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[Adaddyoftwo]

Once again I find that I have to explain myself for seemingly something that should not have proked the reaction given.

Just to clear a few things up first.

We live in a lovely house in a great area with two beautiful children, we have no immediate health issues, no money worries, no lack of family friends or support. I'm a clean, tidy, respectable good man husband who works full time and recently left a job that I loved to earn money money to support my families ever changing needs. I keep semi fit and do my fair share of chores around the house including the majority of the cooking, shopping and kids bathtime/bedtime etc.

I supported my wife through a job and career change that earned significantly less money during Covid and continue to do so, so that she can pursue a career in another line of work, which is significantly less

I also supported her through anxiety, depression, PTSD and withdrawal from physical affection for 2 years, and most recently a mental health issue that may or may not have been brought about from Covid, this means a total disconnect and numbness within the house. My weekends are spent doing chores and household work, whilst also involving the kids where possible, taking them out or involving them in cutting the lawn or the hedges. Also stood by her side during all of this without any lack of disconnect, my primary concern will always be her and my children's wellbeing.

I've always gone out of my way to make sure my wife receives a memorable birthday, xmas, anniversary gift

• On a weekend I get up early with boys, singing songs with them, especially at xmas and then complains about getting woken up at 8am.

I send boys up to bedroom on her lay in day with breakfast menu, complains about getting woken up for surprise breakfast, hence no more breakfast in bed.

• I regulary take time off work to do up house and garden, including fitting new floors, kitchen, full room renovation and rebuilding of parts of the house

• I regularly work from home so will when possible use my lunch time to either take the kids for a walk or finish early so we can eat together

I have loads of incentive to make the house look nice or buy for example throw cushoing and accesories or paint, but the it is always on me to suggest going to look, then spends more time looking at phone/not interested.

Doesnt like suggestions or when trying to decide on things that are nice or finish the home

When I do house work or bring in the washing its "not folded", or the floor I've just mopped is too wet.

I Booked half day of work, first time off in a year for a desperate mental health check in with a friend, she accidently sent a message to me complaining to a friend about me taking a half day, I said nothing and let it pass, I've recently started feeling really down and negative, to the point where I actually thought about suicide and how I might do it, more so because it seems no matter what I do the feedback and response is negative and I feel pretty worthless. Money shouldn't come in to it, but I've spent £1000s and countless hours in the house and garden to make it nice.

We had a conversation about not having a many pictures of the kids in the house so I asked us to come up with a canvas design, which took a while and eventually a lovely large canvas of pictures of boys turns up, but spouse didnt want it in the living room on any wall, almost like to the point where resented that I had the incentive to purchase it and do it and its now on the wall in the playroom, where only the kids go really.

Mentioned getting a caravan so we can go off on weekends, and not spend all of our time in the house/house chores on a weekend, but had no interest so I sold my "project car" that was used maybe once a month for an hour and now currently looking for a caravan to purchase with the funds so we can get away with the kids, bought a mountain bike as surprise present when eldest got his so there's the ability to go biking with him, butused once.

My spouse recently started a new diet to loose a bit of weight and get some self confidence back which I think is great, good for her, really proud and happy and encouraged it, but it's now cause a massive argument and a fall out simply because I wanted to go shopping for food in the morning and spend the afternoon with the boys, I was happy to go shopping twice in the weekend, but I was asked to wait until a menu was released from some website. I have limited time at the weekends and I just wanted to see the boys and do something fun without getting broken off. So off we went shopping and then once came home took the boys out for some fun and lunch.

I came back home and cut the hedges/lawn whilst involving the kids to give her some time alone, the next thing I know I'm being shouted at for looking in to seeing if the venue we'd been at during lunch had a date free and if my parents friends had a date free for a surprise 60th birthday party for my mother, It was a spare of the moment idea that slipped my mind when I got home and took me a while to register what was going on.

Since that moment I've had nothing but aggro grief, more shouting and abuse that im not listening to her and she "cant do it anymore". I've really lost as to what I've done wrong here and Im reaching out to get some clarity or non biased opinion. Im not perfect, I may go silent when threatened or have to spend a day or two weighing something up before responding, but currently I just feel like a total failure as a husband.

that I offered to do the shopping twice to ensure she had the menu of choice, more so I didnt have to be anywhere at a certain time with the kids. I work rediculous long hours all week and hardly see them so when the weekend comes shopping for a special diet isn't my priority as she's more than capable of going to the shops herself with the new car that was purchased last year.

See this doesn't make sense. Why would you go twice but not just wait till the menu came on line? You work long hours and so her diet isn't a priority doesn't quite match with your supportive super-self. You hardly see the kids so who is looking after them while you do the long hours and does your wife work... How many hours, is it manual? And then your comment re the car and her going herself... Where did that come from?

If my boys want to sing and dace at 8am with their daddy, thats whats going to happen, I couldn't care if the queen was in the house. They are only young once and I don't want to waste a minute of fun with them.... The"queen" was in the house... Lovely. And Christmas morning is fine to prioritise a sleeping mum for another hour or so especially if she's been wrapping presents blah de blah till gawd knows when... There's no requirement for loud singing.... It's actually a shitty thing to do and almost weaponising the boys.

The gifts sound lovely but were they what your wife wanted?

Does your wife ever make dinner, does she tidy up afterwards?

I'm confused as to why you think it odd that your wife would not be looking forward to going on holiday with your in laws when your marriage is in such an awful state. It sounds a horrendous idea.

And why didn't you run the 60th past your wife. The fact she's so angry about it suggests that its something that you know would piss her off. I bet it's not the first time you've done something with/for your family without consulting her.

As for her being short with the kids and slamming doors.... That could describe nearly every mother I've ever known at certain low points. It's hardly child abuse and yes...quite petty.

What did your wife say to her friend in the accidental message?

My feeling is that you are really NOT listening to your wife. You are so wrapped up in the wonderful idea of yourself and the terrible awful wife you have that you can't see the wood for the trees. What does your mum and dad say about your wife?

And guess what... Your wife is allowed to be angry and express that. You seem to think that you are the better one who is calm and thinks about things and then returns...hmmmm... Many people who describe themselves like that are actually pretty passive aggressive... Bit like the singing in the morning.... That's as passive aggressive as it gets, as is the breakfast in bed.

It sounds like the situation has escalated since your second DC was born. Did / does your DW have PND?

When is the last time you remember being relaxed, happy and bonded together as a family?

It sounds like you are doing your fair share and trying really hard to have a good marriage and famiy life, but your wife isn't interested.

That could be because she is depressed or another health problem, (which your op suggests is probably the case) or it could be that she's checked out of your marriage. I suppose there could be a third option which is that she is just not a very nice person. I think given you are aware she has had MH problems it is likely number 1.

Whatever the reason or cause, from your op it seems that you have suggested ways to improve things but your wife won't engage. I appreciate you can't force her but she clearly needs help for her MH problems.

Only you know how long you can put up with this if she refuses help.

In the meantime, don't try too hard. You are doing your fair share, ensuring your DC are well cared for, and have made your wife aware that you are keen to make things better. If you keep pushing her she might pull away further. Perhaps you could lay it out once and for all 'I love you and I love our family. I want us to have a happy family life. I want to support you in whatever help you / we need. Tell me what you need'. And then get on with making as good a life as you can for you and your DC.

/what's her perspective?
What would she say the problem is?
Can you guess what she'd say the issue between you is?

This has got to be a reverse. What with all the usage of "spouse".