Help me to see my own worth and not waiver

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

I'm having counselling. My ex partner I kicked out begining of June for suspected cheating and later discovered drug use. He's desperate to come back, and I did waiver but I now have asked for 1 month of space to sort my head out and make sure I'm making the decision because its right not because I'm scared and his badgering me. I do love him but I really belive his behaviour is awful and I deserve better/he will never change.
He's messaged or called every single day since I asked for space 3 days ago.
I made a list of lies/incidnets since our baby was born who is now 3:
Summer 2018 when I was pregnant on adult fetish site messaging other user for personal photos.
Autum 2018: lying about contact with an ex. Which didn't matter apart from the lie.
Winter 2019: I was away with our toddler and he invited another women to stay in my house. She declined but I saw messaged, he deleted them before I confronted him.
Winter 2020 took another women to an event and didn't tell me about it. Always tells me whose going with for work, so it was odd. He works with women all the time so it was really odd for him to not tell me, I don't care and this person doesn't work for him or in the industry. Agreed no contact with her as I was unhappy and don't work together.
End may 2021 : saw contact on phone as using it as mine was flat with same woman, he then deleted messaged after as didn't know I saw. Just caht nothing sinister.
Early June : took the smae woman away for a weekend event, deleted all contact, lied about who was there and asked our joint friends to lie she was there with him. They didn't and I found out through social media. I threw him out for the lying/poss cheating and later discovered drug use as well.

I know I am a mug, but he's soo convincing that it's all in my head but I know I'm not wrong. The drugs alone and lies are enough.
How do I give my head a good wobble?

[RandomMess]

Well done you!!!

Do not keep this man child in your life that drags you down

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Side note. Just got law exam results, distinction. Epic, was so worried

[RandomMess]

Erm no he was controlling and used force on you.

There is nothing nice about him. He is desperately trying to get his feet back under the table to get his pretty much free bed and board for him and his older DC.

Even your counsellor has told you his gaslights you and us coercive and controlling.

Please wake up and end this relationship.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Update: counselling continuing. He seems to be listening and hasn't missed a payment for the dc and drugs test in all clear.
Counseler mentioned at our solo session some behaviours were controlling and gaslighting from him. So I've been thinking on that as I was advised to do so and we have our next joint session in 2 weeks.

Only slight thing is he seems to have developed a temper which I've never seen before in last 6 years together. He was drunk and I walked away to bed and he held me down by my one wrist and was upset, I asked him repeatedly to let go as he was scaring me. He didn't but did after 5 min leave. This is really odd for me and him, I'm 6ft and never really feel threatened, so it's very out of character for him.
Generally things improving and little one gets 30 free hours in Sept which will help massively for me and work

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He's very pursasive and I'm trying for our family unit but I'm not an utter fool, I'm protecting myself as well.

I think you need to reassess these three things and how they interconnect - he's very persuasive, you're trying for your family unit, you are protecting yourself as well.

The middle one (trying for your family unit) needs reframing- your family unit as such should now in your head ne you and your children, when it comes to the family unit who can healthily live together.

It is not in their best interest to grow up in a family unit (as regards living under one roof) with this man because he is a toxic influence and makes you unhappy and affects your mental wellbeing hugely.

So to protect yourself AND your family unit (you and the kids) you need to not let his skills of persuasion work on you.

You don't want them to grow up under the same roof as this dynamic.

That first paragraph was meant to quote you OP - bold fail.

He's very pursasive and I'm trying for our family unit but I'm not an utter fool, I'm protecting myself as well.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

He's very pursasive and I'm trying for our family unit but I'm not an utter fool, I'm protecting myself as well.

I think you need to reassess these three things and how they interconnect - he's very persuasive, you're trying for your family unit, you are protecting yourself as well.

The middle one (trying for your family unit) needs reframing- your family unit as such should now in your head ne you and your children, when it comes to the family unit who can healthily live together.

It is not in their best interest to grow up in a family unit (as regards living under one roof) with this man because he is a toxic influence and makes you unhappy and affects your mental wellbeing hugely.

So to protect yourself AND your family unit (you and the kids) you need to not let his skills of persuasion work on you.

You don't want them to grow up under the same roof as this dynamic.

[RandomMess]

Have you read the Lundy book "why does he do that?"

He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Why did his marriage end?

Why do you still listen to his words over looking at his actions? He still isn't walking the walk just saying things you want to hear and believe in.

The continuing with his hobby job and having DS for only a few hours per week is exactly who he is, utterly selfish and a crap disinterested father. You as a partner don't even seem to feature in his life.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

He's very pursasive and I'm trying for our family unit but I'm not an utter fool, I'm protecting myself as well. It's very sad its come to th is

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I just read over your first post again.

Christ, please just put yourself out of your misery and walk away from this drug loving, boundary breaking, lying, (definitely a cheat too), lazy loser and user.

Your son deserves to see his mum either thriving as a single and happy woman or in a relationship that is healthy and happy. He doesn't deserve to grow up in such a toxic dynamic, normalising awful relationships so they are all he will expect for himself.

He is making all the right noises in counselling because you're his meal ticket and you're familiar. Wake up and really think about whether a man capable of everything in your opening post is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

And whether you want that relationship to be one your son is likely to emulate either in your role or your partners role.

The guys a prick, mate. You shouldn't have to be taught how to not be a shit person who makes people feel shit about themselves. He would happily have carried on how he was if left unchallenged. That's who he is.

[RandomMess]

So a year of not doing his share of parenting DS, a year of contributing financially, a year of still sleeping around, a year of doing his hobby.

Could you be any lower on his list of priorities?

[RandomMess]

He is such a waste of space.

He winds his business down part time whilst actually getting a job that earns £

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Ha he wants a year to wind down the business and not have to declare bankruptcy. One of issues for counselling as I don't trust him to close it.

[RandomMess]

So the new job hasn't materialised yet.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Works away, his house a state and too busy. He's having ds 1 day after childcare. I have ds everyday before n after childminder and less hours as school hols while working and then weekends.

[RandomMess]

Can you look at a childminder to do some care to relieve that?

[RandomMess]

And why isn't he taking DS out for days to do his share of childcare?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Honestly I'm apart from childcare pressure which are hard as a single in school holidays while working full time, enjoying livjngng alone.

[RandomMess]

Sadly I think that's exactly why he wants to be with you;

Nice home for him
Nice home for his older DC
Cheap home
Domestic services on tap
Childcare on tap
Doing his hobby
Money to do his hobby, smoke, drugs

Yes you need to prioritise you and DS 100%

He needs to be completely independently providing for himself and all his DC.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Thought I'd update counseling with relate went well actually. Very clear goals and that's good.
His living situation is vile, I'm deeply concerned that he wants to be home with me for its easier reasons not really love. But I can investigate this at counselling and keep moving forward with life.
I realised I need to be a bit more selfish and me focused for now, my needs matter so I'm putting things in place around that.
Generally more posative however it works out

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

God no I won't be having kids. My sons got the double that I'm decorating now. So that's that it's his room now

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Me too hence the counselling. If he minamise what he's done or isn't pen then shows no intention of changing.
At least I can hold my head high n say I tried my best for my boy

[RandomMess]

And do his share of parenting!!

Hopefully you won't be feeding and looking after his DC during this time?

I really don't think he is trustworthy. Sadly I think he thought he could play you for a fool

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Conditions would be:
Trust has to be rebuild... Not sur eif possible hence counselling.
New job
Live apart 12mths.

[RandomMess]

Hurrah!!

I would very much state that he needs to live out and have a new job for a minimum of 12 months and co-parent well before you will consider him moving back in.

Although tbh he has been abusive to you for so long I think you should stay well clear forever.

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

He is paying for it. And it's a non negotiable condition changing jobs