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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Swallow pride and anger and keep house? or walk away

63 replies

feeficken · 22/07/2021 11:50

I don't have anyone I can talk this out with so I just wanted some opinions, DW stepped out of our marriage about 18 months ago deciding she wanted to be with a co-worker she had been texting for months. Quite honestly she's put me through a hellish time bouncing back and forth between me and the OM while living in our house (with me) and at one point I moved out and came back because she wanted to give it another only for her to decide she wanted to be with OM.

The last six months she has been living with me in our home and seeing the OM (she's not paid a penny towards anything). She has finally informed me she is looking to move out in a couple of weeks and in the same breath wants me to pay her the equity that's hers in the house (I have no problem doing that).

Problem is I don't have the money to buy her outright so she said she will take it monthly instead until the balance is paid, I am feeling pretty angry as it is and then telling me she's found a place and that she wants her equity in the same breath and just made me feel even more angry. Its like she's blown up all of our lives and acting like all this is just water off a ducks back, if she'd just moved out and gave me a breather then we could have spoken about what the next step was.

My DC are grown up but have recently moved back home so I have them both here. So do I just swallow my anger and pride and pay her the equity she's owed in the monthly amount OR just sell the house and each take the share and be done with it? The monthly amounts feel like I am funding him and her, I know that sounds stupid and I should rise above it, also just feels like we will be tied to each other for years to come as the payments would be made over the next 5 years.

OP posts:

ScrollingLeaves · 22/07/2021 13:11

It sounds like you have had time to think, accept the relationship has ended even though you still love her, and that it would suit you best to have an absolute break and a fresh start. So;

See a solicitor.
Work out her share ( taking all shared costs into account).
Sell the house and get yourself a new one.

It might get all be a great relief in the end.

Derbee · 22/07/2021 13:19

Put the house on the market and drag out the sale. You presumably don’t need to pay her the equity until the house has sold. I’d just ensure it takes a bloody long time. She deserves it

BillMasen · 22/07/2021 13:51

“ All assets and debts need to be considered. Pensions, share, savings, cars, furniture, mortgage, personal debt, credit cards. As above if her pension is larger you might be able to trade her getting less or no house equity in return for getting to keep her pension in tact. Personally I'd remortgage or sell to buy her out, not do monthly payments unless there's a clear way to ensure she has no come back if she changes her mind. Get legal advice before discussing with her.”

This post above is spot on. There are a whole raft of assets and liabilities and the split of those is to be determined (likely 50:50 but not necessarily). Don’t make a decision on one before knowing and deciding all of them.

All the best, and you have my sympathies. It’s an awful time and she’s messed you around. Try and make decisions with the head not the heart (easy to say I know)

Original poster

feeficken · 22/07/2021 21:49

I am definitely going to get some legal advice and mull this over, something in my gut says just cut and go, sell the house divide the profits and that’s the end of it and be done with it. I would be starting again but I am in my late 30s so it’s not so bad.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 23/07/2021 00:54

You're only in your late 30s, you'll be fine and be able to remortgage.

I don't know when you last remortgaged, but you may find that it's more affordable than you think, especially as interest rates are still low. My advice is a financial advisor for your mortgage is worth their weight in gold.

Good luck, my exh did me the biggest favour, even though I see it in hindsight

Sakurami · 23/07/2021 01:34

Yes have a look at remortgaging vs selling and buying including all the fees.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 01:40

You're still so young, op. Get a solicitor, get rid of the house, and create a whole new fresh start for yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2021 01:46

Clean break. Every time.

Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 01:46

You don't need to make a decision now. Let her move out and start the divorce process. Its unlikely you will be paying spousal support, definitely not CMS.

She isn't paying any bills in the house. So let her move out. Give yourself time to make the decisions. Explore the options fully.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 23/07/2021 01:57

Any other assets to split? Retirement funds? Pensions? Savings? Cars? Do you have other debt besides a mortgage?

In my case, he kept the house and I kept almost all my retirement funds.

You need to talk to an attorney before you agree to anything.

Also, that whole time she was living in the house and not contributing should be credited to you or charged to her. We had to sign off on temporary orders that specified how much we both contributed to the bills, insurance, mortgage, etc, until the final decree.

I'm in the US and I think the laws are not exactly the same.

BUT she doesn't get to just tell you how to split your assets without both of you figuring out who has what and who keeps what.

3luckystars · 23/07/2021 01:58

What age are your children?
You say ‘grown up’ but if they are under 18 then it is their house too. I would not do anything at all except seek legal advice and take my time. Good luck,

Original poster

feeficken · 23/07/2021 10:02

@3luckystars the kids are over 18. I was pretty angry yesterday that in one hand she says she might have a new place and then in the same breath asks me for money so I know its not the time to be making big decisions, I don't think I would have been so angry had she moved out and not been dating OM while living here and gave me some breathing space, at this stage I am swayed just to have a clean break and take my share of the house and rent for a while save for another couple of years and get back on the market myself.

I think the excuse also angered me saying she asked me about the money because I'd asked her to leave, which I didn't I have for the last 18 months picked me dance like an idiot trying to save our marriage. All I said to her was we can't keep living like this and that was it.

OP posts:

specialagentoso100 · 23/07/2021 10:07

Legal advice before anything!

BillMasen · 23/07/2021 13:25

The point is you don’t know what “your share” of the house is yet. If she has other assets like pension it may be that your share of the house is all of it. Please don’t give any assets or shares away until you’ve had advice and it’s all agreed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2021 14:55

Anger and financial decisions need to be separate. Both because you make really shit decisions when you're angry and because the law doesn't care about your feelings. I know that's difficult. Which is why legal advice is what you need.

You're right, you can't keep living like this. So choose not to. Icy resolve until it's done.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2021 15:00

If you’re married, you need to get divorced. Start there, not with ‘giving her the share of the equity’. That’s towards the end of the process, not now.

See a solicitor. Ask her to leave the house ASAP. Start divorce proceedings.

JustAnotherOldMan · 23/07/2021 15:09

@NoSquirrels

If you’re married, you need to get divorced. Start there, not with ‘giving her the share of the equity’. That’s towards the end of the process, not now.

See a solicitor. Ask her to leave the house ASAP. Start divorce proceedings.

100% this, you are in the driving seat of your new life now, drive it into the future

KatherineJaneway · 23/07/2021 15:13

@NoSquirrels

If you’re married, you need to get divorced. Start there, not with ‘giving her the share of the equity’. That’s towards the end of the process, not now.

See a solicitor. Ask her to leave the house ASAP. Start divorce proceedings.

Agree with this

aiwblam · 23/07/2021 15:18

Don’t do anything without legal advice.

She can move out, but no way should you pay her until everything is formalised. She can get whatever money she’s entitled to when the divorce is finalised.

The ideal would be to sell the house and buy something smaller with your half of the proceeds and a mortgage.

lafiesansvert · 23/07/2021 15:56

@feeficken

Speaking as a 50 something, late 30s is still very young @feeficken

Plus I'm a firm believer in people never being too old to start anything. There's a whole world of opportunity out there for you. What is something you've always wanted to do but haven't? Maybe now is the time to start planning for that.

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 23/07/2021 16:09

@RandomMess

I would only buy her out by remortgaging.

Please seek financial advice.

Have you both had pensions valued as they need taking into account too, whose is likely to be worth the most?

I like this ideas.

If you want to stay in the house.

Otherwise, sell. Clean break. You can both move on with your lives

QuentinBunbury · 23/07/2021 16:16

If you are married you are both liable for the mortgage. She's not entitled to her equity unless you divorce. But equally if she moves out she doesn't have to pay mortgage/maintenance costs etc.

I suggest you see a solicitor and get mediation to agree assets and how to move forward with divorce.

From the outside it sounds like she has no regard for your interests so protect yourself - there is no rush to sell the house if you can pay the mortgage.

Soontobe60 · 23/07/2021 16:24

I also would look to see if you can remortgage and buy her out outright. That way, the house has to be valued by the lender, so you get a true value and will know just how much equity is in the house. Also, her name will be removed from the deeds ‘ current mortgage so she will have no future claim on the property.

Mia85 · 23/07/2021 16:41

@Soontobe60

She could have a future claim if he buys her out without having finalised the financial aspects of the divorce. As PP have said he should do nothing with the house until they've agreed all the financial arrangements and had them finalised in a consent order. If they skip that step there's always a risk that she could come back for more in the future, esp if the OP wins the lottery!

JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 23/07/2021 17:32

Echoing PPs you need to take immediate legal advice on what the equity split would be and see if you can remortgage for that amount before you make any decisions on financial terms of the divorce.

Theres no way I’d start renting at your age and in your situation if I could help it. Renting is very insecure, you could get a shit Landlord or have to move every 6 months which will eat up savings in moving costs, deposits etc. Your DC, although adults (must still be very young though), might benefit from the security of ‘home’ as well. This must be very difficult to deal with for all of you. You could make a fresh start when she’s gone by redecorating together, moving rooms around etc.

As soon as she’s gone, change the locks so she can’t come in unannounced.

Would she refuse to leave do you think, if you don’t agree to start giving her money straight away? Does she need it for her new set up?

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