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Original poster

At what point would you ask for exclusive dating?

61 replies

nolovelost · 20/07/2021 18:18

We've had 4 dates and sex on date 4, and really like each other. His future plans include me. I'd be gutted if he dated anyone else and feel that he would be if I did. Obviously I'm thinking of discussing it with him but don't want to appear heavy. How would you put it, or would you leave it a bit longer?

Thanks.

OP posts:
ohthatbloodycat · 21/07/2021 03:03

@Voice0fReason

I don't understand this. Admittedly I have been married a long time, but surely from the first date, you are exclusive unless otherwise agreed. It's just rude not to. The thought that you could even have this as a dilemma after 4 dates is incomprehensible to me. Exclusive doesn't mean serious, it's a really basic courtesy that you date one person at a time.
Times have changed, and this view is no longer relevant to modern day dating. Or one cannot assume that it applies anyway.
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/07/2021 06:32

1st date
Otherwise fuck off

SecretOfChange · 21/07/2021 07:30

I think people tend to assume that the other person holds their view, unless stated otherwise. So if you think exclusivity at this stage is standard, you tend to expect that. But if he sees non-exclusivity as standard until 'the talk' happens then he'll probably assume you have the same view. Definitely worth clarifying. Don't assume.

SecretOfChange · 21/07/2021 07:33

You can ask an open ended question too, something like: at what stage do you think a couple should become exclusive? Or: what are your thoughts on monogamy and exclusivity? It can come across as a heavy question but at the same time you need it to happen, so just go for it the best way you can.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2021 07:37

@Voice0fReason

I don't understand this. Admittedly I have been married a long time, but surely from the first date, you are exclusive unless otherwise agreed. It's just rude not to. The thought that you could even have this as a dilemma after 4 dates is incomprehensible to me. Exclusive doesn't mean serious, it's a really basic courtesy that you date one person at a time.
If you're online dating its common to have dates with more than one person lined up so you might meet Bon, like jim but still go on the date you had planned with Steve. You just have so many duds online
Divebar2021 · 21/07/2021 07:48

Dating has definitely changed with the advent of OLD. I’m not sure id find that many options attractive but I think it’s entirely feasible that a person may have other dates on the pipeline. It’s pretty sensible if they have and it’s neither rude nor unreasonable. He sounds pretty smitten tbh but it’s best to clarify the situation now.

filka · 21/07/2021 11:54

Whenever I see the word assume it translates in my mind to ass-u-me.

Ask an open ended question like "what do you think about us being exclusive?"

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/07/2021 11:59

I made the mistake of assuming me and a guy were exclusive after 5 months but turns out I was wrong. I even asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said no. To be fair, he probably wasn't sleeping with anyone else but he was still messaging others so I said goodbye to that one.

Palavah · 21/07/2021 12:01

@Voice0fReason

I don't understand this. Admittedly I have been married a long time, but surely from the first date, you are exclusive unless otherwise agreed. It's just rude not to. The thought that you could even have this as a dilemma after 4 dates is incomprehensible to me. Exclusive doesn't mean serious, it's a really basic courtesy that you date one person at a time.
Hell no. Who has time for that?
Morgoth · 21/07/2021 17:00

After first date for me too. And I would never have sex with someone unless they agreed on exclusivity/official relationship as it’s such a meaningful/valuable/intimate experience for me. I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way by just assuming in the past and it hurt me a lot!

Morgoth · 21/07/2021 17:06

Although to add, I hate this Americanised exclusivity chat nonsense. As other posters have mentioned, it should be common courtesy and decency to only date one person at a time, especially when you know they are looking for something serious and romantic. Most people usually form a relationship without the need for such a formal and official conversation. Though, however much I hate it though, seems to be the times we are living in so I will always ask to cover my own back. Just in case.

bathsh3ba · 21/07/2021 17:13

I would have asked before sex. If you like someone, sex complicates matters and makes you more likely to hang on in a situation where you might otherwise move on.

However I agree with those who think it should be exclusive from second date onwards out of common courtesy. If a guy doesn't feel the same way as me about that, it's highly unlikely we would be compatible.

Original poster
nolovelost · 21/07/2021 18:17

Thank you for the further comments.

I saw him today. We were kind of on the subject of us anyway, so i said " I was wondering if we were on the same page, as I like to date one person at a time". He said that yes and that he likes to concentrate on one person and that he has bee's in his beeline but he doesn't care! So that did it for me. I said that I am exactly the same about concentrating on the one. He's really open and honest, wears his heart on his sleeve, and says he's happy and I make him happy.

So all good!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 21/07/2021 18:28

Oh, I forgot that I said I'm not in to multiple dating as well, the very first thing he said was "do you think that I'm multiple dating?" so I thought about it, and deep down I didn't think he was so I said "no".

I always know what to advise other people in similar situations, but whenever it comes to my own questions, I always have ask others because when you get in to new relationships it can be quite tricky can't it?!

I hate all the second quessing and questioning when you meet someone new!

We're both on the same page regarding communicating when something makes you happy or uncertain. He really is a lovely guy.

OP posts:
Roblox01 · 21/07/2021 18:37

I personally prefer dating one at a time but with online dating in particular you do kind of conclude you're unlikely to be the only one in many cases. By the point of sleeping together though I think surely at that point most want to be exclusive (not that it matters but I say that as a bloke).

I've often wondered how those with Fwb make the transition.

Glad it's worked out for you OP

TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 18:37

that he has bee's in his beeline but he doesn't care

What does that mean?

Original poster
nolovelost · 21/07/2021 19:01

@TheFoundations we met on Bumble. There will be people waiting in his beeline, like I've got 50 matches waiting but I don't want to look at them, I didn't tell him this but maybe I should have done!!

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 21/07/2021 19:02

@Roblox01 thank you!

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TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 19:10

Hm. Just sounded like he's making sure you know others are after him. Not sure why he'd point this out. Would you feel it appropriate to tell a man who's asking you to be exclusive that other men are also making themselves available to you?

Original poster
nolovelost · 21/07/2021 19:14

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I think it was just a quick remark without thinking.

OP posts:
StartingAgain33 · 21/07/2021 19:16

@cookiecreampie

If I knew someone was into me and we were having sex, I'd assume he wasn't seeing anyone else, unless I had reason to believe he was. Some people do sleep about when dating but I think the majority aren't doing that if they like someone and want it to progress to a relationship. If he was seeing other people while sleeping with you, I'd assume he wasn't serious. I think all you can do is have the conversation.
Agree with this. Tend to assume but then confirm a couple of months in if they haven't
RosieGuacamosie · 21/07/2021 19:23

We're both on the same page regarding communicating when something makes you happy or uncertain. He really is a lovely guy.

I don’t want to put a dampener on things, but after meeting him four times you really really don’t know if he’s a lovely guy or not. Please just be cautious.

Marineboy67 · 21/07/2021 20:19

I had 4 dates and asked her if she'd like to be my girlfriend. It was on my birthday and she said yes.
I think certainly after the 2/3 date.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/07/2021 20:20

Sounds good OP

Smile
Original poster
nolovelost · 21/07/2021 22:26

@Marineboy67 how lovely, was this recent? What a gentleman Smile

OP posts: