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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner Always Looking Elsewhere

29 replies

love15 · 20/07/2021 16:51

I have another post going...

Partner has always looked elsewhere - messaging girls online/Facebook/general social media...

Been together 9.5 years.

I believe drink/drugs to be the problem.

I have to walk away right or can this be fixed?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 20/07/2021 16:53

Yes walk away. Do you live together, I wouldn't tolerate a man taking drugs in my home. Can you afford to live alone.

Egghead68 · 20/07/2021 16:53

LTB

litterbird · 20/07/2021 17:33

Can never be fixed.....keep reading this over and over again until it sinks in. Leave and never look back.

nimbuscloud · 20/07/2021 17:34

You have one life, nearly 10 years gone with this man.
Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?

nimbuscloud · 20/07/2021 17:36

Hopefully you don’t have children with him.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2021 17:39

He’s the problem
Run, don’t walk, away

Badhabits1 · 20/07/2021 17:41

How can it be fixed? You say he’s done it for almost ten years.

Original poster
love15 · 20/07/2021 17:45

We have 6 year old DD - it's his house so I've been at my mums. I do work and could rent hopefully buy somewhere.

I'm 33 - just feel like I'm running out of time to start again and have more children.

I think I'm trauma bonded too him. I want to stay away but it hurts x

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 20/07/2021 18:07

Do you want your 6 year old growing up living with an alcoholic drug addict?

spotcheck · 20/07/2021 18:13

33 is still very young. Honestly- you deserve much much more. I know this because EVERYONE deserves to be with someone who loves and respects them enough to be loyal.

And before you justify his behaviour by saying he has never physically cheated- ' keeping an eye out' is massively disloyal. It doesn't matter if he hasn't physically inserted his penis anywhere- he is still being disloyal.

MsDogLady · 20/07/2021 18:47

You recently discovered that he sent an explicit photo to his mother’s boss. You made the absolutely correct decision to walk away.

Love15, this cheat who abuses alcohol and drugs is not going to change. If you return to him, you will be sabotaging your and your daughter’s lives. You both deserve better than this toxic home.

Please consider seeking individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries.

Iamthewombat · 20/07/2021 18:49

You are only 33. Start again with someone better!

movpov · 20/07/2021 18:54

It can't be fixed because he doesn't want to fix it - sorry. Leave and instantly improve your life.

category12 · 20/07/2021 19:00

As I've said to you before - unless he's totally committed to getting clean and sober himself, it really doesn't matter if he'd be the perfect man if it wasn't for the drink/drugs & cheating. You need to be really self-motivated to break any addiction. He's not.

And you really don't know that if he was clean & sober he'd give up chasing other women.

You could waste your chance of a happy family life waiting for this guy to sort himself out only to find he's just as cheating a cheater as he ever was even when clean. You've already spent years on him.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 19:05

It isnt a drinks/drugs issue. It's a being a dickhead issue.

He has no respect or empathy for you. And empathy is not something that can be talked into anyone.

And a drunken drug taker into the bargain? Pft, no brainer, get rid.

Imjustsootired · 20/07/2021 21:40

Fixed? God no. He is betraying you... why the hell would you want to try and fix a man who thinks with his cock and is a drug addict too?? Life is for living...this sounds awful. I'd leave.

Pentiumgold · 20/07/2021 21:46

Yes but if you love him I can understand why you'd wait. Please pm me op as I was your man x

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2021 21:50

DO BETTER FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.

This should be your only concern, what's best for your child, and staying with that fuckwit shitbag of a man isn't it. Sorry, but that "trauma bond" excuse nonsense isn't going to cut it, and you wanting another child is irrelevant. Take care of the child who actually exists.

Original poster
love15 · 21/07/2021 08:57

I guess what I'm asking is... can you fix someone before you walk away from them for good? Or do you have to walk away and accept defeat?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 21/07/2021 09:00

You can’t fix someone. Period.

category12 · 21/07/2021 09:45

@love15

I guess what I'm asking is... can you fix someone before you walk away from them for good? Or do you have to walk away and accept defeat?
No.

Only he can "fix" himself. And he'd have to really really want to and commit to it fully.

You can't do it for him. What are you going to do, wave a magic wand, love him so much he transforms from frog to Prince? Gonna train as an addiction counsellor (and then fire yourself for unprofessional behaviour)? Gonna watch him 24/7 365 and make sure he physically can't use or get up to stuff?

Read up about co-dependence and about addiction.

Fix yourself. Deal with your anxiety. Deal with your co-dependence. Figure out living life without freaking out about being temporarily single .

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2021 09:46

Haven’t you been trying to fix him for a decade?

updownroundandround · 21/07/2021 10:13

@love15

You've been with him 9.5 years ffs. Haven't you wasted enough time on the selfish prick ??

You said it yourself, Partner has always looked elsewhere - messaging girls online/Facebook/general social media....

It doesn't matter whether you 'think' drink/drugs are to blame (he still chooses to drink/do drugs AND look elsewhere for women Hmm). The fact is, He's an unfit Father and an unfit partner, and he won't* 'change' ffs !

To answer your question, No, you cannot 'fix' him Hmm

You need to shift your priorities pronto.

Your DD NEEDS you to protect her !

Selfishly staying with an alcoholic drug addict is abusing your own DD ffs !

Stop behaving so badly, and step up as a parent, because she needs you ! (while he is a selfish bastard, who only cares about himself, but he is an adult, and as such, can behave how he pleases)

Hanger0n · 21/07/2021 10:22

*Partner has always looked elsewhere - messaging girls online/Facebook/general social media...

Been together 9.5 years.*

Here's the question you should b e asking. Have you been able to fix it the last ten years??

Original poster
love15 · 21/07/2021 10:23

I just want to make it clear that I would NEVER had my daughter around drugs, and never have. I have never taken them or ever will... he knows how against it I am and if ever in the past I have had suspicions we have left, because I will NOT have my dd in an environment like that.

I think I'm right that when we leave and stay at my mums for the night, he sees a green light to take them and drink... enough that he then turns into this person who craves women's attention or I guess see's how far he can get.

All I've ever done is protect my dd. She is oblivious to him drinking etc... but I appreciate that she doesn't have to see it or be around it to be effected.

She is my world and I have have fought like you wouldn't believe to protect her.

He isn't all bad. He adores her... we're a good unit. But this side where he acts like this when I turn my back is one I am struggling to know how to deal with.

I didn't ask for any of this x

OP posts: