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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dwindling sex life at 32

39 replies

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 16:52

Name changed

For background, I've been with DP for 3.5 years, I'm 32 and he is in his mid 40s. Our relationship is fantastic, he is kind, supportive, loyal, funny, attractive and we share the same taste in music, TV/films etc.

For the first few months of our relationship we had loads of sex (every night, and several times per weekend) after about 6 months it became like once a week, normally on a Friday or Saturday, which I wasn't complaining about but it did feel a little predictable.

Whenever we went on holiday or trips away I would always expect it to happen (because we were away!) and was usually disappointed. For example, we went on a two week Greek holiday and stayed in this beautiful hotel by the beach and DTD once and only because I asked

Last year I got pregnant and sex was completely off the table for medical reasons (I bled heavily for the whole pg) and we haven't had sex since.

I had DD earlier this year (by c section, so no injuries) she is nearly 4 months old now and sleeps through the night but I'm still waiting despite numerous hints...(I've had my 8 week check up / I'm just off to my wax appointment). FWIW I take good care of myself and I've lost nearly all the baby weight.

We are normally really good at communicating except when it comes to this topic, but he is always much more open after a few drinks so the weekend before last after she had gone to sleep we had a glass of wine and a nice dinner and I plucked up the courage to bring it up. I told him I feel unattractive, unloved, unsexy etc. because there is no intimacy and he said none of those things are true, he loves me very much, and that me and DD are the best thing that's ever happened to him.

We have a beautiful baby, we are getting married in a few months and our relationship is so happy but my confidence is on the floor and I just can't sit around any longer and hope this gets better because I know it won't. I can hardly cancel the wedding over this but also I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him to want to have sex again.

I don't know what to say to him to make him understand how much this is affecting me and what suggestions I can make to sort this out?

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/07/2021 18:03

Op did you not say that this has been going on before baby ?

suggestionsplease1 · 21/07/2021 18:05

Well it sounds like you've got a bit of a work-around, in that it happens if you initiate sex - why not just do this more often?

People's sexualities work differently at different times and it can be a bit of stereotype that men initiate more or have more of a spontaneous sexual desire, and women have more of a responsive sexual desire, but I really wouldn't get hung up on that. Everyone is an individual and it sounds like he might have more of a responsive desire than spontaneous desire at the moment (you can look this stuff up!)

If you can have a fulfilling sex life where you start things up more, why not? Please don't get hung up on an idea that he should be the one to initiate if you are able to do this - you have the solution at hand, haha.

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 18:08

@Aquamarine1029

Three things...

You have got to get over being embarrassed talking about your sex life. You say everything else in relationship is good, but that's hard to believe when you can't even properly communicate with him.

How invested is he really when he keeps giving you lip service about your sex life, something you have expressed serious concerns about? Words are cheap, believe his actions. He says you're the best thing that's ever happened to him, well he certainly isn't showing it.

DO NOT GET MARRIED. Not until this issue is rectified.

I'm not normally embarrassed about talking about sex but when he turns funny it makes me feel awkward too.

OP posts:

Original poster

NC210721 · 21/07/2021 18:13

Thanks for all the replies guys, I'll have to check back tomorrow, it's dd bath time and he will be home soon xx

OP posts:

Anothernick · 21/07/2021 18:40

@Aquamarine1029

Three things...

You have got to get over being embarrassed talking about your sex life. You say everything else in relationship is good, but that's hard to believe when you can't even properly communicate with him.

How invested is he really when he keeps giving you lip service about your sex life, something you have expressed serious concerns about? Words are cheap, believe his actions. He says you're the best thing that's ever happened to him, well he certainly isn't showing it.

DO NOT GET MARRIED. Not until this issue is rectified.

Good advice here. A loving partner should listen to the problems of the other one and do what he/she can to help. This applies to sex just as it does to finances, kids, unloading the dishwasher etc etc. You have a major problem which he can help with and he is not trying. Itbismoefectly reasonable of you to expect a sex life, that is what a partner is for (amongst other things of course) and failure to provide one is a serious threat to any relationship. I don't suppose there are any statistics but I'd be willing to bet that successful LTRs are more likely to be found amongst couples who are happy with their sex lives.

Tiw8 · 21/07/2021 19:09

Might be baby issues and might just be low SD as this started well before the latest drought. There is a good chance it might not get much better.

mamamalt · 21/07/2021 20:28

You're not stupid at all! I asked because I would have thought it would happen too!
There is no normal I guess but everyone has their own normal. But if its making you unhappy then that's what matters.
Sorry I know it would be uncomfortable to talk about exs and stuff but just might stop you reflecting it on yourself and it affecting your self esteem. So would knowing if it was a hormone thing too I guess but the only way to know is to talk about it! Maybe try the texting! Good luck

JustAnotherOldMan · 21/07/2021 20:41

If you initiate and everything works okay, probably not a plumbing issue, Sounds like once a week is where his natural sex drive is sitting at rather than once a day at the beginning,.

You need a full and frank about how this makes you feel, maybe a testosterone level check in order as well, but don’t really think it will go back to daily.

But what is you actually want ?

if it’s for him to initiate sex more often you might need to press this as an issue and ask for him to ‘step it up’ but you might find it gets a bit predictable as you alluded to in your original post
Sorry but as PP suggests, there is a good chance it may not get much better

Original poster

NC210721 · 22/07/2021 07:05

Thanks again for all your replies. Last night didn't quite go to plan...

He came in from work and told me he'd had a really bad day so we chatted about that, then DD had a massive meltdown and it took us ages to calm her down which resulted in me burning the dinner . We then sat down when all was calm to watch TV and he fell asleep straight away so I decided to leave the chat to another time.

Anyway, we went to bed and I don't know if I was giving off a vibe or if this was just a coincidence....but he initiated sex! I didn't want to ruin the moment afterwards so I just said I'd enjoyed it and had missed him and he said he had missed me too.

This morning while he was ironing his shirt I went to give him a hug and he winced. I asked what was wrong and he said he has a really bad pain in his stomach / groin. I asked if he thought it was because of last night and he said he wasn't sure but it has been coming on and off during the day while he is at work for a few weeks but he didn't say anything because he doesn't think it's anything to worry about but it feels worse today I said I'd try book him a doctors appointment :-/

OP posts:

Original poster

NC210721 · 22/07/2021 07:12

P.S I feel like a dick now

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 22/07/2021 07:55

Why do you feel bad?? You had a good time together!

Hope it's just a pulled muscle or similar (I've had one that's been a pain for a year so I don't discount them).

Sillawithans · 22/07/2021 10:06

I'm in a sexless relationship and it's soul destroying. We haven't had sex since April, before that it was March, before that, it was Feb and only once in those months. The sex in April was 2 mins. My advice is to run and keep on running. My partner is only 37.

19Bears · 22/07/2021 10:28

Until your update OP, I was going to say you really need to sort this out now as it seemed like some kind of emotional block. But if it is causing your partner physical pain then that is the think to deal with first. Hopefully the doc will sort things out and it will start to get better for you. Don't get stuck in a sexless marriage, it destroys you. I was 34 the last time me and dh had sex, I'm now 44.........

RandomMess · 22/07/2021 10:33

It what about all the years between the first few months and now?

He said he's been in pain a few weeks.

Also one shag occasionally doesn't cure the problem you said on here which is basically after the first few months it dwindled massively then after 6 months it became sexless as per definition above.

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