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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner showed himself up being horrible to me

55 replies

cockadoodletoo · 20/07/2021 19:20

I do know this is awful btw, I just have no one else to talk to about it.

I thought I would write it here rather than go mad.

Last night myself and DP of 10 years went to the pub. Historically he has always been friendly, charming and nice and drinking made him more so. Recently, it makes him act like a cunt. Things outside of that aren't great either.

Anyway. In the outdoor bit of the pub were (made up names) John and Sarah (acquaintances to us) sat together and then Mike with a group of people we sort of very vaguely know to nod to. So no one is very well known to each other is my point.

DP starts talking to John and Sarah. Due to the way the tables and chairs were positioned I couldn't really join in much unless I was going to start shouting like a maniac. Mike came over and sat near me and we started talking.

Just FYI, Mike is in a LTR, there is absolutely no vibes/attraction/flirtyness between us at all. He talks about his GF all the time.

At various points when what we were talking about lulled, we looked over at my DP, John and Sarah and smiled, nodded and said the odd thing. As I've said though it literally wasn't really possible to join in. No biggy, right?

At some point my DP did his now standard thing of kind of "turning". I think in my mind he didn't like me taking to Mike. At the same time he was able to convince himself I had some sort of issue with him talking to John and Sarah and not involving me, which was not the case.

FYI, before Mike came over DP left me out of the conversation and did not give a rat's ass about it. I think Mike may well have come over because he saw how rude my DP was being.

Anyway, DP starts turning around intermittently, giving Mike a dirty look and being horrible to me. Sarcastic, goady and assuming I am being a bitch about him talking to other people. I didn't respond as frankly I'm fucking tired of this bullshit.

Mike started to, not overly directly pull him up on the way he spoke to me. He said he shouldn't talk to me that way and also that he had invited me to go out for lunch with him and his GF, so I could actually have a good time for once. This was all half joking but half not between them until my DP very nastily said, oh well don't let us keep you from your friends. Meaning this group of people I mentioned earlier. This group are by now all looking over vaguely horrified.

Anyway my DP then flounces out of the pub. I get up to leave as I don't want to stay anyway. Mike tells me not to let that expletive deleted bully me, and all the group I mentioned earlier look like they feel sorry for me.

We get home, DP starts being a shit. I told him what Mike said, basically to try and shock him into seeing how a whole group of people basically were there pitying me because of his stupid behaviour. He kicks off, tells me to "go with him then", "let's break up, there'll be no shortages of opportunities for you."

Anyway, I then just tell him to fuck himself repeatedly until he pisses off and leaves me alone.

Next day he remembers nothing, blames drink and asks me to accept his apology.

The thing is, I accept he's sorry it happened. If everything else was great with us I would move past it, but it isn't. Plus if I did what he did, I very much doubt he'd let it go as easily.

Sorry for the brain dump. Feel a bit better writing it out. I feel so embarrassed. That doesn't seem fair, I didn't do anything wrong.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low with this and so much more.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 20/07/2021 19:58

It's time to do what you have probably needed to do for a while: LTB.

Find your inner strength and walk away. New life is waiting!!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2021 20:01

Why would you care if he wants to stay together?? FFS, raise your standards and get rid of him. Your friends must be so mortified that you are still with this horrible man.

Badhabits1 · 20/07/2021 20:02

He doesn’t have to agree. You decide.

Callingallskeletons · 20/07/2021 20:03

Of course he remembers OP, unless he was downing whole bottles of tequila I doubt he could have had that much not to remember

In honestly I would leave him, he sounds horrible and once he’s shown his true colours in public there’s very rarely any way back

Original poster
cockadoodletoo · 20/07/2021 20:03

@Bluntness100 I'm here because for most of those years we've been happy. I was very ill at one point and he looked after me when my own totally crazy (now NC with) family could only bleat about themselves. My DM even tried to sabotage my hospital appointments, believe me my family make some of the stuff on these boards look like a good day.

I also wasn't always worn down (not just by him, other big things have gone on). That's what stings even more I suppose. The person I feel I really am just isn't there anymore.

It's not a financial thing. That's the one thing in my life I have sorted out. Not that you'd know to look at me.

Honestly I think we both want to separate but even if I bring it up really calmly he just insists he doesn't want to. I really can't work it out. It's so confusing.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 20/07/2021 20:04

I honestly wouldn’t have the energy to deal with this!

Do you not want to go to the pub or wherever and actually have a good time without all of the drama?

AmbridgeGirl · 20/07/2021 20:04

Sounds like he knows you want out but neither of you are addressing it and so he's getting drunk and angry and taking it out on you. His behaviour is in no way your fault or your responsibility though, that's all on him, but it sounds like you both need to address these issues when he's sober and be honest with what you both want.

category12 · 20/07/2021 20:07

Honestly I think we both want to separate but even if I bring it up really calmly he just insists he doesn't want to. I really can't work it out. It's so confusing.

Could be inertia, fear of being on his own, fear of loss of assets, habit, being content enough with you as an emotional punchbag, not having something/someone else lined up. There are lots of benefits to being in a partnership.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2021 20:07

Honestly it doesn’t matter what he wants, you can’t live like this, and you need to not buy into th sunken cost fallacy. “I’ve spent so much time and he was once nice to me” thing.

If you stay you’re going to get even more worn down, it will just get worse, you only have one life, don’t live it miserable,

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2021 20:08

I'm here because for most of those years we've been happy.

Past good behaviour does not excuse current unforgivable behaviour. The way he has treated you is 100% unforgivable. End of.

Knackeredmommy · 20/07/2021 20:09

What do you want to do? He's shown you who he is.

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 20:10

I think you sound wonderful. You are calm, insightful, obviously have a gift for friendship, and very aware about your partner. You've got your finances sorted out.

I guess, my suggestion would be to think about what you want for the rest of your years. Personally, if I were you, it wouldn't be the drama of dealing with your partner, and his antics.

Suzi888 · 20/07/2021 20:11

“a) said in these arguments that it's fine to break up, I'm not weeping and begging him to stay with me”- and he can’t stand it. He’s keeping you dangling though when you seem very happy to split. Yet you aren’t?

Unless there’s something going on with him that he hasn’t said (and even then, it’s hard to forgive) and split up.
Neither of you are happy and life is too short.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 20/07/2021 20:12

As others have said, you don’t need his - or anyone’s - permission to leave this abusive man.

I spent 10 years with someone who would turn like this, blaming me, taking slight, alternating between accusing me of wanting to be with others and telling me I was shit and no one liked me. Leaving was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

He. Will. Not. Change.

The mask has slipped and his abuse will ramp up as his contempt for you - for staying, no less! - increases. He hates himself and he hates you more for not leaving him.

Leave.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 20/07/2021 20:13

Oh. And he stays because he needs you to validate him.

I know this is hard to hear. It took me years.

CassandraTrotter · 20/07/2021 20:16

frankly I'm fucking tired of this bullshit

Write this down on a piece of paper you can pull out of your pocket to remind yourself that, actually, you don't need to waste your time waiting for him to end this awful relationship, you can woman up and do it yourself. Because you want to end it. And you get nothing from it anymore.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/07/2021 20:22

You're not going to enjoy the future with him though, are you.

It's not up to him whether you leave.

Original poster
cockadoodletoo · 20/07/2021 21:02

@5475878237NC

Have things changed recently due to life stress or some external issue that is temporarily impacting on the relationship?

Yes, with bells on.

Despite time changing us all, is he fundamentally still someone you love or do you love the version of him who has gone?

I do love him as a person as he is now. I just can't stick this attitude towards me. It may not be constant but it's too much as it is because it's going too far on those occasions.

What would you say to a friend in your shoes?

Honestly I would tell them to think about what they will tolerate. We're all at least a little bit flawed, even though some people won't admit that.

OP posts:
Futureself · 20/07/2021 21:12

Drama lama

Original poster
cockadoodletoo · 20/07/2021 21:30

@CrouchEndTiger12 His face was something to behold. Smile

OP posts:
GoWalkabout · 20/07/2021 22:00

Work out what has to change for better for you not to break up with him, or for worse to make you break up with him - these are your red lines. Respect them and commit to acting on them? I think if it was me I would be over the line by now.

SummerWhisper · 21/07/2021 07:07

he seems to want to stay together

Perhaps he just enjoys abusing women and that's what you are providing for him on tap

Newestname001 · 21/07/2021 14:04

@cockadoodletoo

Have you considered now having a physical break from him? I'm unsure whether you own or rent together but perhaps one of you could move out for a few weeks and give each other breathing/thinking space and physical distance?

How you feel being in your own space would be a good indicator of what the next step is for you. A trial run of what the next stage of your life looks like? 🌹

SomeNameorOther · 21/07/2021 14:25

He knows exactly what he did, but he doesn't want to admit it and he doesn't want to have to look too closely at who he is.

It doesn't matter whether he wants to stay with you or not. All you need to concern yourself with is whether you want to stay with him. Do you need his guidance on that? (Why? Think about it.)

me4real · 21/07/2021 14:55

He's awful OP. And of course he remembers. He can'tve forgotten every time. The claiming to want to stay together may be because he doesn't want other people to frown on him for being the one to end it/he wants to be able to play the victim and slag you off to others. So he wants it to seem like you ended it unilaterally.

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