Help me to see my own worth and not waiver

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm having counselling. My ex partner I kicked out begining of June for suspected cheating and later discovered drug use. He's desperate to come back, and I did waiver but I now have asked for 1 month of space to sort my head out and make sure I'm making the decision because its right not because I'm scared and his badgering me. I do love him but I really belive his behaviour is awful and I deserve better/he will never change.
He's messaged or called every single day since I asked for space 3 days ago.
I made a list of lies/incidnets since our baby was born who is now 3:
Summer 2018 when I was pregnant on adult fetish site messaging other user for personal photos.
Autum 2018: lying about contact with an ex. Which didn't matter apart from the lie.
Winter 2019: I was away with our toddler and he invited another women to stay in my house. She declined but I saw messaged, he deleted them before I confronted him.
Winter 2020 took another women to an event and didn't tell me about it. Always tells me whose going with for work, so it was odd. He works with women all the time so it was really odd for him to not tell me, I don't care and this person doesn't work for him or in the industry. Agreed no contact with her as I was unhappy and don't work together.
End may 2021 : saw contact on phone as using it as mine was flat with same woman, he then deleted messaged after as didn't know I saw. Just caht nothing sinister.
Early June : took the smae woman away for a weekend event, deleted all contact, lied about who was there and asked our joint friends to lie she was there with him. They didn't and I found out through social media. I threw him out for the lying/poss cheating and later discovered drug use as well.

I know I am a mug, but he's soo convincing that it's all in my head but I know I'm not wrong. The drugs alone and lies are enough.
How do I give my head a good wobble?

[WhiskeyGalore212]

So his kidsfron a previous stayed with you (Ii.e. he didn't have to.house and entertain them when he had them) and lived with you presumanly.without having to pay any rent or mortgage (?)

Becoming clearer some of the reasons he's been begging abd badgering so hard to come back.

There are a lot of separated men with kids, separated because of their shit behaviour, who.move onto women who provide for them.- accommodation, cleaning, cooking, all the domestic work for their kids when they visit, entertainment for kids when visit etc.

They're users (and they often don't mind having children with baby mother #2 if it makes her even more invested and committed).

[WhiskeyGalore212]

*his kids from a previous relationship

[RandomMess]

Seriously block him.

One final message. I asked for months space and you have refused to do that so I am blocking you for one month from today you can see DS on 2X of August provided you have a clean drugs test. If you contact me then this relationship is over for good.

How is that for a boundary and to get space?

What's going to change he will carry on with his hobby job and you will continue to have him as a teenager draining off your hard earned money, time, emotional support and love.

The only person he loves is himself he doesn't even provide for or lol after his older DC. He is incapable of being a decent father or partner.

[Dontforgetyourbrolly]

@Pleaseaddcaffine I'm not minimising your feelings but often it's easier to look at things objectively, and although it doesn't feel like it now , a year on you will be over it .
Well done getting all the practical stuff sorted, stay strong- get your friends and family around you. I guarantee they will be pleased you are leaving him and will support you

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I know and thank you. Time does help

[Dozer]

Yes, go to CMS for the money and seek formal arrangements re your DC.

The ‘boundaries’ thing is indeed important, but don’t disregard the drug use and cheating.

It’s not ‘balance of probabilities’ that he cheated based on the list of incidences you outlined - he clearly did cheat and is untrustworthy.

He began with all this when you were pregnant and your DC is now 3. That’s several years of pain and missed opportunities to get out of this awful relationship. At this point, returning to him, you’d knowingly be signing up for more, to your and your DC’s - and his DCs’ - detriment.

Minimise contact and you’ll feel better much sooner.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

He earns so little the cms claim wouldn't be worth it but its chidls money so I need to claim it

[Queenie6655]

@Journeynotdestination

You are trauma bonded to this man. He sounds exactly like my ex. It becomes like a drug. You have to be strong OP, and get some counselling if you can afford it. You are worth so much more than this. 1.5 years in from ending it with my ex and I can’t believe I put up with the anxiety. Your instincts are right & you must move on. Your life will be immeasurably better without him.

This

Absolutely so true

So sorry OP
Plus he should not be badgering you if you asked for some distance !!

[RandomMess]

@Pleaseaddcaffine how are you today, I am so worried you will take him back. He has stolen so much of your life so far.

I hope you are able to stay strong.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Hi I'm not great today, soo over tierd and emotional. Toddler was up all night again. I've got to clean a whole house, try n get things sorted on zerosleep

[RandomMess]

Just do the minimum.

Hugs

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I was away with our toddler and he invited another women to stay in my house

FUCK TO THE NO!

You can and you will be independant without this absolute wasteman. He can't even respect you enough to stfu and leave you alone.

He's out keep him out. No contact whatsoever unless it's about maintenance or access. Anything about you and him completely ignore or end the call.

I wouldn't even trust someone like this with my precious child, who's only goal in life is taking drugs and getting up in as many women as possible.

You need to be resolute in stonewalling him and claw back your relf respect. It will come back I promise you but you need to dig deep and grit your teeth through the interim period. If he can't talk to you he can't worm his way back in.

You may love this guy but re-read your list and ask youraelf: would somebody who really loved you do you dirty like this???

Why miss out on being someone's everything to keep someone in your life who treats you as a doormat and a mealticket?

Stop thinking with your emotions and think with cold, hard logic. It will serve you well in this scenario.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Thanks I know. Said all innocent and not like that, he's the kind of convincing and making it seem innocent ie just a friend having hard time etc but in cold written form isn't really another excuse.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I mean all of it is shocking and absolutely awful but the outright cockiness and disrespect of your home would have made me want his head mounted on the wall like a fucking hunting trophy!

If you want a respectful relationship with a good man you have to let this revolting loser go to make way for it.

This thing is a pathological liar and compulsive cheat who has shown no interest on intention of changing his behaviour.

Give yourself some peace and don't give this repulsive little prick any more chances to disrespect you.

[Comtesse]

You are financially sorted, he is not. It’s not hard to see why he’s making a fuss now. Ughhhh, stay strong

[YeokensYegg]

Is he the one with the hobby job who does nothing? He wants his cushy life back for 350 pm. where he does nothing and you do it all.

How much longer are you going to nurse this waste of space along?

Go back and read the things you've posted about him.
Then block this cocklodger everywhere and be done with him.
Tell your therapist you need help staying away from him.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Yep, on paper it's obvious.

[YeokensYegg]

@Pleaseaddcaffine

How are things going?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Okay ish we're going to go to relate counselling as a compromise, to try and see if there is a way through or at very least if we can Co parnet more effecivly.
How he behaves there I suspect will tell me all I need to know and hopefulky I can focus on what I need generally too.
Plus side my sons new double room is nearly ainted and he has a new bed coming. Finding single parting very hard as he won't sleep. Hopefully it will help

[RandomMess]

Please do not fall for his bullshit.

Is he prepared to quit his hobby job and starting earning money to support all his DC? Remember minimum wage job would earn him more and he would have more time to parent ALL his DC.

[RandomMess]

Oh and he needs to pay for relate counselling, he has had money for drugs and taking the OW away!

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

He is paying for it. And it's a non negotiable condition changing jobs

[RandomMess]

Hurrah!!

I would very much state that he needs to live out and have a new job for a minimum of 12 months and co-parent well before you will consider him moving back in.

Although tbh he has been abusive to you for so long I think you should stay well clear forever.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Conditions would be:
Trust has to be rebuild... Not sur eif possible hence counselling.
New job
Live apart 12mths.

[RandomMess]

And do his share of parenting!!

Hopefully you won't be feeding and looking after his DC during this time?

I really don't think he is trustworthy. Sadly I think he thought he could play you for a fool