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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dwindling sex life at 32

39 replies

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 16:52

Name changed

For background, I've been with DP for 3.5 years, I'm 32 and he is in his mid 40s. Our relationship is fantastic, he is kind, supportive, loyal, funny, attractive and we share the same taste in music, TV/films etc.

For the first few months of our relationship we had loads of sex (every night, and several times per weekend) after about 6 months it became like once a week, normally on a Friday or Saturday, which I wasn't complaining about but it did feel a little predictable.

Whenever we went on holiday or trips away I would always expect it to happen (because we were away!) and was usually disappointed. For example, we went on a two week Greek holiday and stayed in this beautiful hotel by the beach and DTD once and only because I asked

Last year I got pregnant and sex was completely off the table for medical reasons (I bled heavily for the whole pg) and we haven't had sex since.

I had DD earlier this year (by c section, so no injuries) she is nearly 4 months old now and sleeps through the night but I'm still waiting despite numerous hints...(I've had my 8 week check up / I'm just off to my wax appointment). FWIW I take good care of myself and I've lost nearly all the baby weight.

We are normally really good at communicating except when it comes to this topic, but he is always much more open after a few drinks so the weekend before last after she had gone to sleep we had a glass of wine and a nice dinner and I plucked up the courage to bring it up. I told him I feel unattractive, unloved, unsexy etc. because there is no intimacy and he said none of those things are true, he loves me very much, and that me and DD are the best thing that's ever happened to him.

We have a beautiful baby, we are getting married in a few months and our relationship is so happy but my confidence is on the floor and I just can't sit around any longer and hope this gets better because I know it won't. I can hardly cancel the wedding over this but also I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him to want to have sex again.

I don't know what to say to him to make him understand how much this is affecting me and what suggestions I can make to sort this out?

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/07/2021 16:57

Dont marry him ffs!

What happens when you initate sex?
What happens when you initiate a conversation about your sex life?

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/07/2021 17:00

I think that when sex dwindled to once a week after just a few months, and once on holiday, was the sign that sex isn’t particularly a priority for him.

You’ve told him how you feel and I presume nothing has changed? I don’t think there’s anything further you can do. Sex drive is really quite an innate thing, and if somebody doesn’t have much of one it’s an uphill battle. You absolutely can cancel the wedding over it - it’s far better to accept that this is something which makes you incompatible, which you cannot live with because it makes you unhappy, than to go with the alternative of getting married, spending a couple more resentful sexless years together, and then divorcing anyway.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:15

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Dont marry him ffs!

What happens when you initate sex?
What happens when you initiate a conversation about your sex life?

If I initiate, properly, then it happens. But he never initiates. When I bring it up he just goes all shy and awkward and reassures me it's fine but nothing changes. I want to sort it but I don't know how

OP posts:

MrsTumbletap · 21/07/2021 17:16

It will only get worse in 1 year, 5 years 10 years. You are likely to be in sexless marriage (less than 10 times year is deemed sexless) in the future.

You need to decide how important this is to you, as it's not going to go away.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:18

I should add that I'm quite self conscious of my c section tummy which is why I haven't pushed anything since dd was born

OP posts:

flossletsfloss · 21/07/2021 17:19

When you brought the subject up at the weekend OP what did he say? What was the reason behind the lack of initiating? That's what I would want to know. Low sex drive? Childhood abuse? Lack of confidence? The reason is really important and is the key to solving this.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:19

@MrsTumbletap

It will only get worse in 1 year, 5 years 10 years. You are likely to be in sexless marriage (less than 10 times year is deemed sexless) in the future.

You need to decide how important this is to you, as it's not going to go away.

This is what I'm worried about. It's so sad because everything else about our relationships is so good

OP posts:

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:22

@flossletsfloss

He said it was because of the baby and him being tired but that's obviously not true. He promised he would try harder but he hasn't and I hate bringing it up because I'm so embarrassed

OP posts:

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:24

@flossletsfloss

He said it was because of the baby which obviously isn't true. He promised he would try harder but hasn't and I hate to keep bringing it up because it's embarrassing

OP posts:

flossletsfloss · 21/07/2021 17:25

Oh dear. I would go back to him and say you don't feel he's being honest. You need to get to the root of it before your marry him. The truth is what matters. Maybe another drink tonight... give him too many beers and get the truth out of him sexuality is very complex for some people. Don't give up too soon.

BasicDad · 21/07/2021 17:32

Agreed, don't give up too soon. But set out your boundaries and needs for your life.

PermanentTemporary · 21/07/2021 17:38

Would there be a way for you not to feel self conscious? Sex in the dark? Because it does sound as if you both avoid initiating at the moment.

I think you're brave and right to talk about it. Maybe he coped with you being unwell when pg by almost turning off his sex drive, and he never got it back. Is he afraid of hurting you?

One of the simplest things to do about sex is to think about it more. Could you reminisce about the old days? Verbally appreciate him, adore his body?

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:40

Thanks @flossletsfloss and @BasicDad I definitely don't want to give up. Best put some beers in the fridge...

OP posts:

mamamalt · 21/07/2021 17:41

I feel really sorry for you and would feel exactly the same if this was my relationship.
So after the nice wine and meal and conversation did you have sex?!
I don't know what to suggest without more input from him, like the pattern in previous relationships and so on! The first six months isn't very long for it to dwindle so far I don't think!
I know I definitely would need to raise it again through and talk it through.

RandomMess · 21/07/2021 17:42

It sounds like he just doesn't have much of a sex drive or he has a porn habit that is far less effort than having great sex with you.

I would certainly tell him it needs resolving or you won't be marrying.

Shelddd · 21/07/2021 17:42

Not sure what's the best way to bring it up but at his age it could be health related. I think you're putting it on yourself but it's most like hormonal or something else for him. Maybe a testosterone prescription might solve everything but will need to investigate other issues first.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:44

@PermanentTemporary
I'm feeling brave so going to try and discuss it tonight. It's been 9 months now so maybe it is some kind of mental block...

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 21/07/2021 17:47

Some people just have a low sex drive. I'm like that, mine has never been high even when I was younger. I never initiate because I don't have that need to, i get my fill of intimacy in other ways. Your partner probably feels the same way. Doesn't make anything wrong with us but I can promise you that no amount of talking about it can change it - it's just how we are built.

My ex and I went round and round about it as his drive was high and mine was low and he wanted me to want sex like he does and I just didn't. I"m sure your partner is the same way. Its nothing personal but people with high drives usually think it is. If this is going to be a priority to you then it's best to leave as soon as you can. I will not get better unless there's a medical reason behind it. I never got mine checked out because i don't feel like there's anything wrong with me.
Altho I always wonder why having a low drive is seen as a medical issue/something wrong when a high drive is seen as normal. shrug

MamaTutu2 · 21/07/2021 17:48

@NC210721 this is going to sound ridiculous (which it is tbh) but my DH is much better at talking about these things over text (we live together). He says it’s because he can consider what he’s saying so he actually gets across his point and isn’t put off by my face/eye rolling etc. Could be worth a try if he finds face to face difficult

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2021 17:51

Three things...

You have got to get over being embarrassed talking about your sex life. You say everything else in relationship is good, but that's hard to believe when you can't even properly communicate with him.

How invested is he really when he keeps giving you lip service about your sex life, something you have expressed serious concerns about? Words are cheap, believe his actions. He says you're the best thing that's ever happened to him, well he certainly isn't showing it.

DO NOT GET MARRIED. Not until this issue is rectified.

BasicDad · 21/07/2021 17:51

Get those beers in... There could be a number of underlying issues. He's no young pup, so it could be low-T related as PP mentioned. Also checks out if you were having loads of sex in the early days. Hormones can be very problematic for both sexes, and it's awful.

I absolutely detest going on holiday (especially with no kids around) and there being no sex. Feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart. I've had a few relationships like that, and I eventually called it off. I was called a bit of a pig for my attitude, but after a previous 16 year mostly sexless marriage, it was an instant red flag.

RandomMess · 21/07/2021 17:55

Really it was only the first 6 months max where your sex drive was satisfied.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 17:59

@mamamalt

I feel really sorry for you and would feel exactly the same if this was my relationship. So after the nice wine and meal and conversation did you have sex?! I don't know what to suggest without more input from him, like the pattern in previous relationships and so on! The first six months isn't very long for it to dwindle so far I don't think! I know I definitely would need to raise it again through and talk it through.

Err, no. I sort of thought because I'd said something and we had a nice evening it would happen. I'm obviously an idiot. I don't know how often is "normal" when it was once a week I didn't feel too hard done by but I could tell it wasn't a priority to him. I feel weird asking how often him and his exs had sex, not sure he would tell me

OP posts:

Disneyblue · 21/07/2021 18:00

My hubby and I have never had a great sex life really. For us it's the other way round. I have a low sex drive, always have. I've worried about it alot, but I love my husband heaps and he's so perfect other than that. We both accept it and we're ok with sex once a week, sometimes more sometimes less.
I wouldn't give up on him just yet, but I'd certainly be trying to sort it.
All it took for us was a proper conversation.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 18:02

[quote MamaTutu2]@NC210721 this is going to sound ridiculous (which it is tbh) but my DH is much better at talking about these things over text (we live together). He says it’s because he can consider what he’s saying so he actually gets across his point and isn’t put off by my face/eye rolling etc. Could be worth a try if he finds face to face difficult[/quote]
Texting is a good shout

OP posts:

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