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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm replaceable

34 replies

PlaybackToday · 20/07/2021 20:07

DP and I have been speaking about separating. He wants to stay together so I am the sole decision maker on this according to him. I'm very unsure which way to go. I have asked that we speak to someone such as a mediator or counsellor so a third party can help us through communication if we are to stay together. I said to him that I thought he only wants to remain together because it is convenient for him as I do so much. He said to me "don't think you're not replaceable, just like in a job you can be replaced. Short term it will be hard but long term there will be options available" or something similar. I told him I thought this was an unkind cruel thing to say. Would you think the same as me or is this just a factual statement that I shouldn't be hurt by? I genuinely don't know as I'm pretty sensitive about everything at the moment as I feel like the weight of the world is on me.

OP posts:
Ceriane · 20/07/2021 20:22

That’s terrible, your a human being he is or has been in love with. People are not replaceable. Probably just said it to hurt.

Holothane · 20/07/2021 20:26

I’d say off you fuck then and find someone who’ll do the laundry, financial stuff, be snapped at, no sex, (not bothered now) oh yes you can do better than this.

Original poster
PlaybackToday · 20/07/2021 20:57

Thank you for agreeing with me. It felt so unnecessary and horrid. I just can't imagine saying that to him even if I did think it true. I don't know why I can't make this decision. I'm petrified I'm going to get it wrong.

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 20/07/2021 20:59

Your husband has clearly pointed you in the right direction with that comment. Exit this way...

PieceOfString · 20/07/2021 21:00

The word for comments like that is callous.
If any droid can fill your role no wonder he's happy for you to stay, it's all the same to him but saves him making the effort of recruiting your replacement! 😲

iwouldlikearefundonmybody · 20/07/2021 21:03

That's awful. I think you deserve better and I hope you meet someone lovely in the future. Thanks

EKGEMS · 20/07/2021 21:04

He's the expendable one! You are worth far more than him! You could get a blow up doll and still be better off than with him

Original poster
PlaybackToday · 20/07/2021 21:08

Thank you all. It seems more and more often he will say something like this yet nothing big enough shocks me into saying it's final. Then a small olive branch will be thrown my way and I seem to forget all the negative bits. It's so difficult. I do appreciate everyone's comments.

OP posts:
xsquared · 20/07/2021 21:12

Call his bluff. You don't need to stay with someone who thinks you can be replaced like a toy.

Whiskycav · 20/07/2021 21:15

I think the way he said it and the timing was not great.

But if you want to separate, that's exactly what you are saying to him.

And really. We are all replaceable. Most people even if heart broken when a relationship ends, eventually moves on.

Its just completely shitty to say. If he was usually decent I would say he is hurting and he didn't mean it. But it sounds like he isn't decent at all.

I think you know its over. Flowers for you.

chorizoTapas · 20/07/2021 21:39

He sounds like a prick but could he have been saying (in an awful and hurtful way) that he's with you by choice, he wants to be with you, he could find someone else to do your 'chores' so if he didn't want you he'd just leave?

However, why are you doing so much? He sounds like he's got you running around while he gives nothing

Bonjourfern · 20/07/2021 21:43

It was a mean thing for him to say. He's probably lashing out because he's hurt. He's already told you he wants to stay together. I think you don't so what's the point in mediation. If you don't want to be with him leave. If you are even seriously contemplating and discussing splitting up then it's the right thing to do for you.

StrongerOrWeaker · 20/07/2021 21:44

Of course you are replaceable! We all are.
Are you not considering leaving him anyway? Is he not replaceable then? ;-)

PersonaNonGarter · 20/07/2021 21:45

He’s hurting. You are both going to make comments like this and hurt each other. That’s just break ups.

Don’t spend too long thinking it over, OP.

user27424799642256 · 20/07/2021 21:55

@PlaybackToday

Thank you all. It seems more and more often he will say something like this yet nothing big enough shocks me into saying it's final. Then a small olive branch will be thrown my way and I seem to forget all the negative bits. It's so difficult. I do appreciate everyone's comments.
That's how abuse works, you know...

One question: do you want your life to get better or do you want to stay in this toxic cycle?

It is completely within your power to make whichever of those you want happened.

You're being trained to tolerate crappy treatment, so nothing is going to "shock" you into leaving. Saying you need to wait for him to push you into it is a choice, it's chosen helplessness. You're not actually helpless.

It is within your control to make that decision - it's not about waiting for things to deteriorate to the worst imaginable situation but deciding you want a better life.

You can make that decision. It is daunting and there will be a grieving process as you accept the future you hoped for with him is impossible. But it is temporary and you will come out the other side of it.

Somebody who loved you wouldn't have said that to you and wouldn't want you to believe it. People who love you build you up and are excited when you grow in confidence.

Original poster
PlaybackToday · 20/07/2021 21:55

I know ultimately we are all replaceable but my point was that I think he only wants to be with me because of what I do for him. Not because he loves me and wants to be with me. But because I'm convenient.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaybackToday · 20/07/2021 21:57

@user27424799642256 thank you for saying this Flowers

OP posts:
user27424799642256 · 20/07/2021 21:57

@chorizoTapas

He sounds like a prick but could he have been saying (in an awful and hurtful way) that he's with you by choice, he wants to be with you, he could find someone else to do your 'chores' so if he didn't want you he'd just leave?

However, why are you doing so much? He sounds like he's got you running around while he gives nothing

That's an Olympic sized leap if ever there was one.

"Oh the boys at school are mean to you because they like you."

Cactuslove · 20/07/2021 22:07

But OP was he not saying that yes as a person who does those things you are replaceable yet he wants to stay with you anyway. Seems like he's trying in a clumsy way to say he does love you and isn't with you purely for covenience.

daisychain01 · 20/07/2021 22:11

No, we are not all replaceable, don't let him brainwash you into thinking that way.

I said to him that I thought he only wants to remain together because it is convenient for him as I do so much. He said to me "don't think you're not replaceable, just like in a job you can be replaced. Short term it will be hard but long term there will be options available" or something similar.

What he said was deliberately designed to hurt you - let the scales fall from you eyes, he doesn't care about you. Tell him to go and sort out his alternative option, you're out.

daisychain01 · 20/07/2021 22:14

Seems like he's trying in a clumsy way to say he does love you and isn't with you purely for covenience.

So him quite clearly saying "don't think you're not replaceable, just like in a job you can be replaced" is him saying he loves the OP? I don't think so!

chorizoTapas · 20/07/2021 22:56

@user27424799642256 I know, just playing devils advocate, I think he sounds like an abusive twerp and op deserves better.

OhtheVulgarity · 20/07/2021 23:16

I’d replace him with a swift divorce in your shoes, OP.

spotcheck · 20/07/2021 23:23

But you are also weighing up options....?

In his position, I'd probably feel quite defensive too.

If he want to stay together, and meanwhile, you are deciding if you want to go, I think he would probably feel vulnerable. The comment sounds like his way of trying to be a bit tough

booboo24 · 21/07/2021 06:42

I read that differently, maybe he's trying to hurt you as you want out, but I'd have taken it to mean that he doesn't just want you because you do so much, and that finding someone to do all that wouldn't be impossible, but that he wants you for you?