At what point would you ask for exclusive dating?

[nolovelost]

We've had 4 dates and sex on date 4, and really like each other. His future plans include me. I'd be gutted if he dated anyone else and feel that he would be if I did. Obviously I'm thinking of discussing it with him but don't want to appear heavy. How would you put it, or would you leave it a bit longer?

Thanks.

[Marineboy67]

It was nearly 6 years ago and were still very much together and in love. Been through some tough times, redundancy, debts and I had life saving open heart surgery 2 years ago but we've come through it and yes good things can happen

[nolovelost]

Wow, that's amazing. Still so in love, I'd love that. And what a fighter after the open heart surgery... X

[mumjustmum]

@nolovelost just so you know I met my husband on bumble. That was just over five years ago and we now have three children.
This one sounds very very keen, which is lovely! Just make sure you aren't being 'love bombed'.

[SortingItOut]

I post this regularly on the dating thread, hopefully it might help :

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?

1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?

Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?

1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?

Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.

1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?

Lots in between all those too.

1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

[bookworm20]

To me its from 1st date if there's to be a second date.

I just think if there's something there enough to want to see each other again and start to build a potential connection/relationship then energy shouldn't be going into also dating other people.

You either want to date me again (exclusively) or you don't.
If you still want to have a look around whilst we build a connection, we shouldn't be together.

Maybe I'm old fashioned as it seems the norm these days to have a conversation about exclusivity. Perhaps i'm naive in thinking that it should just be automatic.

[bookworm20]

5. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

This too. When I started dating my OH it came up as a topic randomly and I was very surprised at the difference in opinion we had as to what constitutes cheating. I made it very clear what my boundaries were - his seemed somewhat hazy. And mostly based on what he thought acceptable for HIM but that he actually wouldn't find acceptable if it was ME.

My basic rule is, if you're thinking of doing something (or saying something even), if you wouldn't do that thing if I was there or if that thing was something you wouldn't be happy me doing, then don't do it.

He seemed to grasp it then.

[nolovelost]

Thanks for the further comments.

I F**@cking* hate it when it's all new, I can't stop thinking about him and second guessing everything. It makes me sound like I'm not ready for dating and a relationship but I am. I've been happy on my own for a very long time. I just need to take it for what it is and chill, it's only been 5 dates but this is the most I've had in years. It's a strange feeling when your routine changes, only ever so slightly, after so long.

[TabithaTiger]

What I've learned from past mistakes is that it's so much easier just to be clear about what you want and not try to second guess what someone is thinking. I think now is the right time to say that now you're sleeping together you want the relationship to be exclusive and want to check he's in agreement.

[SGBK4862]

Glad I "dated" (we didn't call it that then, 'date' was an American term) in the 'old days' when you assumed if someone wanted to see you, that it was exclusive. You kept seeing them until you or they didn't want to any more. Simple.

[SGBK4862]

But I assume it's different when meeting people online as you don't know if you really like them before you go on a date. So the first date is checking them out. Whereas if you meet in real life you already know you like them. So first few dates replicate the bit where you get to know someone enough to see if you want to continue. However beyond that, it's the same thing as it ever was......

[Bbq1]

@spinningspaniels

From the 1st date.

Same.
I don't think after sex, surely before? Everyone has different standards of when they will have sex but I do think the conversation around exclusivity should definitely come prior to sex but maybe that's just me.
There's only ever been my dh for me but we never had a conversation about "exclusivity" and it never entered either of our heads because if you're "seeing" someone why would either of you even consider seeing other people? We knew we wanted to be together from the start.