 years.

But he's an abuser, and his family are not right either.

*people leave.

You don't need his permission, you don't need his agreement. You don't need him to agree with your perspective (he will never admit to abuse, they never do).

You can go without "winning" the argument about who's right, wrong, unreasonable.. blag blah ... it doesn't matter. You can go if you want to.

You're right - you will never be good enough in his eyes. You could spend the entire day cleaning the house from top to bottom (at the expense of playing with DC of course) and there would be something he would find fault with.
It is soul-destroying having to be this perfect day after day. Of course some things are going to slide. Make sure it is not your mental health.
I wish I could help you out, OP

Whilst you really could use some help for your depression (I know you're waiting for more help, but do you at least see your GP regularly?) your husband and his family are not helping how you feel. As others have said, I suspect they are making it much worse.

Your children want and need you. You are the most important person in the world to them. You love them and care for them and want them to be happy and well. You are doing absolutely fine. In fact, under the circumstances, you are doing an amazing job.

Please get any help you can. Confide in your sister. Talk to your GP. Keep talking here. Picture where you'd like to be in, say, 2 years and then come up with a plan of how to get there. One small step at a time. Each time you take small step you will be closer to the life you want, and you will start to feel a little bit stronger.

You are good enough. You are a decent, kind person who is ill at the moment that's all. And people who are ill need support and help to get better. Your husband and his family are choosing to do the exact opposite and to add to your pressures rather than to help. That says everything about them, not you. They are not good enough to be there for you and your DC when you need them. So you and your DC deserve better.

A better life is out there. It is so hard right now, but you can make it.

if the health visitor saw the mess I'd be referred to social services and lose my children
Apart from the fact that this is nonsense, and incredibly nasty of them to say anything remotely like this to you at all ... where does the children's dad come in?! Their son?! Is he not responsible too, at all? Will he get to keep his children? The mind boggles.

I've been begging everyone for help and there just isn't anything available on the NHS and I can't afford private.
Are you already on anti-depressants OP, as I agree that you blaming yourself and feeling not good enough doesn't make much rational sense and is likely to be depression. I say this as you are clearly a conscientious parent, and doing what sounds to me like an amazing job considering the awful situation you are in. If you can get anti-depressants that help, it might give you at least the strength you require to keep asking for help. It is hard work and you do have to be persistent. You've done well to keep it up so far.

I also think that your depression would improve if you were out of this situation and not being coerced into sleeping with this man at all.

Can only echo what everyone else is saying - you don't need his permission to leave, you don't even need to give him a reason for your leaving and you certainly don't need any input from his unpleasant family. Talk to Women's Aid, your health visitor, the CAB, any local charities and your GP. Do NOT tell him any of this and make sure he doesn't have access to any of your devices.

Keep talking to us OP.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. You have 2 separate issues here...the depression and your unsupportive/abusive partner. Has he done anything to try to help you feel better?

First, let me just say, if my husband ever EVER threatened to cheat on me, he would be out the door. I may be strict, but if your partner loves you, why would they joke/threaten something so hurtful and wrong? There are some things I would never joke about or tolerate and that's one of them.

When a person suffers from depression, they need support. Your partner is horrible and is making it worse for you. Why doesn't he do any work around the house? It's his home too. Why does he get to
have time for himself? Do you get time for yourself? How often does he go out with his friends? Of course a parent can still have "me" time but it should not happen every weekend. And both parents should get me time, not just dad. He should not be going out with his friends all the time, he chose to have a partner and have kids. He needs to be there for you all.

Does his family say you are disgusting and lazy or do you just think they believe that? If they are actually saying that to you, your partner should be putting a stop to that the very first time it happened. He should tell them "do not speak to my wife like that. You can leave if you can't respect her". Also, you don't have to allow anyone to speak to you that way. They don't have to visit your home.

I have battled depression for almost 30 years now. My first husband was very similar to yours....belittling me, not doing his share around the house, expected me to do everything because I'm the woman. He also used my depression to insult me and make me feel like I was inadequate as a wife and mom. He made me feel so hopeless and took away all my self esteem. Once I left him, I felt so much better. Of course I still have depression, but I can manage it. My current husband supports me when I'm feeling down. He builds me up and always tells me he loves me and that I'm a great wife/mom. You deserve a loving man too. You deserve a man who will stand by your side and not bring you down. You can find the strength to leave! Sometimes it feels hopeless, but believe me, there are men out there who will love you and not abuse you. Don't let him make you feel like you're not a good mom.

I'm not in the UK so I don't know how the mental healthcare system is over there. Is there also a wait to see a therapist? If you're able to, I would suggest seeing a therapist first so you can learn your value. Your kids need you! If you left them with him, imagine how he would treat them. You're not selfish for wanting to be with your kids. Leave him and show your kids what a healthy relationship looks like.

If you're unable to get any therapist, speak to your friends and family. They can help you find strength to leave. Good luck momma!

It's only when you eventually leave this horrible situation and look back in a few years to come that you will realise what you set yourself and your children free from.

The sadness pours out of your post. Heartbreaking and it seems you really are doing your best. Some support, encouragement, affection, anything from your husband would no doubt help you enormously and in turn, improve how you feel generally. Doesnt sound like that will happen though. Hes destroying your self esteem and making you so sad. Talk to woman's aid. First step. Honestly, they will guide you. So will we? Lots of women have been where you are. So scared to leave, trapped, miserable, downtrodden. They got out. You can too x