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[Adaddyoftwo]

Once again I find that I have to explain myself for seemingly something that should not have proked the reaction given.

Just to clear a few things up first.

We live in a lovely house in a great area with two beautiful children, we have no immediate health issues, no money worries, no lack of family friends or support. I'm a clean, tidy, respectable good man husband who works full time and recently left a job that I loved to earn money money to support my families ever changing needs. I keep semi fit and do my fair share of chores around the house including the majority of the cooking, shopping and kids bathtime/bedtime etc.

I supported my wife through a job and career change that earned significantly less money during Covid and continue to do so, so that she can pursue a career in another line of work, which is significantly less

I also supported her through anxiety, depression, PTSD and withdrawal from physical affection for 2 years, and most recently a mental health issue that may or may not have been brought about from Covid, this means a total disconnect and numbness within the house. My weekends are spent doing chores and household work, whilst also involving the kids where possible, taking them out or involving them in cutting the lawn or the hedges. Also stood by her side during all of this without any lack of disconnect, my primary concern will always be her and my children's wellbeing.

I've always gone out of my way to make sure my wife receives a memorable birthday, xmas, anniversary gift

• On a weekend I get up early with boys, singing songs with them, especially at xmas and then complains about getting woken up at 8am.

I send boys up to bedroom on her lay in day with breakfast menu, complains about getting woken up for surprise breakfast, hence no more breakfast in bed.

• I regulary take time off work to do up house and garden, including fitting new floors, kitchen, full room renovation and rebuilding of parts of the house

• I regularly work from home so will when possible use my lunch time to either take the kids for a walk or finish early so we can eat together

I have loads of incentive to make the house look nice or buy for example throw cushoing and accesories or paint, but the it is always on me to suggest going to look, then spends more time looking at phone/not interested.

Doesnt like suggestions or when trying to decide on things that are nice or finish the home

When I do house work or bring in the washing its "not folded", or the floor I've just mopped is too wet.

I Booked half day of work, first time off in a year for a desperate mental health check in with a friend, she accidently sent a message to me complaining to a friend about me taking a half day, I said nothing and let it pass, I've recently started feeling really down and negative, to the point where I actually thought about suicide and how I might do it, more so because it seems no matter what I do the feedback and response is negative and I feel pretty worthless. Money shouldn't come in to it, but I've spent £1000s and countless hours in the house and garden to make it nice.

We had a conversation about not having a many pictures of the kids in the house so I asked us to come up with a canvas design, which took a while and eventually a lovely large canvas of pictures of boys turns up, but spouse didnt want it in the living room on any wall, almost like to the point where resented that I had the incentive to purchase it and do it and its now on the wall in the playroom, where only the kids go really.

Mentioned getting a caravan so we can go off on weekends, and not spend all of our time in the house/house chores on a weekend, but had no interest so I sold my "project car" that was used maybe once a month for an hour and now currently looking for a caravan to purchase with the funds so we can get away with the kids, bought a mountain bike as surprise present when eldest got his so there's the ability to go biking with him, butused once.

My spouse recently started a new diet to loose a bit of weight and get some self confidence back which I think is great, good for her, really proud and happy and encouraged it, but it's now cause a massive argument and a fall out simply because I wanted to go shopping for food in the morning and spend the afternoon with the boys, I was happy to go shopping twice in the weekend, but I was asked to wait until a menu was released from some website. I have limited time at the weekends and I just wanted to see the boys and do something fun without getting broken off. So off we went shopping and then once came home took the boys out for some fun and lunch.

I came back home and cut the hedges/lawn whilst involving the kids to give her some time alone, the next thing I know I'm being shouted at for looking in to seeing if the venue we'd been at during lunch had a date free and if my parents friends had a date free for a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother, It was a spare of the moment idea that slipped my mind when I got home and took me a while to register what was going on.

Since that moment I've had nothing but aggro grief, more shouting and abuse that im not listening to her and she "cant do it anymore". I've really lost as to what I've done wrong here and Im reaching out to get some clarity or non biased opinion. Im not perfect, I may go silent when threatened or have to spend a day or two weighing something up before responding, but currently I just feel like a total failure as a husband.

Additionally shouting and going off in front of the kids in some crazed manor is not acceptable.

You don’t seem very happy. It doesn’t sound like she is either. Have you tried counselling? Or even discussed how you’re both feeling?

I have asked for us to do some counselling but the response I received was "ill think about it". I could totally understand her going nuts if id being unfaithful or abusive or come home drunk and made a mess or hurt the kids, but that's not the case. Its just a guy wanting to spend the morning with his kids and being a bit sporadic looking to arranging a party for my mum. Apologies for the previous essay!

It sounds like she is unhappy, whether it's depression or she's checked out of the relationship is hard to say, when I'm on this side of the screen to you.

Have you tried sitting down with her, without the kids around to distract you both, and asked her what is good at the moment and what is not so good, what changes could or would make her happy again?

Don't hurt yourself, you sound switched on and you might still be able to work on this. It just sounds like she's checking out.

Hi - I feel for you, I think there is a logical expectation that all the efforts you're putting in will be appreciated, but there is something else, quite possibly not related to you, which is making her dismiss them and find a way to get on your back regardless. It sounds as though DW is either depressed or has other mental health concerns (appreciate you mention some mental health issues) and her negativity must be draining for everyone. Are you passive when she is aggressive towards you or do you give her a firm response when you feel she has been unreasonable? It could be that if you're too passive, she's learnt that her aggression and unreasonable responses go unchecked, so continues that way of treating you. It may be that pushing harder for counselling or finding a way to get her to a mutual ground where you can air these feelings to her safely would be your best bet.

I should say that I completely agree about speaking to each other respectfully in front of DC, but if you're alone and the time is right, perhaps being more firm in your response to her aggression could surprise her and make her appreciate just how she's making you feel.

Good luck, I hope you can resolve the issues.

Thanks @Hodan85 and @SisterMonicaJoansHabit I'm usually the calm and collective one who will weight anything up and respond with a clm and sensible answer.

On top of the above a family friend took his own life on Monday, just to make matters worse. Her last bout of depression was at Xmas during lockdown where she just checked out and spent a majority of the period either watching TV in the bedroom or zoned on whilst I played with the kids/did the xmas dinner/put up and do decorations etc.

I just find it really hard to believe that me wanting to arrange a party for my mother's 60th and inviting her to a facebook group to plan it was the tipping point. It almost like if she doesn't have control of a situation or something regardless of the actual situation or idea she cannot cope with it. I feel really awful, im not sure what else I can do other than support and guide, ive tried to give an olive branch this morning, but im not going to apologise for doing something as far as im concerned (wanting to get the shopping/housework done in the morning) that seems perfectly natural and normal.

Sorry to hear about your friend, awful and must be a really tough time. With regards to the situation with DW, I think that clearly you are doing a sterling job, which most spouses would be very grateful for, I don't think anything you are doing is causing the issue, it sounds as though there is something deeper that is troubling or affecting her and you are the easiest person to take it out on. Does she have any close friends or family you could share some of your concerns with to see if they have any ideas? I've found that when I've had frustrations with DW, I've wanted to be very protective of her character and haven't felt that I wanted to share my feelings with friends or family, but did find that talking with her sister helped; my wife actually knows about this too - its a kind of safe/protected place to talk about my frustrations, with someone I know won't take a negative view of DW as they're close to her! I realise for many, that wouldn't work, but an alternative idea for you!

Fuck that, if you'd posted as a woman you'd be told to take the kids and leave.

Mumsnet is notariously biased against blokes.

It sounds like you're trying. She's still not happy. Don't carry on banging your head against a brick wall and spend the energy into seperating as amicably as possible for the kids

Honestly? She's taking the piss. I would hazard a guess that no matter what you do, it will be wrong/not good enough. Talk to a solicitor.

I agree with all previous posters.

Just a note, though - if you are having a lie-in, you want to sleep, not be woken up with a breakfast menu.

I'm not sure if I've misunderstood some of your examples but there seems to be quite a lot of 'i suggested we do X, she wasn't keen/asked me to do Y instead, so I did X and then she got annoyed'. Wouldn't you be annoyed in that situation?

Notwithstanding, neither of you sounds happy so relationship counselling would be a good step if you would like to try to mend the marriage.

Just reread your OP - @Adaddyoftwo, you need to talk to your GP about your suicidal thoughts, ASAP. Your mental wellbeing is equally as important as your wife's - please seek help today.

Your house sounds like it's full of conflict OP which isn't a great atmosphere for your children. I think you need to see your GP regarding your feelings as you could be depressed. Here's an assessment you can fill out and take to the Dr: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/depression-anxiety-self-assessment-quiz/ Thinking about suicide is not to be taken lightly please reach out for help.

Your wife sounds like she is struggling, she obviously needs her lie ins - perhaps she finds it difficult to get to sleep because of her depression. It sounds like you both lack consideration for each other eg you waking her up early with singing and surprise menus and she is snappy and critical. These kinds of situations tend to arise from festering resentment so couple's counselling may help once you are feeling a bit better.

On a weekend I get up early with boys, singing songs with them, especially at xmas and then complains about getting woken up at 8am.... Rather than complain that she's complaining, stop doing it. It's nice that you get up early with the boys.. Don't sing with them... Ask her what time she would like to sleep to and then sing after that time.

I send boys up to bedroom on her lay in day with breakfast menu, complains about getting woken up for surprise breakfast, hence no more breakfast in bed.... This would drive me nuts... I'm not interested in breakfast in bed. She obviously likes her lie in day...stop ruining it for her in the pretence that you are doing something nice.

Recently a mental health issue that may or may not have been brought about from Covid, this means a total disconnect and numbness within the house.... So she's currently depressed... Is she getting help for this?

I've always gone out of my way to make sure my wife receives a memorable birthday, xmas, anniversary gift..are these things your wife wanted?

I have loads of incentive to make the house look nice or buy for example throw cushoing and accesories or paint, but the it is always on me to suggest going to look, then spends more time looking at phone/not interested.... If she's not interested in this then you could just do it, or maybe she doesn't like doing it with you because you have different tastes and feels rail roaded.

When I do house work or bring in the washing its "not folded", or the floor I've just mopped is too wet...."when" you do housework... So who does the most... If my husband mopped the floor and left it soaking wet I would be annoyed because I'd have to do it again (my husband wouldn't do this because it's a silly thing to do). Also, why not fold the clothes... Is that her job?... Also something which pissed me off as the taking the washing in isn't the issue... Folding it and putting it away is.

If she's started a new diet and so needed to wait for a menu to come on line why not just shop later and do something with the kids now... That would appear to me quite an easy compromise. It's easy to say you are supportive of her new diet but the fact that you insisted on going shopping before she new what food she would be buying is pretty unsupportive actually.

You haven't said what your wife was annoyed about re your mum's 60th. I'm assuming she was annoyed about something. What was it? Not what you imagine re her control but actually what did she say?

My observation from your post is that you appear to be doing all the right things in that if you were to list all the good things you do that she doesn't appreciate it would show you to be the good guy and she to be the bad guy. However, if she hates breakfast in bed and you know that and still you send the kids up with it... Well that's actually really not very nice. I'd be interested to know what your wife would say about the memorable gifts.

It's interesting that your wife feels like you don't listen to her and that she can't do it anymore.

You might not be listening to her real needs but giving her what you think she should need. That's pretty hard to live with.

It's interesting that she doesn't want to go to counselling. Could it be that she's used to being portrayed as the bad guy and you as the super good guy. Is she less able to articulate than you.

The fact that you are thinking of suicide means that you too are very depressed.

You need to get yourself to the GP and sort that out ASAP.

@whichwayisup I think you've found a way to criticise almost every point example he's give there, which seem quite harsh. I take your point about making sure he's listening to and trying to understand her true needs, but I also think you're encouraging him to panda to her quite cruel behaviours at times. Does it not feel like he's making all the effort and she's making none, even if a couple of the examples show good intentions, but weren't quite the perfect actions?

Hi Hodan85, yes I'm sorry, it probably does come over quite harsh and that wasn't my intention. I may be totally wrong with each thing I've said, I was just trying to see it from the wives point of view simply because that's what he came on here to look for.

@whichwayisup apoligies I didnt mention that I offered to do the shopping twice to ensure she had the menu of choice, more so I didnt have to be anywhere at a certain time with the kids. I work rediculous long hours all week and hardly see them so when the weekend comes shopping for a special diet isn't my priority as she's more than capable of going to the shops herself with the new car that was purchased last year.

If my boys want to sing and dace at 8am with their daddy, thats whats going to happen, I couldn't care if the queen was in the house. They are only young once and I don't want to waste a minute of fun with them.

I gernally do housework on an evening/during my lunchbreak, unless im picking the kids up from school or finishing work early to cook a family meal, (3 nights a week), otherwise I fnish around 6pm and then do bath and bed time and then cook a meal for the both of us.

RE mums 60th she was pissed off that I had not told her about the idea when it was a spare of the moment idea, so in her head im supposed to call her up the moment the idea surfaces whilst im at a funfair with the kids ? :)

Memorable gifts included a weekend away at a spa with her 3 best friends via a limo, pandora bracelet replaced that she lost etc.

She spent a majority of the previous xmas numb and void of emotion and I was really worried about her so eventually got help and things inproved. Recently my parents announced that they want to take us plus our children to America at Easter, but shes not the least bit excited and was "why would your dad expect that I want to go with him". My parents do absolutley everything asked and more, inc financial help, have the kids 2 days a week to help with childcare etc..

Its odd that shes not interested in going to councling, also the messages sent accidently to me bad mouthing me and taking half a day off work for a mental check in very much portray me as a bad guy. I wouldn't dream of, nor ever have bad mouthed her to my friends or family, but things never work both ways. At least here is annonymous so I can get my point across. She's bad tempered and short with the kids, slams doors. I could list lines and lines of other petty things, but most things should just be let go.

Additionally studying for an exam today, apologies if replies are late and short! I guess im just trying to figure out what else I can do. I would totally understand if I was a lazy self centred twat, but I'm far from it.

If my boys want to sing and dace at 8am with their daddy, thats whats going to happen, I couldn't care if the queen was in the house. They are only young once and I don't want to waste a minute of fun with them.

Wow. If that's how you talk to your wife, then I'm not surprised your marriage is crap. Relationships are about compromise and consideration. You could take your children to a park and let them run around and sing and dance as much as they want. But you choose to have them singing in the house when another person who suffers from depression and needs a lie in, wants to sleep. You're not showing any consideration for your wife's needs here. If that's a habit and you are usually this inflexible ie my way or the high way, then it's not surprising your marriage is acrimonious at best.

Doctor, then solicitor. She really doesn't seem to like you, but probably likes the lifestyle and freedom she currently enjoys.

It seems to be a communication problem. While you’re obviously trying hard, it seems like you’re not really listening to your wife but doing what you think she should want. While some women would be delighted to be woken with a menu for breakfast in bed, she clearly wasn’t. While you think the caravan is a great idea, she clearly isn’t interested but you’re determined to press on anyway and will probably be perplexed when she isn’t excited about going away in it. For some people the thought of holidaying with their in-laws is not fun even if they’re offering to pay. She is allowed to not be excited about it. The party for your mum probably seemed like another occasion where you’re planning things without taking her thoughts into account. Clearly you’re trying hard and feel upset that she isn’t but I do think if you took a step back and listened to what she actually wants rather than go ahead with what you think she should want then things might be easier.

@username18702

If my boys want to sing and dace at 8am with their daddy, thats whats going to happen, I couldn't care if the queen was in the house. They are only young once and I don't want to waste a minute of fun with them.

Wow. If that's how you talk to your wife, then I'm not surprised your marriage is crap. Relationships are about compromise and consideration. You could take your children to a park and let them run around and sing and dance as much as they want. But you choose to have them singing in the house when another person who suffers from depression and needs a lie in, wants to sleep. You're not showing any consideration for your wife's needs here. If that's a habit and you are usually this inflexible ie my way or the high way, then it's not surprising your marriage is acrimonious at best.

The day in question was Xmas Day. They are 2 and 7 years old, really you want to put a lay in before giving kids fun memories or times with their parents?

The previous weekend was spent away so she had time at home by herself for a few days, you don't understand the full picture. My way of the high way is nowhere near mentioned, its about the fact that I was singing xmas songs with the boys at 8AM, not 5,6 or 7.

You're drip feeding OP.

I've completely changed my mind. You are PERFECT. You are an Übermensch - a supreme human being. You should be a mould from which all others are made. Your wife should be kissing the ground after each godly step you take and praising the gods for delivering you to her.

All the best.

@Anniissa

It seems to be a communication problem. While you’re obviously trying hard, it seems like you’re not really listening to your wife but doing what you think she should want. While some women would be delighted to be woken with a menu for breakfast in bed, she clearly wasn’t. While you think the caravan is a great idea, she clearly isn’t interested but you’re determined to press on anyway and will probably be perplexed when she isn’t excited about going away in it. For some people the thought of holidaying with their in-laws is not fun even if they’re offering to pay. She is allowed to not be excited about it. The party for your mum probably seemed like another occasion where you’re planning things without taking her thoughts into account. Clearly you’re trying hard and feel upset that she isn’t but I do think if you took a step back and listened to what she actually wants rather than go ahead with what you think she should want then things might be easier.

That makes sense, I have asked us to go ahead and see what counselling can bring.

If she wants to stay at home on a weekend and watch soaps, that's fine, the caravan is more about been able to just jump in the car and I'm more than happy to take the kids away every weekend/school holiday, rather than them sit in the house and play us off each other until they get TV.

@username18702

You're drip feeding OP.

I've completely changed my mind. You are PERFECT. You are an Übermensch - a supreme human being. You should be a mould from which all others are made. Your wife should be kissing the ground after each godly step you take and praising the gods for delivering you to her.

All the best.

Wow, you sound really bitter and negative. I'm sorry that you feel that way.

I'm not going to get in to a debate about who's perfect and who isn't, but that response is not warranted.

That all sounds a bit full on, maybe you need to dial things back a bit rather then trying to figure out to do next and take stock of what you have now.
Is your wife getting any support with her depression
Have you personally reached out to any of the male help lines if you are having suicidal thoughts?