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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

partner showed himself up being horrible to me

55 replies

cockadoodletoo · 20/07/2021 19:20

I do know this is awful btw, I just have no one else to talk to about it.

I thought I would write it here rather than go mad.

Last night myself and DP of 10 years went to the pub. Historically he has always been friendly, charming and nice and drinking made him more so. Recently, it makes him act like a cunt. Things outside of that aren't great either.

Anyway. In the outdoor bit of the pub were (made up names) John and Sarah (acquaintances to us) sat together and then Mike with a group of people we sort of very vaguely know to nod to. So no one is very well known to each other is my point.

DP starts talking to John and Sarah. Due to the way the tables and chairs were positioned I couldn't really join in much unless I was going to start shouting like a maniac. Mike came over and sat near me and we started talking.

Just FYI, Mike is in a LTR, there is absolutely no vibes/attraction/flirtyness between us at all. He talks about his GF all the time.

At various points when what we were talking about lulled, we looked over at my DP, John and Sarah and smiled, nodded and said the odd thing. As I've said though it literally wasn't really possible to join in. No biggy, right?

At some point my DP did his now standard thing of kind of "turning". I think in my mind he didn't like me taking to Mike. At the same time he was able to convince himself I had some sort of issue with him talking to John and Sarah and not involving me, which was not the case.

FYI, before Mike came over DP left me out of the conversation and did not give a rat's ass about it. I think Mike may well have come over because he saw how rude my DP was being.

Anyway, DP starts turning around intermittently, giving Mike a dirty look and being horrible to me. Sarcastic, goady and assuming I am being a bitch about him talking to other people. I didn't respond as frankly I'm fucking tired of this bullshit.

Mike started to, not overly directly pull him up on the way he spoke to me. He said he shouldn't talk to me that way and also that he had invited me to go out for lunch with him and his GF, so I could actually have a good time for once. This was all half joking but half not between them until my DP very nastily said, oh well don't let us keep you from your friends. Meaning this group of people I mentioned earlier. This group are by now all looking over vaguely horrified.

Anyway my DP then flounces out of the pub. I get up to leave as I don't want to stay anyway. Mike tells me not to let that expletive deleted bully me, and all the group I mentioned earlier look like they feel sorry for me.

We get home, DP starts being a shit. I told him what Mike said, basically to try and shock him into seeing how a whole group of people basically were there pitying me because of his stupid behaviour. He kicks off, tells me to "go with him then", "let's break up, there'll be no shortages of opportunities for you."

Anyway, I then just tell him to fuck himself repeatedly until he pisses off and leaves me alone.

Next day he remembers nothing, blames drink and asks me to accept his apology.

The thing is, I accept he's sorry it happened. If everything else was great with us I would move past it, but it isn't. Plus if I did what he did, I very much doubt he'd let it go as easily.

Sorry for the brain dump. Feel a bit better writing it out. I feel so embarrassed. That doesn't seem fair, I didn't do anything wrong.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low with this and so much more.

OP posts:
IfIwasablackbird · 20/07/2021 19:24

Honestly I would leave him. I bet he does remember.

nimbuscloud · 20/07/2021 19:24

It sounds as if the relationship has run its course really.
I’d start the break up process.

Cloudninenine · 20/07/2021 19:27

It’s time to break up. You deserve better than this.

Bridezillamaybe · 20/07/2021 19:28

Things are bad OP. He needs to stop drinking altogetherif things are going to get better. I sympathize as my ex had a drink problem. We were young and we broke up for other reasons but I'm glad we did - as we got older the normalising smokescreen of gangs of friends out partying together would have dissipated.

Whiskycav · 20/07/2021 19:28

I think his drunken behaviour will escalate and become quite dangerous to you.

I don't believe he doesn't remember for a minute.

Does he normally have blank periods in his memory when he drinks? Or just when he has been a dick?

alexdgr8 · 20/07/2021 19:29

doesn't sound like he wants to be with you really.
don't drag it out.
cut your losses.
things do peter out sometimes.

category12 · 20/07/2021 19:30

What's your next move?

5475878237NC · 20/07/2021 19:32

10 years is a long time. No need to answer these here but things to ponder:

Have things changed recently due to life stress or some external issue that is temporarily impacting on the relationship?
Despite time changing us all, is he fundamentally still someone you love or do you love the version of him who has gone?
What would you say to a friend in your shoes?

Bananalanacake · 20/07/2021 19:33

You say you have no one else to talk to about it, is that because he's cut you off from your friends or you genuinely have no one to confide in.

CrystalBollocks · 20/07/2021 19:36

We get home, DP starts being a shit. I told him what Mike said, basically to try and shock him into seeing how a whole group of people basically were there pitying me because of his stupid behaviour. He kicks off, tells me to "go with him then", "let's break up, there'll be no shortages of opportunities for you."

Anyway, I then just tell him to fuck himself repeatedly until he pisses off and leaves me alone

OP, this sounds more like a bad soap opera than a relationship. It can't possibly be healthy for either of you. Time to call it a day.

LizzieSiddal · 20/07/2021 19:36

Gosh he sounds just horrible. You say there are other issues in your relationship, is this the final straw? I don’t blame you if it is.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 19:40

Can I ask why you’re with him? Which I’m sure you know is what everyone at the pub was wanting to ask. He’s An abusive bully and it’s now escalated yo public humiliation where people pity you.

Why are you with him?

Blueskytoday06 · 20/07/2021 19:44

I've been in a relationship with an arsehole and now currently in one with someone's who's not.
I have zero tolerance for bullshit. I would walk at the first hint of it.....I think you should too.

NewlyGranny · 20/07/2021 19:45

When someone is drunk, the filter between brain and mouth is lost. The things they say are the real person talking, without any civilised social restraints.

Don't fall for, "It wasn't me, it was the booze talking," because booze doesn't talk. It does allow the real person off the leash, though.

He sounds a nasty piece of work. It's pretty humiliating having friends and strangers pity you for how your partner treats you in public. And he's not bringing out the best in you, is he?

What's to stay for? A lame apology puts you under no obligation. Even a sincere apology doesn't mean you have to pretend to forget what happened.

A genuine apology means the person undertakes not to repeat the offence.

StepladderToHeaven · 20/07/2021 19:47

I echo the comment above - why are you with him, OP? You clearly both dislike each other. Relationships shouldn't be like this.

cockadoodletoo · 20/07/2021 19:48

A lot of people asking about why we haven't broken up yet. I have

a) said in these arguments that it's fine to break up, I'm not weeping and begging him to stay with me

b) said to him calmly and at a separate time to these arguments that we need to break up. He claims to want to stay together and that our problems are not that bad.

c) I left him at one point when this downward spiral started. I said, again calmly, that I was fine to separate if that was what he wanted. We met up, had an open conversation about our problems and we seemed to be on the same page. Hasn't panned out.

d) In situations like this people often say, oh you must give him loads of sex on tap, cooking, cleaning, cash flow...I don't. I have totally checked out. I don't know how he can be even slightly happy with me, but he seems to want to stay together.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 20/07/2021 19:50

Of course he does
What do you want?

CrouchEndTiger12 · 20/07/2021 19:51

Anyway, I then just tell him to fuck himself repeatedly until he pisses off and leaves me alone.

Oh dear god, I would love to have witnessed that. Good for you Grin

He blames the drink? In vino veritas.

Faranth · 20/07/2021 19:53

OP, you know you don't have to have his permission to split up, don't you?

He could be the happiest person ever to be in a relationship, but if you're not happy then that's enough reason to split up.

If you want to split, him wanting to stay together is irrelevant. Flowers

kittenkipping · 20/07/2021 19:53

Your last post focuses on his wanting to stay with you. Not your wanting to leave. What does it matter what he wants, if you have checked out, don't particularly like him (nor should you) and want to leave? Leave. His wants don't feature in your decision

CinnabarRed · 20/07/2021 19:54

I don't know how he can be even slightly happy with me, but he seems to want to stay together.

But what do you want? Surely not to stay with this bastard? If you want to end it, that’s all you need. He can’t make you stay.

AnyFucker · 20/07/2021 19:55

What matters is what you want. You are not obligated to stay because he can’t be arsed to call it a day.

Breaking up is tough…but not as tough as living like this

category12 · 20/07/2021 19:56

Why are you being so passive as if it's entirely up to him if the relationship continues?

ChatterMonkey · 20/07/2021 19:57

You seem very passive in the relationship. You are still together because he wants you to be.

What about what you want? You do realise that that has equal weighting as his opinion? And if you dont want to be in a relationship, then you dont have to be whether he wants to be or not?

Do you jointly own/rent your house?

Lollypop701 · 20/07/2021 19:58

The relationship is dead, and you both know it. He knows you don’t want to be with him and his behaviour reflects that.. he gets drunks, gets jealous of your interaction with anyone else because you don’t give him any attention. It’s not ok for him to behave like that, but you admit you’ve checked out so just Cut him loose and move on

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