Tell me not to message him

[gindreams]

I feel obsessed with a man who has slept with me and ghosted me or at least isn't replying anymore

I think if I don't message him I will never hear from him again so please tell me not to message him

Well done for blocking 🚫👏 It's easy to get obsessed/caught up in someone. I think the trick is to try and keep your eyes open and block as soon as they start being disrespectful or anything. X

What happened? Have you only met a few times?

Blocking him is a good idea because these types of a-holes always come back.

Also having sex can make you feel that you're more into someone than you actually are.

Well done. I think it is natural to feel slighted even if you're not that interested. And probably, as you say he wasn't great, if he was interested you may not be.

Never message a man who ghosts you. It won't help and they dont deserve it. No issue with him not being interested but the polite thing to do would be to let you know.

I met him online when I was in another part of the country and we chatted for months during lockdown and then when he was working down here we met up a few times and then had sex

I know the rational side of my head knows I have been played but reading these replies makes me feel so much better

@Sakurami slighted is exactly how I feel

Thank you for verbalising it 😊

@ScrollingLeaves I shall meet a friend for a swim or we might even grab some fish and chips and watch the sunset

I know I have very bad taste in men sometimes so I am trying to be proactive and stop obsessing before I lose my mind 😊

The day you’ve planned sounds really lovely.
I hope you find something special every day no matter how small.

Have you considered the possibility that obsessing might sometimes be the mind’s way of covering up some unrelated anxieties or troubles? Of course you would be thinking of him after what happened, that is natural, but are there other things that are going on, or have happened in the past, affecting your life?

Put him out of your head, you'll forget about him in no time. He's nothing special is he? - as he's proved himself.

It's the unavailability which touches our self-confidence strings and makes us think "why wasn't I good enough?". The answer is, you were WAY TOO GOOD for him and he couldn't have handled you. You deserve so much better!

Thank you again ! This really does help !

I mean I even thought on the date you are a tiny bit boring but still the obsession starts

I shall treat myself to something nice to celebrate a week of no contact when I have done it !

Good for you OP
🍷

Have a look into why you have this behaviour pattern before you continue dating, and you'll save yourself a whole bunch of hassle.

What example of 'relationship' did your parents set for you? Were they happy and respectful of each other? Did they listen to each other? Did they listen to you?

Patterns often develop from childhood, so 'trying not to be like that' isn't enough. Sometimes you need to get to the root of it, develop an understanding, and then you can learn how to avoid repeating things.

It’s quite old fashioned but I found a book called The Rules super helpful when I used to date (back in the day). It was firm about bring boundaried and it had the phrase “Next” when someone wasn’t right for you. This is a classic example where “Next” is the only way……

I hate feeling obsessed!
Still keeping him blocked !

@gindreams

I hate feeling obsessed! Still keeping him blocked !

You can actually choose to re-direct your thoughts. I didn't think this was do-able, but it is. Every time he comes into your head, think of something else, preferably some kind of story you can tell in your head that lasts for a while, or a song you can sing for a few minutes. Purely to get your brain out of the habit of spending time on him. It doesn't feel like it's working to start with, but then you find yourself whistling the song when you're walking past somewhere that would normally remind you of the obsession.

@TheFoundations thank you I shall definitely try that it sounds like great advice

Yes to Foundations advice.

And if you look into Mindfulness a bit, what helps is the idea that you cannot prevent a thought coming into your head while you count your breaths ( or you could be doing anything).

But what you do, rather than act, panic, or try to block that intrusive thought, is to just mindfully notice it. Then, having done that, you go back to your breathing/ other activity.

@ScrollingLeaves

Thank you again

I actually can't bear to tell any of my friends this as I went through last year something similar and I was a lot worse

Mindfulness is a very good thing

I feel quite sure you will be turning a corner after this Gindreams.

@ScrollingLeaves

Thank you

I have taken your advice and booked myself a few nice things this weekend

@Babymamamama

It’s quite old fashioned but I found a book called The Rules super helpful when I used to date (back in the day). It was firm about bring boundaried and it had the phrase “Next” when someone wasn’t right for you. This is a classic example where “Next” is the only way……

I find "Get. Turned. Off." more helpful myself. The concept of "next!" never rang true for me because it could take years to like somebody else.

So the reminder to myself to get turned off by people treating me badly resonated more for me.

It works. A man lucky enough to be SEEN by me, who discarded me? What a turn off.

@ItPearl

I'm stealing that idea ! I really like it

That’s so nice that you’ve got some lovely things booked this’weekend.

Have a lovely weekend Gindreams.