My reactions are out of control, please help

[Reasonabella]

I have a serious issue with abandonment. It terrifies me. I have had therapy for it. I am still having therapy.

I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and I love him. But I have severe panic and anxiety if I notice any chance in his behaviour including:

1. If he is busier than usual and sends what I would call a short or snappy message or something not in his usual style. I think he’s going off me.

1. If he can’t make plans we have or has to re arrange. I think he’s going off me.

1. If he doesn’t want sex. I am getting better at this and trusting he’s just not in the mood but I will reflect on it and it causes me stress.

1. If he isn’t in contact or hasn’t said he misses me after even a day ( this obviously happens a lot as there’s no missing someone after a day!). I think he’s going off me.

I manage mostly to keep this to myself but the anxiety is suffocating. I feel angry and defensive and want to play games with him. I will sometimes be passive aggressive , then apologise.

I am so angry with myself as I am a good girlfriend aside from this. I can be caring and patient and understanding and loving. But the moment I feel abandonment or impending abandonment I feel physically sick and sometimes can’t control my reactions. Mostly I will reflect days later, after I’ve seen him again, and think how silly I’ve been. But in the moment my anxiety is sky high. I’m also very independent with a good job and decent pay. I don’t know where the insecurity comes from as I don’t need to rely on him for things.

Can anyone help?

@TedMullins I’m not like it with friends either. I am not sure why it’s just romantic partners?!

Thank you for all the advice! My DP is lovely and I hate my reactions ...I rarely actually express it to him but inside I am often in turmoil. I read into everything and will always think the worst. It is so tiring.

@BoomChicka

How are you when you are single? Do you transfer all these feelings onto family/friends or are you more relaxed with them?

@BoomChicka I have horrible feelings that are child like around my parents. We have a good relationship now but I revert to a different person when with them.

When I’m single I don’t act like I do in relationships though. It is only romantically that this stress and fear arises. I don’t know why?

@junebirthdaygirl that’s a good idea I could try that. I just wish I felt confident enough to be myself fully when we are apart. When together I am fine!

@Thecurtainsofdestiny thank you so much

[quote Reasonabella]@TedMullins I’m not like it with friends either. I am not sure why it’s just romantic partners?!

Thank you for all the advice! My DP is lovely and I hate my reactions ...I rarely actually express it to him but inside I am often in turmoil. I read into everything and will always think the worst. It is so tiring.[/quote]
It's romantic partners because they are our primary relationship as adults. Just like parents are our primary relationship as children. So you've directly transferred your child self internally screaming 'LOVE ME!!! SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME!!!' at your parents to internally screaming the same thing at your boyfriend.

You were taught as a child that your emotions didn't matter. That's how you treat them now. 'Am I just being silly?', 'I'm really oversensitive', 'There's something wrong with me' are the sorts of thoughts that come up, for people in this situation. 'I'm having these big emotions, but they're not important. They must just be me being stupid.'

But they're not, OP. They're REALLY REALLY important. Feelings are all we have. Feelings are everything. No point having the perfect partner and living in a mansion with staff serving you cocktails all day long if it doesn't make you feel happy. No matter if you can't find a job and you live in a tiny damp flat with no money if you feel chirpy. Feelings, I'll say it again, are everything.

Currently you are surpressing the feelings when your partner does things that make you feel bad, you're not able to talk to him about that, and you're ignoring the divide that's causing. The distance between you and him. That he doesn't know you because you daren't let him. No wonder you feel anxious.

Why are you choosing not to tell him? What would happen if you did?

And why are you choosing to be in a relationship when it's making you feel so bad?