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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do next...

37 replies

Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 01:27

I’ve recently been in touch with an “ex”. We were never really together properly due to a number of circumstances but had very strong feelings for each other. Fast forward 20 years and we’re in touch again. Firstly just a few messages and have recently met up. He’s been honest and said he still has strong feelings for me as I do for him but he’s not ready for a relationship yet and doesn’t know what the future holds for him. He’s partly scared because of what happened before. I’m not sure whether to see him occasionally as friends and see if anything happens or whether I should move on...

OP posts:
Sakurami · 23/07/2021 01:29

Sounds complicated. Why were you never together and how does he have strong feelings for you when you're not together?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 01:31

He’s been honest and said he still has strong feelings for me as I do for him but he’s not ready for a relationship yet and doesn’t know what the future holds for him.

He is clearly telling you he's emotionally unavailable. He's preparing you to have very low expectations, no matter what you do for him. I wouldn't be wasting my time. I'd bet my house he's nothing but a twat.

Yescheese · 23/07/2021 01:35

If hes not ready for a relationship after 20 years then that's a really clear diktat to not expect anything from him. You said you have experienced strong feeling for him so think carefully what would you get out of trying to be friends

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 01:49

I’m just not sure. I’d like to see him but don’t want to be kept hanging around

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 23/07/2021 03:09

He's offering you a FWB/casual thing and is waiting to see if you accept that, so typical of the modern dating world I find. If you have strong feelings I would avoid as this will most likely lead to heartbreak -yours. If he still can't offer you more after that long apart he's a dead loss.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 03:32

He's offering you a FWB/casual thing and is waiting to see if you accept that

Sorry, op, it's true. He's just saying things he thinks you want to hear while telling you don't expect anything at the same time. He wants a fuck buddy, that's all.

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 07:39

Our relationship at the moment is completely platonic and I honestly don’t think he’s looking for fwb at all. I thinks it’s more he feels quite low and doesn’t really know if he can cope with the highs and lows that relationships can bring.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 23/07/2021 09:07

I thinks it’s more he feels quite low and doesn’t really know if he can cope with the highs and lows that relationships can bring

I don’t. I think that’s what you want to think because it’s uncomfortable to accept that it has been 20 years and he’s still offering you nothing but crumbs. Again. He’s apparently spent the last twenty years with feelings for you, you indicate to him that a second chance might be in the offing and he says ‘no thanks, I’m not ready for a relationship’. If he’s not ready for a relationship with you when he’s had feelings for you for 20 years, he never will be.

If he genuinely had strong feelings for you, wild horses would not keep him away from wanting to be with you on a permanent and full time basis. If he is not offering you that, it’s because he does not want you on either a permanent or full time basis, but he’s happy to pass some time with you until someone comes along he does want a relationship with.

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 13:06

@Sn0tnose yes you might be right. He said our old relationship was almost like a drug to him and he’s scared of that.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 23/07/2021 13:12

I agree with the others, he's trying to have you as a no ties option. Who got in touch with who after all this time and what happened before to scare him so much?

WatieKatie · 23/07/2021 13:19

I’d move on OP but let him know why. If you really like someone you make it work regardless of past experiences. I suspect he’d always be changing his mind so perhaps you’ve had a lucky escape?

Life is too short to hang around for someone who isn’t sure.

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 13:25

@WatieKatie I think you’re right. I think I’ll just not contact him for now and see if he actually makes an effort…

OP posts:
Loveabitofrain · 23/07/2021 13:40

Sounds to me like he just wants benefits or attention? I’m also not sure how either of you can have strong feelings for each other if you never had a relationship; lust maybe?

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 13:46

@Loveabitofrain no I definitely don’t think that’s true.
Circumstances in the past meant we didn’t have a proper relationship but were still very close

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 23/07/2021 13:50

@Aquamarine1029

He's offering you a FWB/casual thing and is waiting to see if you accept that

Sorry, op, it's true. He's just saying things he thinks you want to hear while telling you don't expect anything at the same time. He wants a fuck buddy, that's all.

yip...

and so predictable 🌸

Loveabitofrain · 23/07/2021 13:52

[quote Beepee1234]@Loveabitofrain no I definitely don’t think that’s true.
Circumstances in the past meant we didn’t have a proper relationship but were still very close[/quote]
How can you be sure it’s been 20 years people change massively. All the terms he used “you’re like a drug” etc are classics. I’ve been there and fallen for them hoping they’d be true.

I’d also look out for how he is messaging you and when. Another classic sign is late at night and on social media.

ckverity9 · 23/07/2021 15:54

Move on. It could go on forever

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 16:02

@Loveabitofrain what do you when about “when he messages me” He hardly used social media!

OP posts:
AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 23/07/2021 16:10

I'm not ready for a relationship

Translation - I like you enough for a shag but not enough for you to be my girlfriend.

Fuck it off.

Loveabitofrain · 23/07/2021 16:39

[quote Beepee1234]@Loveabitofrain what do you when about “when he messages me” He hardly used social media![/quote]
Sometimes that CAN indicate it’s a FWB type seeking arrangement. I have a male friend who says all sorts to get attention/sex but from memory he tended to message woman late at night (drunk) and on social media FB mainly.

litterbird · 23/07/2021 16:52

[quote Beepee1234]@Sn0tnose yes you might be right. He said our old relationship was almost like a drug to him and he’s scared of that.[/quote]
Good grief.....rolls eyes and just sighs......my god some men come out with the most predictable sayings. Leave this one alone, listen to what he is saying. After 20 years he is still not interested unless you go with the non committal occasional shagathon that he is offering you. Move on, nothing to see here.

Aminuts23 · 23/07/2021 17:32

Agree with everyone else. He’s a complete waste of time. He’ll use you if you let him. Don’t sit around waiting for him to prove himself, he will message you, see you, flatter you, right up until you’ve given him what he wants and he’s had enough. You are NOT like a drug. God he’s transparent

Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 17:38

@Loveabitofrain no his messages aren’t like that at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Beepee1234 · 23/07/2021 17:39

He’s not interested in FWB at all!!

OP posts:
kurtney · 23/07/2021 18:44

I think you're right, OP. He doesn't want FWB. FWB's usually have boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable, with neither person wanting a relationship with the other, and just having casual sexual now and again with no feelings involved and no expectations of the other.

What it sounds like he wants is all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually calling it that. As someone has previously said, no man with good intentions would hold feelings for you for 20 years then drop back into your life and tell you that but then say they don't want a relationship at the moment.

He'll fuck with your head. Avoid him at all costs and don't fall for his bullshit.