My reactions are out of control, please help

[Reasonabella]

I have a serious issue with abandonment. It terrifies me. I have had therapy for it. I am still having therapy.

I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and I love him. But I have severe panic and anxiety if I notice any chance in his behaviour including:

1. If he is busier than usual and sends what I would call a short or snappy message or something not in his usual style. I think he’s going off me.

1. If he can’t make plans we have or has to re arrange. I think he’s going off me.

1. If he doesn’t want sex. I am getting better at this and trusting he’s just not in the mood but I will reflect on it and it causes me stress.

1. If he isn’t in contact or hasn’t said he misses me after even a day ( this obviously happens a lot as there’s no missing someone after a day!). I think he’s going off me.

I manage mostly to keep this to myself but the anxiety is suffocating. I feel angry and defensive and want to play games with him. I will sometimes be passive aggressive , then apologise.

I am so angry with myself as I am a good girlfriend aside from this. I can be caring and patient and understanding and loving. But the moment I feel abandonment or impending abandonment I feel physically sick and sometimes can’t control my reactions. Mostly I will reflect days later, after I’ve seen him again, and think how silly I’ve been. But in the moment my anxiety is sky high. I’m also very independent with a good job and decent pay. I don’t know where the insecurity comes from as I don’t need to rely on him for things.

Can anyone help?

Have a read about Anxious attachment style https://markmanson.net/attachment-styles

I've found this helpful https://instagram.com/thesecurerelationship?utmmedium=copyy_link

You have my sympathies OP, it is horrible. Does he do anything in particular which triggers you? Or is he generally thoughtful and reliable?

You could read up on attachment styles, it sounds like you're anxious attachment.

@Defiantly41 thank you

@LittleBigDipper it’s mostly when I don’t hear from him until late at night. But sometimes he’s just working. I know rationally he wouldn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t really express much emotion in texts so when we are apart it’s a bit hard. If he was a bit gushing in messages then I would feel re assured. In person he’s affectionate and shows me he loves me all the time. I find being apart very hard.

Exhausting isn't it? You have my sympathy, I'm the exact same. I have ruined a lot of relationships with my constant (daily) need for some kind of reassurance. Short messages, lack of a good morning text, too long to reply, not saying complimentary things often enough... all of it, in my head, says hes going off me and theres a problem.

Currently I am seeing a new guy. 1 month in, so anxiety is sky high as our communication is relaxed...as it should be after a month. If he doesnt message me by about lunchtime each day, the doom sets in. Then he messages and we're all good. Until tomorrow.

I have no answers...just wanted you to know, others are like this too and understand how heavy a weight these feelings can be to carry every fucking waking moment. Try hard not to react too quickly... if you find yourself fretting, come away from your phone. Trust his actions and be kind to yourself x

But the moment I feel abandonment or impending abandonment I feel physically sick and sometimes can’t control my reactions.

If this is really true, that you absolutely can not control your reactions, I think you should end it with your boyfriend, sorry. It may be that you just aren't ready for a relationship, and it is grossly unfair to him to have to walk on eggshells and/or deal with your passive-aggressive behaviour when he has done nothing wrong. All of this anxiety isn't good for either of you.

I have this op. It's fucking dreadful. Mine was particularly bad in my first point term relationship. Didn't help matters that he did eventually go off me after many many years of me fretting that he would. For me CBT is the only thing that helped. I had to get therapy as this behaviour was threatening to destroy my marriage and I suddenly became very aware when I had my first daughter that she could learn this behaviour from me. It's a very long road and even now every so often out of nowhere, that physical reaction to some imagined lack of interest from my dh can almost take over my entire body. I'd encourage you to stick with the therapy. Presumably you've nailed where it's all come from in your past? That was the key for me.

I completely get where you're coming from.

there was a woman on BBC R5L this afternoon - Nihal's show - who has written a book called (Ithink) how to be human. it was all about how anxiety is natural, it's our response to it in the modern world that troubles us. (Paraphrasing massively but listen if you can)

i really struggle with anxiety but she gave some of the best advice I've ever heard.

Sit with it, it will pass, the world will not end and you will not die. expose yourself to your fears, build up your tolerance.

so for you, spend two minutes thinking about what the impact of you splitting up would be. You would not die. You would be sad. Is it the sadness you are more fearful of than the end of a relationship?

Bit of armchair psychology but it feels like you're validating yourself through his reaction to you - does he contact you, does he want to meet, does he want sex?

you're turning relationship positives - chatting, meeting up (which suits your schedules), being intimate - into challenges that he can fail.

You've been together a year, he'd have moved on by now if he wanted to - good luck

I’m right there with you too OP. I am honestly completely ashamed of how I can be sometimes. Only yesterday I completely over reacted about a perceived slight. My DP is amazing and patient but I can see it is testing him after so long.

I improved for a while when I was really focused on improving my self esteem and creating a positive self dialogue. I read a book about positive self talk and when I tried it it had really positive results. It helped me question the negative thoughts and look at the facts. Typically I gave up doing it (I’m useless at keeping positive behaviours going, I always self sabotage) and I’m worse than ever at the moment.

Thanks for the replies @OfTheNight @LittleBigDipper @BonnyBarb @jayho

I hate it so much! We are apart this week, I left his yesterday. I analyse everything...he has a day off today working on something outside of work. He will be busy but it’s a more relaxed day for him than usual, he will have his phone etc. I will just obsess all day about why he hasn’t text, why he hasn’t suggested calling, why we don’t have plans to meet again yet. The list goes on.

The absolute worst part is that when I have built myself into a state of anxiety, I draft break up messages to him. I haven’t sent them before but I can see it happening. I hate how stressed I feel about it all.

I read into EVERYTHING so that I assume the worst. I assume abandonment. @Imjustsootired those things you list are exactly what I think! If you were a friend I would be able to reason with you and talk it though, say that of course he cares about you - and I would believe it. But when I’m experiencing it myself... it’s just awful.

I’m already awake and second guessing how today will be, getting annoyed and upset over nothing because nothing has happened! I keep thinking why hasn’t he suggested a call as he’s got the day off. Or why hasn’t he used the time to look up a nice place for us to eat on a different day. Why hasn’t he already tried to pin down the next time we see each other. Loads of horrible questions making me feel even more sure he doesn’t really give a shit.

It’s awful because when I feel secure I am fun, witty (even if I say so myself ), kind and nice to be around.

The moment I start feeling like this...passive aggressive, moody, just not a nice person. I manage to keep a hold of it mostly but these features creep out slightly and I hate it. Then of course I panic more as I’m being a shit version of myself. I am so exhausted with it

Hi OP, could you arrange a 'regular' day(s) you see him each week? Then you can assume you'll see him then, rather than having to wait and arrange each time, which is definitely quite anxiety fuelling!

Hi lovely, I really relate to your posts and hope you’re doing ok? Did the therapy you’re having make suggestions about any possible ongoing health conditions other than a catch all of anxiety as personally I am exactly the same as you and it’s how my EUPD (used to be known as BPD) shows up.

@MarylinMonrue

Hi lovely, I really relate to your posts and hope you’re doing ok? Did the therapy you’re having make suggestions about any possible ongoing health conditions other than a catch all of anxiety as personally I am exactly the same as you and it’s how my EUPD (used to be known as BPD) shows up.

I was hesitant to mention this in case of being accused of armchair psychology but thought exactly the same based on knowing someone diagnosed with EUPD.

OP I think it's unfair of you to continue a relationship until you've explored why you're feeling and behaving this way.

You being passive aggressive / annoyed with him etc when he's not doing anything wrong is a headfuck for him and will be at times bordering on abusive behaviour.

I don't say that to vilify you, just to make clear that even if your behaviour has a deep rooted cause eg fear of abandonment / anxious attachment / EUPD, it doesn't mean that it's acceptable to affect someone else's mental health.

I think talking to a counsellor could be really beneficial.

But as I say, I really don't think you're in the right place to be in any relationship at the moment.

Sorry just saw you're already having therapy which is a good step.

Thanks, I wasn’t expecting a mental health diagnosis to come up like that but I’m open to anything to try and understand my actions :(

As I child I had everything material you could wish for. But I felt this intense gap, like a horrible fear of insecurity. Lack of consistency. I didn’t know where I stood. I loved and needed my mum and hated her at the same time. I didn’t trust either of my parents. I was left alone on a few summer holidays for a week here and there. I was around 14-16 years old. I remember finding this really horrible. I was fine and safe and had money left and loads and loads of food, nice big house and garden etc but I was angry and upset and oh my gosh massively lonely. I remember feeling like nobody gave a shit.

My parents always told me they loved me and still do. I don’t think I’ve ever questioned that which makes me wonder whether I am being unfair in linking this all to my childhood. One horrible memory I have is crying for my mum and then when she eventually appeared I would be angry and want her to go away again. I would do this repeatedly. I felt lost.

Sometimes my reactions in my relationships seem to be an adult version of this behaviour. I don’t know whether any of my needs are fair in relationships as I don’t know which are me being irrational and which are me being clear about boundaries.

I’m such a pathetic mess

Oh honey, you're not a pathetic mess and don't worry - no one's trying to diagnose you! From my personal experience though, my BPD makes me absolutely loathe and fear abandonment in a way that manifests in really similar behaviour - obsession, constant checking up in a spiral of anxiety, the sudden need to push someone away to punish them when they do move towards me to meet a need, panic when I realise which way I'm going, over-analysing EVERYTHING to death looking for clues someone secretly doesn't care, etc - it's an exhausting push-me-pull-you way to live and whatever the cause of yours is, you don't deserve to live under this huge cloud and there's help available.

@MarylinMonrue thanks for your post. I feel quite scared reading these as it all rings so true. I am so irrational sometimes and then later on will see things much more calmly. I can absolutely despise my DP, even changing his name in my phone to something nasty (I’m so ashamed to type that), and whilst he doesn’t know I’ve done that, it’s cruel and mean. Then as soon as I get a sense of re assurance from him, a sign he cares, a text, a call, a suggestion that he misses me...I am instantly calm.

I feel so out of control, scared and sad

@MarylinMonrue I also look for any clue he doesn’t care. Today it’s that he fell asleep by the time I text back last night (it hadn’t delivered until this morning) and he’s read it and not responded. There was nothing to respond to but i will still build this up in my head all day

This behaviour is definitely related to your childhood. I was the same way in my first ever relationship but it pushed him away. I stopped the behaviour by modelling myself on someone who did not behave like it as that was all I had at that age 17/18. I quickly then realised I didn't want my BF any more and moved on to someone else! It raised it's ugly head again years later in another relationship but I quelled it. When I quelled it, he became violent because he thought I had lost interest. I left and have never gone back to that way of thinking. It's not been without hard work but I just do not have that capability any more, am as cynical as fuck and if they are going to leave they are going to leave. I have a lot more self confidence now but it has taken many years.

OP. Google CPTSD. I have similar issues. Cptsd exercises (you can find books and resources, find Richard grannons videos). Your reactions are not proportional to what is happening which suggests abandonment trauma of some form. You need to first of all manage the emotions down to a non overwhelming level. Critical thinking will also help. Look up socratic questioning cbt. You replace feelings with facts. Evidence for and against your own fears. Based on what I was like, you'll be making a worst case scenario narrative in your own head, triggering a cascade of fears. There's loads more I could advise but the above resources have helped me the most x

How are you when you are single? Do you transfer all these feelings onto family/friends or are you more relaxed with them?

I feel all these things are made worse by modern sources of communication. When we were seeing a guy we made arrangements at the end of one night for next meeting. No messages in between so we could get on with our lives. Now it's like it's hanging over you constantly. Can you pull back a little yourself and go easy onessages etc so you are not always waiting. Plan other things. Leave your phone at home when you go out so not tempted to check. Let him wonder what you are up to.

www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Pete Walker's website and books have been recommended on here and are helpful.

I completely empathise I'm exactly the same. I think for me it's the first time I've really loved someone and it's put fear and panic into me. I've been upfront and honest with my partner about it, so now he knows, and will just give me a hug or reassure me. I'll also ask if thing's are OK if i perceive he's being different. I was awful in our first year and suprised he stuck around lol but two years in It's settled down a bit. Just keep up with the therapy and try to be aware of your triggers and not to go off on the emotional side, take a breath and think why are you feeling the way you are. It's hard and good luck

I’m exactly the same OP and I have EUPD. The sense of abandonment is so all consuming that I’d get complete tunnel vision when I perceived someone had done something that showed they didn’t care - I’d start shaking all over, getting palpitations and be completely unable to focus on anything else. It was so disabling. I’d also send horrible vitriolic messages to them to try and hurt them back as much as they’d hurt me. I’d stay in unhealthy relationships way longer than I should because I wanted to give the person time to ‘prove’ how much they cared about me (spoiler: they never did!)

I’m on antispsychotics as well as antidepressants now and have been having psychoanalytic therapy for almost 2 years which has helped endlessly. I’m single at the moment but I’ve done some dating and not been triggered by it.

I only get these reactions with romantic relationships, I’ve never felt or done anything like this with friends